to think that MN is not a good place to get relationship advice?

[InForAFlaming]

I've name changed for this as I am so obviously going to get flamed.
I've had a couple of threads on the relationship boards, as well as reading quite a lot. I've been really concerned and appalled about how quick people are to denounce someones relationship as doomed and suggest they leave, especially as there are children involved. I realize many of the people giving advice have been in very difficult or abusive situations, and I don't want to undermine the importance of these experiences, but there does seem to be a very quick assumption that everyone's husband is like this, therefore LTB.
When people post, you can only get a very vague sense of what's going on (I'm excluding the obviously awful ones where someone is being hurt or taken advantage of blatantly), and you only hear one side of the story. So how can people be so adamant in their advice?
In reality:
Good people (men and women) do bad things sometimes.
In the lifetime of a marriage/relationship most people (men and women) will at some point say something hurtful, behave unreasonably for a period of time, other things which are not nice.
And I get the impression that on MN all men are supposed to be angels all of the time, as well as being patient and understanding when women are less than angelic due to pregnancy, motherhood, work related stress etc.
Am I on my own here?

[Eggynuff]

Yep... don't worry about it, it happens. Have a look in Chat, it's a good place to start

[scotsmum2015]

It popped up on my screen looking fairly new.... so I joined in. didn't look at the date. zombie thread is dead thread I take it? Ok. Moving swiftly on....

[Eggynuff]

Welcome scotsmum but this thread is nearly a year old so please excuse me shouting:

ZOMBIE THREAD

!!!!

[scotsmum2015]

I've only just joined so haven't read a lot of other threads. But after asking for advice myself , honestly can say all given was really constructive and I felt better and supported in a way. I think a lot of people come here because they have no one to bounce off of, friends and family are too close or perhaps tired of listening about a particular issue. If I get slated by someone on my issue then I will look at their motivation.... are they just bitter? Or do they really feel it's something I need to hear? You do get people who like to attack, I've seen it elsewhere but they are normally obvious by the what they write and it's usually peppered with insults. You just skip over advice that isn't taking your feelings as a person into account and read those that might disagree with your view but are genuine and helpful. You are your own person and need to make your own decisions at the end of the day. I hope some of the advice you have been given has helped you make decisions. X

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree john, why should op tolerate abusive relationship, just to try save her marriage.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Snoofle, you thought a woman whose husband mocks her, plays tricks on her, gets angry and screams at her if she is less than perfect and wants her to abort her baby, should "work at her relationship". That tells me everything I need to know about what your "working at" entails.

[CailinDana]

There is a world of difference between two people who genuinely love and respect each other working together to get through a tough patch and one person desperately trying to hold a rubbish relationship together all on their own.

I have posted minor issues on relationships in the past and have been told to go easy on DH and was given practical ways to sort it out. I was never told to LTB.

I know when I'm responding to posts on relationships I'm looking for a few key things:
Is there respect in the relationship?
Has the poster tried to talk to their partner about this issue in the past, and what has the reaction been?
Is there any abuse in the relationship?

It's usually easy to find out the answers to these questions and the answers say pretty much definitively whether the person should LTB or not.

Basically, some things can't be "worked on." Advising a person who is being disrespected, ignored or abused to stay on and "work on" a relationship that at best pointless and at worst actively destructive is just bad advice.

[snoofle]

calmet, what you are describing is working at the relationship.

[calmet]

I think respecting each other is key. So yes you might get grumpy with your partner if you are having a hard time, but that does not give you an excuse to treat them badly.

[calmet]

Yes couples can drift. You notice it and say something like, we need to spend more time together doing nice things.

And when one of you is having a tough time at work, then your partner should be a support to you.

I am not saying things can be perfect, but you should be in a relationship because it enhances your life.

[Animation]

"You shouldn't have to be working at the relationship as well."

Well sometimes you do - couples drift apart, get into a rut, find themselves leading separate lives, are stressed and distracted and don't treat each other well, and cope the best way they can at the time.

[calmet]

What you might have to do is if you have never learned how to communicate clearly, or resolve disagreements for example, is learn those skills. But that isn't about working at the relationship, as much as making sure you have the skills to be in a good relationship.

