To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

But the thread didn't mention not going to weddings, birthday parties or whatever. It was about not attending work do's.

And yeah, if they don't want to go to them either so what? Up to them innit. Who cares!

Nobody has to go to anything they don't want too.

I'm drawing a parallel MrsNow. You admire people who refuse to ever go to work related events simply because they don't like them, and I'm trying to show how that can sometimes be interpreted as rude and hurtful, which is not admirable. What is the difference between refusing to go to a close work mate's good bye drinks, and refusing to go to a good friend's wedding simply because you don't want to. You can't say one is rude but the other isn't.

There's a big difference between 'not giving in to pressure' and 'not giving a damn about other people's feelings'. One is grown up and mature, the other is childish and self centred.

There seems to be an assumption by some posters that refusing to go to works social events is automatically snooty. I guess that sometimes it is but for many people works dos are just another chore.

Going for a drink after work when you dont live local to your work? Finding the pub/bar. Finding what route you are going to use to get there and home afterward. If you drive you cant drink so you are stuck with water (yippety skip!) or sugary/caffeiny soft drinks.

Not everybody wants the hassle.

Exactly, Gnome.

Oh I get it could be misinterpreted as being rude but surely if you know that a person NEVER ever attends anything to do with work whatsoever then you'd just know that it's how they are and not assume they're being rude.

And what if they did show up and turned out to be the biggest bore/letch/tosser going? You'd wish they hadn't bothered!

Surely if one person finds all or most of the people they work with boring/obnoxious/childish/annoying/insert-other-negative-adjective here it is more likely that it is that one person who is the problem not all the others. I find it easier to believe that a workplace has one unpleasant person than that all the rest of them are!

I think you're right, Manic.

I go to very few work related parties/drinks as they tend to start at 7:30 pm and I live 2 hours commute away. Going out for meals then means missing the pudding as I rush off for a train that will get me home before I return to work. (I'm old and not in great health)
I do go to lots of quick drinks after work with people in my industry (not firm) as they start earlier - and the people aren't those I've been with all day!
So cocktails/wine at 6:00 - Yes
Meal/event starting at 7:30 where you don't sit down to eat until 9:00 - No!

Even when the company pays for the do itself the travel costs can be prohibitive. I can remember a post audit do in London - nice swanky dinner but then I had to get a taxi from the restaurant to a train station as it was late and I had no real idea where I was as I traveled into London for work, I didnt live there. £10 out of pocket and I couldnt drink as I had to drive at the other end of the train journey. A total pain in the arse.

In some departments it is respected that people have lives outside of work which have to be managed. In others it seems to be assumed that anyone who doesnt turn out for works dos isnt a team player even if they are working just as hard as everyone else.

Like manic slightly puzzled by so many of you having nothing in common with your co-workers; especially the poster who flounced off, who I'm guessing was either a lawyer or an accountant. At the very least she will have had in common that many of her colleagues will have done the same degree at a probably limited number of universities. As for the non qualified staff I don't think in over 30 years at work in law offices I've come across support staff who only talk about slebs etc.

So many crossed points on this thread.

How about this scenario:

Work colleague is going off on maternity leave

Colleague: "Lets all go out for lunch at the [insert nice lunch eatery style place very close to work], it'll be nice to have a lunch together before I go off to have my pfb"

Me: "No. Just because I have to work with you, doesn't mean I have to socialise with you"

Would that make me a twat? I say yes.

Scenario 2:

Same office, different occasion

Colleague: "Lets all go out on Friday after work - pub dinner and stay out after"

Me: " Thanks for the invite, but I can't make it. Have a nice time though"

Am I a twat? I'd say no.

Does that make sense?

You can avoid work socialising without having to be an utter twat about it.

Yanbu. I feel the same about people who won't entertain the idea of making friends at the school gates. As someone who moved into my area not knowing anyone, I would have been screwed for friends if I hadn't been able to meet people through work or school.

Of the 30 or so people I work closely with, I would probably say I am 'friends' with 4 of them. The others are just acquaintances that I share a workplace with.

Of the 4 friends, 2 of them I never see outside of work. The other 2 I may socialise with them 2 or 3 times a year. BBQs or Films, but the only time I've been out in the evening with either of them were for a hen night meal and a wedding.

I don't go out on the lash without DH, and we don't have childcare very often. We only use family and since my neice has been ill we haven't been able to go out.

It doesn't bother me, because I have very little in common with them, even though I do like them. One is a very young party animal, one is a family man with a jealous wife, one is a young married with lots of spare cash and the last one is my age but has some very strong views that I don't agree with, so we'd argue lots!

