To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

I can hardly bear to spend time with those arseholes during work time, never mind spending my precious free time and money with them. The only time I went to a leaving do, we had the whole 'splitting the bill' fiasco, which resulted in some colleagues not talking to others for some time. Stuff that.

Yes, the whole splitting the bill thing can go badly wrong. Yet another good reason for not going on nights out with work colleagues.

I have friends in work and outside work and very rarely do the two groups mix, they don't know each other. Nothing wrong with going out with work colleagues but I always find that there is usually someone going who I would rather not spend my free time with...I can usually avoid them!

In other words (and this is my own reason for not attending anything work related) it's more hassle than it's worth .

What I don't understand is why does it matter so much to those people (on this thread) who do choose to socialise with colleagues if others choose not to? So what, really? It seems to be such an issue for some people and I can't fathom why.

You make your choices, I'll make mine, no bother all round.

It matters because in many jobs there is likely to be some social interaction. In mine getting to the end of complex/significant/generates huge fees project/making year end targets might result in drinks/meal out (at the firm's expense) as part of the closure of the project. There is likely to be grumbles from staff who expect this.

I'm slightly surprised so many of you seem to have working colleagues you tolerate at best to actively despise in some cases.

Whitzend I think you do think you're better than your colleagues. Even on a purely selfish level if you think they are a "total waste of time" they probably know how you think so good luck on getting your emergency typing/copying/staying late to help you out.

Sorry meant grumbles if it doesn't happen.

I'm also of the age where I couldn't care less whether people think I'm antisocial, snooty, stand-offish, whatever. I simply haven't got time to dwell on what other people think I should do with my time outside work

See that toss over there? I didn't give it It's vair liberating.

Going for a meal out to celebrate doing your job isn't necessary. Your job was to get the project done in the deadline.

Yes it's nice for the company to recognise that (even if they do get tax back on it on expenses) but the problem starts as you said " grumbles from staff who expect this".

The staff that expect this treatment are spoilt. They are paid to do a job just like everyone else but make like miserable for those who are not that bothered about going out.

Celebrating the fact I made a company some money isn't high on my list of priorities...neither are others birthdays (or mine come to that) or leaving do's. You are going to retire. Good for you and good luck..now off you go so I can get on with my job.

I'm there because I'm paid to be. I talk to you because I'm paid to. I'm nice to you because I have to be.

Your last sentence says it all really. "good luck on getting your emergency typing/copying/staying late to help you out."

Again, you really shouldn't need anyone helping you out.

OP, I think YANBU to think people who make a real point of telling you to your face - like the colleague you mentioned - are snooty. To be honest, it's just plain rude. There are people I'm not keen on at work but I would never tell them 'the thing is, why would I want to spend time with YOU?' But somehow when it comes to turning down work invites people think it's fine to make a point of having a life, like you don't or that it's weird to sometimes include colleagues in that life.
Equally, it's NBU to not want to go on work socials, if they are tactfully declined.
Some people seem to forget their colleagues are just people too, working for the same shitty company, who you should talk to with a basic level of civility even when it's about social events.

I don't go to any work social do's (another rogue ' but I agree it looks wrong without it) but I would never talk about my reasons for going. Colleagues who actually care probably know why and those that don't know, well, it's not rocket science!
They always post pics on FB of the dos they have had and I always 'like' them and say something nice, I got criticised for being sarcastic when I commented that I hoped that they had a good time at the one I got invited to on FB but I was being genuine #can'twin

not going instead of going.

Caitlin, well it matters to you and the area of work that you work in. Other people work in different types of jobs without those same expectations, so why would it matter for them?

im not snooty.

I have collegues at work not friends. I socialise with friends not collegues

I get paid to go to work and i must be around colleagues

In my own time, i WANT to be around my friends or my family

Why would i, spend my time with colleagues, unless they were my friends - which can happen, but not in my case.

If my collegues were my friends i would be more than happy to go out with them becuase i want to.

3 years working at a particular place - this last christmas i forced myself to attend a christmas party. I didn't want to, i didn't want to spend MY time, with a fake smile, making polite small talk to people who are not my friends - it is just not my idea of a good time, nor is it the way i want to spend my time. but i made the effort becuase i thought i should

Wow, the attitude of some people on this thread is pretty horrendous. Like I said, I rarely go to work dos, but I would never dismiss all my colleagues as 'arseholes', or snootily announce that the kind of people who want to socialise after work are the kind of people I want to avoid. Or that my life is obviously 'fuller' than the colleagues who make a bit more effort to socialise. In fact, the person who said that sounds a bit nasty,

No one is saying that people should be out socialising with colleagues all the time; or that there's anything wrong with making excuses a lot of the time to not go to things. We're talking about people who make a point of never ever going to work events and make this big 'statement' about not doing so. That is snooty and incredibly rude.

I no longer socialise with the people who I work with. Used to go out every pay day. Every last day of term. Every social event. A lot of the people have since left and are replaced with people who act like they are school kids.
Last went out with the current lot about a year ago. The 'kids' spoilt it for everyone. Not just us lot but others as well. We had been going somewhere for years because for a night out it ticked all the boxes. Reasonable priced and decent music. The kids got us all kicked out all banned. So yes I make a point of not going out with them. If that makes me stuck up or whatever, so what.

Why would that make you stuck up? That's not having a blanket rule about never ever socialising with colleagues no matter where you work.

I never go to after work pub things - ever.

I want to go home. if other people would also rather go home than I think they should.....it's their personal time after all. since when does having a beer at a pub with people you've seen all day make you a more "considerate" and "selfless person"? Its nobody's business why. has no bearing on ones ability to do their job.

why inflict your work-socializing preference on others? if you think your a better worker and person because you put yourself out to go to after work functions.... isn't that a bit snooty too?

You sound a bit miserable Whitzend Let's all stay behind our own barrier and not rely on anyone else. People dont expect a jolly at the end of the project, but sometimes a boss is nice enough to show appreciation when people have gone beyond what 's expected. Someone pursing up their lips and doing the "ooh no I can't waste time socialising with my colleagues, I have a life" just comes across as a snotty piece of work.
And I say that as someone who is not overly keen on work events.

oh and I say that as someone with several good work-friends. at is what they are though - work friends.

I would suspect that the blanket ban is simply a way of avoiding being bullied/nagged/jollied into events you don't want to attend. For some people it's much easier to just say 'I don't do that' than explain their reason for not wanting to go to your particular event.

I'm an extrovert and have happily socialised with people that I like from work, gone to Christmas do's, drinks after work etc but then we had a total nightmare of a person join our team who always wanted to go to any occasion where there was alcohol involved. Her behaviour was then a really big problem, and it spread into work hours and caused huge ructions, so that then if you had a quick pint with someone or were to friendly with someone else it had big implications for work. For me as the team manager the only way to avoid the problem was to completely stop socialising with any of my team.

Sad but much easier all round. Plus whilst some of the people I have worked with have turned into friends most of them I've never seen again since moving on to a new job. Being friendly isn't the same as being friends.

Fixit the term 'considerate' was used in relation to making an effort to go to someone's retirement drinks or to something like a 'thank you' do that someone has put a lot of effort into organising. No one's talking about 'having a beer in the pub', we're talking about occasions that are marking a significant event in someone's life or career, or that are a very kind and well meant gesture on someone's part. Making an effort on those occasions and not particularly liking someone just turning their nose up because there will be -gasp, horror- people from work there is not being snooty.