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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

143 replies

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:07

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

OP posts:
fubbsy · 24/05/2014 19:27

It's the secrecy that seems strange to me. Assuming his marriage is truly over, you are not doing anything wrong. If you are ok about being in the relationship, why do you feel uncomfortable about other people knowing about it? If you are not doing anything wrong, why keep it a secret?

The only answer I can think of is that on some level you believe that you ARE doing something wrong.

wheresthebeach · 24/05/2014 19:31

My now DH's ex did this. She found everything so stressful that she just put stuff away and ignored it. Caught up with not wanting a divorce even though she was living with her boyfriend at the time...It was very odd. She kept saying there was no point in getting divorced as she was never going to remarry.

After 2 years my DH started proceedings on grounds of living apart and had to push and push.

Sometimes peoples emotions are very mixed up. End of a dream and all that.

Suggest you a) ask to see papers and understand the process/who is divorcing who etc and b) go public with your relationship.

If he refuses to go public then I'd be worried. Sometimes everyone uses the paperwork as an excuse not to move on, rather than deal with their conflicting emotions.

In this day and age hiding a relationship (even partially) if he's separated is a bit odd.

PotsofGold · 24/05/2014 19:42

Everyone who knows his wife, doesn't know about you, OP.

I don't believe for a second that his family know about you. I bet he just told you that they didn't want to meet you yet.

Run like the wind OP, you are being taken for a fool.

expatinscotland · 24/05/2014 19:52

Sounds like a string along.

onedev · 24/05/2014 20:05

I'm with Kelly on this, sorry Op. The secrecy just doesn't make sense if everything he's saying is true - certainly if she instigated it all, why would his family not want to meet you!!

WeAllHaveWings · 24/05/2014 20:20

Sounds like he's using the alleged divorce hold up and required secrecy to avoid introducing you to all his friends and family, maybe to slow things down.

Considering you've only be seeing each other for a short period of time (left wife less than a year ago, we didn't met until more than 6 months after this), I can understand why he might not be ready to introduce you yet (maybe he's wanting to be sure you're not just the rebound from his failed marriage, maybe you are).

I would be ok with him wanting to slow things down, he's just out of a marriage, what would worry me and i would not tolerate is he doesn't seem to be honest/open about this. Think he's playing you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2014 20:29

I started divorce proceedings 3 years ago the court bailiff served my estranged husband with the petition,he has ignored everything served on him and I am still not divorced.

Weirdly he phones every 6 months screams insults down the phone accuses me of holding everything up and still does not return the paperwork.

I don't mind every time he rings my phone he gets fined £650. So it just amuses me

Original poster
boombowpow · 25/05/2014 01:03

Everyone who knows his wife, doesn't know about you, OP

Not true at all. I appreciate that doesn't fit the convenient he's a duplicitous liar template that some posters seem keen on, but it's the truth. His family know (but are fairly religious) hence preferring not to meet me at this stage. But they know all about me, and have since day 1. I have seen correspondence from them so am in no doubt over this. They also live in a different (EU) country, so are a fair distance away.

His closest friends know about me too, it's only the friends he had jointly with his ExW who don't. Mainly because we would not want to put them in the awkward position of not telling his ExW.

Not sure he wants to slow things down. We have already spoken about living together in future (he instigated the discussion) however I said that
I didn't feel we could talk about/plan for that until he was divorced.

OP posts:
ravenAK · 25/05/2014 01:31

It's quite a stretchy 'almost a year', this.

She boots him out, a few months later he initiates divorce proceedings, then he meets you, 'more than 6 months' after the initial separation, & now you're cross that the divorce isn't proceeding quickly enough?

If your OP is accurate, you can't have been dating for more than 4-5 months at most, so it's a tad precipitate to be worrying about his divorce - if he's separated, it'll all go through in due course, what's the rush?

But then you say that 'of course' his wife doesn't know he's seeing you. why wouldn't she? In fact, why wouldn't him having a new gf be an entirely sensible reason for him to ask her to get a shift on with the 'paperwork', if it's all so mutual & amicable?

You've only got his word for it that the separation was his wife's idea, haven't you?

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't add up. I suspect you are being played. Sorry.

Original poster
boombowpow · 25/05/2014 08:14

I'm not cross, just feel in limbo, as does he. I'd feel far more comfortable, as I've said previously, once he is no longer married, that's just a personal thing (although I know he has a similar view). I had expected that by now things would be more underway than they are. It's not going to make me end the relationship, but I will need to adjust my expectations.

He is thinking about our long term future (living together etc) but I don't feel able to discuss that yet. Not because it is too soon, but more because I don't want to live with a man who is still married to someone else.

