to think that MN is not a good place to get relationship advice?

[InForAFlaming]

I've name changed for this as I am so obviously going to get flamed.
I've had a couple of threads on the relationship boards, as well as reading quite a lot. I've been really concerned and appalled about how quick people are to denounce someones relationship as doomed and suggest they leave, especially as there are children involved. I realize many of the people giving advice have been in very difficult or abusive situations, and I don't want to undermine the importance of these experiences, but there does seem to be a very quick assumption that everyone's husband is like this, therefore LTB.
When people post, you can only get a very vague sense of what's going on (I'm excluding the obviously awful ones where someone is being hurt or taken advantage of blatantly), and you only hear one side of the story. So how can people be so adamant in their advice?
In reality:
Good people (men and women) do bad things sometimes.
In the lifetime of a marriage/relationship most people (men and women) will at some point say something hurtful, behave unreasonably for a period of time, other things which are not nice.
And I get the impression that on MN all men are supposed to be angels all of the time, as well as being patient and understanding when women are less than angelic due to pregnancy, motherhood, work related stress etc.
Am I on my own here?

YANBU.
There are some brilliant posters in relationships who give excellent advice and are very good at being honest without being overbearing.

However I would not post about my relationship in a million years. I have seen some utterly ridiculous posts. People make statements of fact based on a one or two paragraphs about a poster they have never met.

The phrase 'red flag' is completely overused to the extent that when I see it I can't take it seriously. It should be reserved for when someone really NEEDS to take is seriously.
I get the impression that most of the people using it had never heard of it before they saw it on MN.

As should 'you need to call the police now'
'this is abuse'
'you need to get out now'

Threads can become hostile if the OP is not able to/doesn't want to do as they are advised by 15 strangers within 10 minutes of the first post.

I think it is a shame that the excellent and sensitive posts can sometimes be drowned out by the clamouring of others.

Point of detail, the 'dumping during the GCSEs' thread was an AIBU, not one in Relationships.

Its never really occurred to me to be the sort of dependent woman that seems to be favoured on mumsnet. I wonder what life would have been like for me if, instead of going out and paying my way through uni then getting a career, if I had instead targeted my attentions on getting a reasonably well off man. I've ended up with a reasonably well off man who would be perfectly willing to run around after me if I let him, but accidentally. I still like some level of independence. I too am excusing the genuine cases of abuse (not just those where the OP doesn't get bought flowers from a flower shop every week or given a limitless budget). I must say, I know a couple of women like this in real life (no kids) and I'm always struck by thinking they are on shaky ground. How can I say this - if a woman lives off a man, wouldn't she have to provide something of very high value in terms of looks and physical appearance in return?

I remember the thread where the man worked full time and the woman stayed at home and gave him £20 "pocket money" a week for spending on his bus fare, lunch, etc..

I'm also shocked at the number of women who give up their friends or attempts to socialise on getting married or having children, and who have no hobbies or interests outside the home.

have noticed the super eager 'I think there's an OW involved' no matter what the poster's DH has done

I used to think that. And then, over the years, I noticed how many of them did turn out to have an OW involved. I don't think there always is, but I now think it's generally something that ought to be considered , at the very least.

I don't actually go into relationships all that much, but I must say, I am amazed at the number of times 'affair' is called, and it's turned out to be right.

If something undefinable changes in a relationship, and the OP picks up on it, there's usually a reason behind it. Not an affair necessarily, but something that leads her to post on a forum, asking for advice.

The script that people who have affairs follows is so eerily similar, that it does seem relatively easy to accurately call it.

Another thing I've witnessed all too often, is an OP asking for advice on a situation, that might be a major or fairly minor problem...but either way they want advice.

Immediately some posters will unleash what appears to be pent up venom and without giving any advice at all, will post things like...

He's a cunt
He's a wanker
He's a bastard
He's a manchild

I've seen some posters get really upset at the abuse dished out about their DPs, in the first few posts (again without advice).

Even if it's sometimes deserved, it just makes the OP really defensive and sometimes they leave the thread.

A couple of times where I've mentioned stuff my DH has done (not on relationships threads, usually chat), ice had some really harsh comments about him (selfish, childish etc), which gave been frankly uncalled for - we all do stupid things like leaving dirty washing on the floor, forgetting to pick up more milk, but these things can get magnified by random folk on the internet into LTB proportions.

I know that we only ever hear one side of the story on MN, but it would be nice sometimes if pp tried to think about the situation from the other side, or apply some perspective

When a poster replies to a thread citing their own very similar experience, this not projection, it's offering information for the OP to consider. This often involves a very generous sharing of very personal experience. When someone posts about cancer, their dog or what colour to paint the hall, and posters pile in to speak of their own experience, no-one calls that projection, do they? So how is Relationships different?

