to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

[boombowpow]

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

I don't know why everyone is referring to his ex wife...no divorce, shes his wife.
OP, you haven't met his kids, his family, half of his friends, and you've been seeing him for a couple of months. Why are you so obsessed with the status of his divorce? You barely know the man. Its all a bit bunny boiler.

That's a bit harsh grocklebox.

I agree, and have said, it's a pretty weird set-up they've got here but I think op is being shoehorned into the demanding, obsessive new gf role by him and his nonsensical excususes.

She wants a normal relationship and he tells her 'sorry, I'd love that too, honest, but that damned wife of mine just won't play ball, my hands are tied'

It's nonsense, but she wants to believe him so of course her focus is going to be on his wife and the divorce, because that's why they're on hold.

Even if they were divorced tomorrow the smart money would be on him finding another excuse not to be open.

If he wanted to have a full on relationship, he would. There is no reason at all not to. Just flimsy excuses.

My guess is that he likes op, is happy being with her but not in any official, full-on capacity. But he's a bit of a sap and/or manipulative so would rather tell op what she wants to hear - that of course he wants to be with her properly but his hands are tied.

OP- How can you say he isn't lying to anybody? He is keeping you a secret from his WIFE and all the mutual friends? And this is being honest?

He's not being fair to you or his wife. He's looking after number one. Maybe he is being honest with you, but the secrecy does not sit well with me and as a pp said, your bf is basically leading a double life. Your life is on hold till he decides otherwise.

As I suggested before, tell him you're fed up of waiting and want to go public. See how he reacts to that.

Sorry but your situation is bringing back horrible memories for me. I wish I'd taken more decisive action sooner.

oh and re putting the friends in an 'unfair position' that is only an 'unfair position' if he then expects them to keep you secret from her. Which suggests he thinks he doesn't have a right to a relationship yet. If his marriage is really over and it's just the paperwork that needs sorting, there's no reason for his exW to be kept in the dark about you. Granted, waiting until your relationship has proven to have 'long term status' before introducing you to the DCs, but why would he need to keep the fact he has a girlfriend from his STBXW?

to put it bluntly - if it's really over, if it was really her decision to end it, she can hardly expect him to never have sex again once she's decided to end their relationship, if she really doesn't want him, she can hardly expect him to just stay single.

There's no reason for the Dcs to be told yet, but then there's no reason for your relationship to be kept a secret. I'd be dealing with that first. All the reasons I can think of to keep you as his dirty little secret from the other adults in his life are really not good.

Alternatively, I'd end the relationship and tell him to get in touch once he's really ready to have a relationship.

He wants her to pay expensive court fees for an outcome he wants but isn't a priority for her? Good luck with that.

Well, you can sit around being frustrated about it, or you can just accept that he's going to stay formally married a bit longer, at least till the 2 years are up and perhaps when the 5 years are up. If that's a given, what way do you plan to manage your relationship in the interim?

Got to laugh at me being called a bunny boiler, how ridiculous!

Everything that I know, all the correspondence I've seen, is because he's offered to show me. I've never asked to see any of it. He is the one planning our future, wanting to discuss moving in together, etc. None of that has come from me.

Yet I'm the bunny boiler. Allegedly.

I've seen correspondence from his family expressing how pleased they are that he has found happiness, but saying that until his marriage is ended (by divorce) they would feel uncomfortable with meeting me, or words to that effect. The impression I got was that once he is a single man in the eyes of the law/faith etc, they will be more accepting. Again, I suspect that like me they thought the divorce would take a few months rather than (possibly) years.

It's hardly a flimsy excuse not to want to annoy his wife, I can understand him not wanting to risk matters being delayed further by her finding out about me (although of course it is possible that she could see us out in the town centre at some point together, but I guess we'll have to deal with that when and if it happens).

So, are you okay to remain a secret for another 2 - 5 years?

So why are you so involved in the divorce of a guy you've been seeing for just a few months then?

Why shouldn't I be involved?! I'm not 'seeing' him, that implies something fairly casual. We're in a serious, committed, relationship which he intends will in the future involve us living together and ultimately marrying (which is also what I want, however I think it's premature to discuss that until his divorce is, if not complete, then at least further forward).

you said he is seperated less than a year, and it was 6 months after that you got together. That means you are what, 4-5 months seeing each other?
The wife doesn't know about you, which I'm guessing means his kids don't knowabout you, you haven't met his family or many of his friends.....

honey tell yourself its serious and longterm all you like, the fact is its a new relationship and you are at arms length, for all you are talking about marriage. He's still married to someone else, and you're not important enough to him to even mention to his children, let alone meet them.

You've never answered the question of how long you've been together. 4-5 months is far too soon for all this!

We have been in a relationship for just under 5 months.

Most people would suggest you wait at least 6 months (some say longer) before introducing children. Our plan was to do so at around that time because we expected the divorce petition to at least be with the courts by then if not completely finalised.

He hadn't appreciated it could take as long as 5 years to secure a divorce, he thought the worst case was 2 (as tbf did I).

It is a difficult situation. I can't move in with a man who is still married, but I don't want to live in the current limbo for another year or more either, and of course I don't want to end things with him.

You shouldn't be involved because it's not your marriage. Look at it from his wife's point of view, why would you be involved?

I'm not sure I can win here.

On the one hand I'm being told I'm an idiot because I don't understand what's going on, that he is running rings round me, is probably still living/sleeping with his Ex, and so on, and that I need to get to the bottom of it all, see all the paperwork etc;

On the other hand, now I'm too involved apparently.