OP posts:
musicalendorphins2 · 25/05/2014 08:44

Did you know that he wasn't divorced when you started dating him? Why are anxious about it now? You could declare to him that you won't be kept a secret or else you are free to date other men, effective immediately. He may not be ready for another commitment at this point.

musicalendorphins2 · 25/05/2014 08:49

He probably does care about you, I was with my now dh for a couple of years before I filed for divorce.

Original poster
boombowpow · 25/05/2014 08:56

Yes I knew he wasn't divorced - but I expected that by now he would be a lot closer to being divorced than he actually is.

I have no interest in dating other men, so I wouldn't say anything like that to him. He is very definitely ready for another commitment, I am the one holding back until he is divorced.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 25/05/2014 08:58

I can quite understand your feeling impatient and frustrated at the delay. But to be honest you may need to reassess your choices.

The 'we want to keep it all unofficial until he is divorced' thing is a bit nebulous - I'm not sure I understand it.
You haven't met his family and you haven't met his friends who know his wife - is that it really?
Because that doesn't, on the face of it, sound like much of a hardship. Although, if his wife knows about you and is just slow processing an inevitable divorce, why would friends who know her be in an awkward position if they meet you?
Any why are his family not prepared to meet you - I'm still a bit sketchy on that?

But if it's going to be months/years before you are 'official', is it really worth your waiting. Isn't happiness more important than some odd scruple about his family and random friends?

ravenAK · 25/05/2014 14:04

But why doesn't he tell his wife about you? If she chose to end the relationship, then surely she'd be quite understanding that he's met someone else?

If she doesn't know of your existence, then unless & until she meets someone herself & wants to hurry things along, she's got absolutely no reason to push for a divorce when the process will be less hassle for everyone in a year's time.

pinkyredrose · 25/05/2014 14:34

What the hell is the big deal about him being divorced? If he's separated then he's separated.

And why kn earth does he not want his ex to know about you, what does he think would happen?

TheNumberfaker · 25/05/2014 16:09

You need to come out into the open!

4littleones · 26/05/2014 09:44

I think it's quite unfair on his ExW not to let her know he has moved on. Put her out of her misery and let her get on with her life. I know I certainly felt more like moving on when my ex got a new GF.

I think he is lying about the divorce because like we keep saying - he can't do it without grounds for 2 year so it doesn't add up.

I also wouldn't hold back on my relationship because of the divorced. I find it odd. I don't like that I am still married to my Ex and nor does my current partner. But it hasn't stopped our relationship in any way. We would like to get the divorce sorted and are trying to get it done but it's not easy and certainly not quick.

Original poster
boombowpow · 27/05/2014 22:01

I've seen the paperwork today. It is drafted for her to seek the divorce based on his unreasonable behaviour (which I said above I thought it might be). However, it seems she isn't that bothered about another relationship/finalising matters so I think it may be a while before she takes any action.

I have spoken to him about telling her about us, he is considering it.

OP posts:
4littleones · 27/05/2014 22:40

If he doesn't tell her about you then he is stringing her along and keeping his options open.

Original poster
boombowpow · 28/05/2014 06:57

As he's the one pushing for the divorce I don't think he's keeping his options open.

At the moment they have agreed everything financial and childwise, he doesn't want to risk that by telling her that he's met someone else. I suppose knowing could make her more willing to get a divorce, but he thinks it will have the opposite effect, hence his reluctance.

OP posts:
LayMeDown · 28/05/2014 07:14

Most likely she's just noy that arsed. Have tbh if it was me, I wouldn't be bothered incurring the time and legal fees to get a divorce that made no real difference to my situation. You and DP don't want to go public until its finalised that's really your issue. Not the exes problem.

kinkytoes · 28/05/2014 08:23

I've been where you are OP. I staked out the family home one evening and found out what I needed to know.

You could be in for months if not years of this if you don't put your foot down. Some men are very good at lying/getting friends to lie/forging documents, and it's hard when you so want to believe them.

Original poster
boombowpow · 28/05/2014 09:29

What do you suggest I put my foot down about?

He's not a liar, at all. there's no need for me to stake out his house because I know where he is, I see all messages between him and his Ex, and have no cause for concern there is anything between them, not all men are duplicitous!

OP posts:
ItAlwaysPours · 28/05/2014 10:48

Could it be that she can't afford it but too embarrassed to say? If she submits the signed papers to the court, she would have to pay the court fees of £340. Another thing that may be putting her off. She may just not be ready. Even when you end it, you still need time to come to terms with everything.