I don't socialise in the evenings. I don't need to and I don't enjoy it. I'll go out for a lunchtime meal, because that means 'free' time off work and no booze. Plus DD is at school. In the evenings people drink and when DD is at home I want to be too. For that reason when young married had her housewarming BBQ I declined because she had specifically said no kids. I was honest, she knows I don't do stuff at the weekends without DD and she wasn't insulted nor did she think I was rude.

At least I'm consistent - I say no to everybody :)

all the people with 'real lives' and 'real friends' where did you meet them? I have met my 'real' friends at my jobs i.e. university and in each of my paid jobs. If you really imagine that you are too good for someone because you are a part of the 'senior management team' I think you need to stop deluding yourself that the lower orders cannot/should not be allowed to mix with you. dear me!

even the pains in the neck in my job are worth talking to in the pub (for one drink or ten!) because most people have a story/history with something interesting in it and even if they don't other people make an effort to be sociable. what's wrong with that?

It's not about being 'too good' for someone, it's about avoiding perceptions of favouritism. Or getting caught up in difficult situations where because you are the boss you may have to take action, or you find that you view of someone you manage is fundamentally changed for reasons that have nothing to do with work. I have experienced all of these issues and sometimes it really is much better to avoid the situation completely. Although in general formal events (Christmas parties, retirement drinks etc) are OK, it's the ad-hoc ones where some people let their hair down that are the potential hotspots IMO. Relationships with work colleagues are not the same as friends, regardless of whether they are nice people or not.

I totally agree with Manic. People who cannot stand anyone they work with and think they're all at fault should take a long hard look in the mirror. I have never ever worked anywhere where every single person or even 80% of them, are people that I couldn't bear to have lunch or a drink with.

Oh and I agree wtih Scarlett as well. There's a big difference between people who are selective about what they go to because of childcare/commuting/cost and people who just refuse to go to anything that could be termed as a work do on some silly pretentious stance they've adopted.

I think these people the op is referring too are very few and far between. You never know, they could've had a bad experience on a night out in their previous place of work that's just put them right off attending anything else to do with work ever again.

I couldn't be arsed keeping track of who has gone to what.

They're not that far and few between. I've met a few. I also remember years ago a promotion opportunity came up at work and a few of us were going for it. I asked a girl who was the same level as me, so eligible for it, if she was applying. Her reply was 'God no. I have a life'.
Ten years later guess who's still sitting in the same dull dingy room doing the same dull dingy job?
The rest of us have moved on to jobs with more flexible arrangements or promotions where the extra salary has ennabled changing to a four day week etc.
No problem with people not going for promotion, BTW, but why would you give a snotty response like that?
The same with people who make a big deal out of the fact that they 'never socialise with people from work'. No idea what point they think they're proving.

No one's 'keeping track'. But if someone goes around making a superior point of not going to any work related social event people are bound to notice - not in an 'ooh she must have such an interesting and busy life because she never has time to go to anything' way but in a 'Be like that, then' way.

How awful to dismiss all your co-workers as people you wouldn't want to see outside work. I can only imagine they must have very strict parameters of what is and is not required for a friendship, however casual. Perhaps one that can only be fulfilled by friends from school or a spouse.

I see work as a means of meeting a variety of people, and I'd far rather socialise with a variety of people than a tiny cohort of people I've known for years and who don't challenge me or come up with anything new. I've also always made a point of not turning into one of those women who never does anything without her DH. Its such an easy trap to fall into.

Can't say I've ever come across anyone who has behaved like that to be honest. If these folk exist I have not come into contact with them.

It's their choice and feck all to do with me.

Well if I see someone being hurt at work because a colleague who really should have made the effort didn't bother to, or have someone snootily telling me they have a life, then I will comment MrsNow.

Well that's up to you!

I've found it to be a case of such and such is leaving/getting married/divorced/whatev's. Drinks at x time in x place. Don't miss it!

Do peeps go round each and every person they work with asking them if they want to go out?

Not sure what your point is MrsNow. Naturally people will chat and say "are you going to such and such's leaving drinks" or whatever. And naturally they will comment if someone goes 'God no, why would I want to waste an evening with people from work". And naturally they will not be impressed if someone who worked very closely with someone just doesn't bother to even drop in for half an hour on the grounds that "ooh it's a work thing. Ugh no".

Well if they are THAT rude would anyone care if they didn't show up? I know I wouldn't.