There is a lot of we going on there, but as we can see from this thread he really doesn't involve you in it all.
I've had things in my fridge longer than you've been together. Maybe you need to cool it a bit, he's still married, has children, and its all very new. You sound over eager at best, its not a good sign for a lasting relationship if that is what you are looking for.

Perhaps she's smelt a rat, eh ?

The reason you can't win is because you have put yourself in an impossible situation where you have no power. I really would urge you to step back until he has finalised his divorce. Maybe it would help him focus on sorting the divorce. You are pinning your hopes on something that ma be years away and which you cannot influence.

Your life is worth more than waiting for other people to do what you expect of them.

when we first got together we both said we'd wait til after his divorce was through

We have been in a relationship for just under 5 months.

How did you fit all that in and have time to get fed up with her still not signing ?

Have you known him for some while ?

With respect, I am the one holding back from discussions of living together and weddings, so I think suggesting I am over-eager is unfair.

What precisely isn't a good sign for a long-lasting relationship? All our friends consider we are perfect for each other.

I don't think there's anything more he can do re the divorce right now than he has already, aside from wait another 13 months and go for a no fault divorce.

Sorry, I don't understand the question of how did we fit all what in?

Actually op, I think you need to step away. A lot of people who have just come out of a long term relationship, esp if they weren't the one to instigate the split, attempt to recreate the "settled" feeling very quickly with a new partner. Think about it, the "living together married" type of relationship may be the only one they've experienced for over a decade,the more relaxed dating for a while type isn't what's familiar.

There's the old saying it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to completely get over it. Now, I don't think that's strictly true, but it would take most people more than 6months to get over their marriage ending, him pushing you towards moving your relationship being very similar (living together, marriage, settled domesticity) very quickly might not be a good thing. He must be processing the loss of his old lifestyle and relationship at the same time trying to build something very similar with you.

My advice would be to back off.

You're over-eager, he is just even more over-eager. He's on the rebound.

What precisely isn't a good sign.....? Are you kidding? Its like 7 minutes since he was involved with someone else. Why is he in such a mad rush to lock it in with you?
And how on earth can you think you are perfect for each other when you haven't even met either his children or family? At best you are incredibly naive.

He's been separated for almost a year from a relationship that was in difficulties for a number of years previously. He has found it difficult, but had a lot of counselling/therapy in the years leading up to the split and since, which has helped him to deal with the emotions arising from the breakdown of the relationship which, whilst not unexpected, was obviously still distressing.

He's not in a mad rush, he loves me and wants to be with me. Whats wrong with that? I'd far rather have a man like him in my life that than some idiot of a man who's off dating and fucking everything, like the men some of my friends seem to end up with, men who think that they're entitled to keep up this we're not exclusive nonsense ad infinitum, and then turn it round on the woman and make out she's in the wrong for wanting more. I'm thankful to have met a man who respects me, and sees us as having a long term future.

Until he tells his WIFE about you, then you have no guarantee she doesn't think he's just working away for the time being, or that they are taking a break which will be resolved with a few trips to relate. She may consider fleetingly that he's having a mid-life crisis but that he'll come to his senses soon enough.

OP have you considered what you intend to do if she pulls a Princess Di, and chooses to wait 5 years so that the kids know the family break up is not her fault. She may not want to divorce for religious reasons - more people feel this way than is commonly acknowledged.

If his family is citing religious reasons for not wanting to meet you, will your relationship ever be truly recognised? Some Catholics I know would always regard the 2nd secular wife as the other woman, and invitations would always be address accordingly.

You are wondering why the wife won't sign the papers. I think you are asking the wrong questions entirely. Why should she? What's in it for her at this particular point in time?

She's not feeling any sense of urgency to declare a new relationship or to read boring paperwork, or incur any expense. If the split is genuine and recent she's probably too busy enjoying her new found freedom and raising her kids to give it a second's thought. This isn't HER problem, or even HIS (as you are staying with him regardless) it's YOURS and yours alone. It's therefore your problem to resolve or come to terms with.

It took me far too long to work out that sometimes people tell you who they are very early on in a relationship, but the oxytocin rush prevents you from listening properly until it's too late. Sadly I think you may be suffering from the same malaise.

I'd advise your DP to tell his wife about you.

It may spur her on, or it may not (for any number of reasons)- but finding out he's been hiding your relationship from her is far quite likely to lead to lack of trust and cooperation from her in the future. It's sneaky- especially if he waits until he's got her to do what he wants and then tells her. I'd be pissed off, and not inclined to be more helpful than the minimum required in future.

Your dp needs to be honest with his wife about important things which have an impact on her and her children's lives- such as a new partner he wants to introduce to their children soon. Allowing strangers (to you) into your DCs lives is a big thing- seeing your ex-p move on and introducing a new partners/step family is hard- including for people who don't want to their ex-partners back. It involves a great deal of trust. If your DP manipulates her into doing what he wants (as it seems she either doesn't see the urgency or doesn't want to sign for whatever reason), then reveals your 5/6 month relationship with you and your plans to intriduce the children to you- when you have gone out of your way to ensure she doesn't know about your relationhip- it is hardly likely to engender trust and harmonious relations.

She may not be wanting to spend money, preferring to wait until the time they can get a (cheaper) uncontested divorce, or genuinely has been too busy/has better things to spend the money on at present, rather than ulterior motives towards your dp.