[calmet]

No, good relationships don't take work. You might have to agree things, like who does what around the house. You might have to say - come on you are not doing your fair share. You might have to talk through misunderstandings.

But the reality is most of us get enough stress from things outside teh relationship. For example, children, bereavement, illness, redundancy. We have to deal with those as a couple. You shouldn't have to be working at the relationship as well.

[ballsballsballs]

I wish MN had been around when I was a kid. Mum stayed with SF 'for the sake of the marriage', even after he broke her jaw. She needed people to say LTB; instead they ignored it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I've done it too Aeroflotgirl and had a 'prod'.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sorry lying, someone wanted an example and I saw this one.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Snoofle, why should she put up with abusive behaviour for the sake of the marriage! In tge past women used to put up and shut up and abuse accepted, now it's more in the open like child abuse, it's not as acceptable as it was. I think in cases of DV and emotional,abuse, LTB is the main thing, especially when children are involved and witnessing it. It can have a profound effect on tge rest of their lives. My dh is very traditional, earns the money, pays tge bills, hates housework and leaves that to me. I am a STAHm as it's financially better. We both have separate accounts and he gives me a certain amount of money each month, I am sure that lots of Mumsnetters would say LTB, but he is great husband and dad. And thus works fir us.

In the case of the op above, yes give him a bit of time, but she has to look out fir herself and her unborn baby first. Yes As the thread progresses it gets worse. Sometimes LTB is the best thing. We are not experts, but it can help op gain confidence to move forward.

[Fontella]

YABU.

The problem with some posters on the relationships board is that they go on there seeking only posts that are supportive or sympathetic. Some even attempt to direct or filter responses in advance by recounting what a total bastard their DP, and all the terrible things he's done and then ending by saying '...please don't tell me to LTB he's my life/soulmate/I love him/can't live without him' etc.

Most of the women on there have been through it. They've had the relationship breakdown and all that goes with it both emotionally and logistically.

They've heard it, seen it, lived it and tend to tell it like it is. That's not being cruel or unsupportive or unkind, on the contrary it's trying to help those who have found themselves in similar positions and yes, despite us all thinking we are entirely unique and our situation is 'different' in fact what comes over time and time again is how things follow a course, a script, a pattern. Those with first hand experience of that, recognise it immediately and say so, and that can times come across as harsh or unsympathetic.

Those responses aren't all of the LTB variety but if the OP paints a picture of her partner as a cheater/liar/abuser .. whatever - then yes, the responses are likely to be LTB. Yes there are two sides to every story, and yes people make mistakes and yes the DP may be nowhere near as bad as he is being painted, but the respondents only get one viewpoint and that is the only one they can respond to.


Ultimately, those who lay out their stall on there are seeking responses. And they are going to get them. Even the ones they don't like or agree with. It is up to the OP to read them (or not) and take from them what they will.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Aeroflot... It's Not Done to post links to other threads, or make it a thread about a thread. As it's on 'relationships' board, possibly doubly so.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

You read that op and you thought that is a relationship that needs work?

That's extraordinary snoofle.

[snoofle]

Admittedly the more I am reading of that thread, the more problems she has. Which may or may not be insurmountable.

[snoofle]

And that is a relationship that needs work. There is a husband and a baby involved.
Can they work it out? I dont know.

How can you say that the best way is out Aero?
How do you know that he isnt just plain scard witless for example[havent read the whold thread yet, just the op]

It is no wonder that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Why bother to get married in the first place?

ps. not blaming the op at all here. And if she cant sort things out, at least get counselling [assuming that he will go]

I will now read the thread in more detail.

[Aeroflotgirl]

This thread is active at tge moment, the op is obviously in an emotionally abusive relationship and really the best way is out.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2088484-pregnant-shocked-and-a-bit-lost?

[holdyourown]

YABU I'm a massive advocate of relationships board as it has helped me to a) divorce a cheating spouse who did not want to make our marriage work b) pick up the pieces for me and dcs and c) see what a decent relationship looks like so that now I'm meeting men who actually value me, are nice and treat me well.

It is absolutely invaluable imo, and you can get advice there 24 hours a day.

A lot of women think they have to stay in crappy disrespectful relationships because they will never meet another man or things like that. I don't see LTB in a normal relationship scenario, but I think normally when people are posting on relationships board things have gotten pretty bad for them anyway.