MNers are not counsellors, as it says at the top of the page, and are not bound by the rules that say keep your own experience out of it.

In the end, if you post on a public forum, you do so with an element of risk. Having said that, I feel that the Relationships' analysis of events is sadly spot-on. Very often people post when in a very difficult position, in extremity, or have started a relationship wher red flags are showing.
In many cases LTB is the sensible thing to do. The fact that it may be hard to do so is not the point.

I agree that the downside, if I can call it that, is it is very hard to come on and whinge about your relationship. If you're annoyed about them leaving a mess, spending some money, going on a night out - it's unlikely you're going to get a reasonable response.

YABU. I've posted a few times over the years about various relationship problems I've had and I've never once been told to LTB. I've been given advice, and had my eyes opened though. The things that some women go through and put up with when they think it's the norm is quite unbelievable. I think MN is a fountain of knowledge when it comes to most things, relationships being one those subjects it's usually spot on with. I think what tends to happen is that when people disagree with the LTB posts is that they've identified something in that post that makes them uncomfortable about their own lives but they don't want to admit it. So instead go on the offensive and say MN is full of men haters who want to destroy relationships etc.

I have to say, I definitely think there is something about the LTB ethos that some people find very threatening.

I don't think you can generalise as there is a lot of genuinely helpful advice.

However, I agree that on some threads the first reply is ltb with hardly any justifying info in the op, and then everyone else jumps on the ltb bandwagon. Saw one today as it happens.

I have to say, I definitely think there is something about the LTB ethos that some people find very threatening

This.

There do seem to be a number of women on MN who react very violently to anyone, ever, suggesting that a woman might consider leaving her male partner. Why do they care so much, I wonder? Worried that it undermines their decision to martyr themselves to a shit marriage to a blatant arsehole who thinks they're a worthless piece of shit?

A lot of those who post saying to women they should leave, are in good relationships. When you are in a good relationship, you have a clear idea of how good it can be. And it can be pretty horrifying to see what some women put up with.

And I agree that some women on here seem to feel very threatened about LTB advice. Unless the women is actually being hit, they constantly say that all relationships go through bad times, and the OP should simply work through it. Personally, I suspect they are the ones that are projecting.

Absolutely ^^ to the above two posts.

Thurlow - I don't think that is true.

I think what tends to happen is that when people disagree with the LTB posts is that they've identified something in that post that makes them uncomfortable about their own lives but they don't want to admit it

I agree with this. Quite a while ago there was a poster who was dismissing and minimising the experiences of any poster who asked for advice about sexual abuse occurring in their relationship. It turned out they were experiencing the same thing and didn't want to hear that it was wrong, but their contributions to the threads were far more dangerous than LTB will ever be.

For me LTB is also shorthand for 'something has to change' and while I'm sure in many situations people have gone on happily in their relationships, I'm willing to bet for that to happen something did change.

I object to posters saying LTB so easily because it's easy to say, and the only person living with the consequences are the op. Not the poster who is happily flipping between posts dispensing advice with merry abandonment.

It matters a fuck of a lot to a vulnerable OP, not necessarily to an unknown poster who does, or probably doesn't, give a damn about the op.

I think what a lot of people are saying is that many posters don't even bother to ask questions before banging 'LTB' on their keypads.

Also I got fed up of seeing women being called 'cool girls' or 'appeasing the menz', when they'd say they genuinely didn't mind their DPs going on weekend Stag Do's or strip clubs.

Everyone is different so it stands to reason that on a site this big, some people genuinely wont mind that sort of thing.

Yet some posters are insistant that they're just 'posting to look cool'...thus trying to close down or dismiss their contributions to the thread.

How does that sort of thing enable the OP to garner varied opinions/advice?

Would love to see all these threads where people are banging out LTB without bothering to ask any questions.

I can't believe you say you read that topic and yet you haven't seen them JapaneseMargaret.

I have to say, I definitely think there is something about the LTB ethos that some people find very threatening

Absolutely. I recently posted about my relationship and had a near-unanimous LTB, apart from one poster who kept on at me about marriage being for life. I haven't yet LTB but I might.

No. Unless you're talking about the threads where the OP says her DH polished off the last piece of chocolate cake, and everyone piles on to say LTB ironically.

The threads in relationships often run to pages, with Pandoras boxes of info emerging.

How does that sort of thing enable the OP to garner varied opinions/advice?

Because no one has the post to censor what the OP sees? So women who love their partners watching hours and hours of porn every week and going to strip clubs are free to post about how great their relationships are, in exactly the same way as women who dislike that shit are?