AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

[CraicWhore]

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

In our house, whoever cooks dinner gets off baby duty while they cook. DH always cooks, but ya know it's good to know that if I'm going to bluff about cooking dinner there's a motivation for him to do it. :)

as for hubby staying at home .hell would have froze over .he has always been a good father .but he would never have wanted to stay at home .

God forbid that any 'hubby' should do something he didn't want to do. Give up a career? That's woman's work, that is.

Isn't the whole point of this thread that OP's DH refuses to consider any kind of flexible arrangement where both have equal childcare/housekeeping responsibilities, despite the OP having greater earning potential?

That being the case, and given that OP would prefer to be out working herself, I really think her DH should lower his expectations on the meals front, particularly if he just walks away and leaves his dirty plates on the table. Utterly disrespectful.

Yes twofingers. He is being unreasonable.

OP, why don't you serve him up some supper ona paper plate with disposable cutlery and place the kitchen bin next to his lordships chair?

I agree with the posters who have said this isn't really about food. It's about you wanting to go back to work and being bored as a SAHM.

Why does one out of you and DH have to be a SAHP? Why can't you both work?

Even when I was working full time I still did the majority of the cooking. Find some recipes that look and taste good and require minimal time / effort to pull off.

Only work 2 days a week now and still do most if not all the cooking. That may be due to DH buying the most expensive version of a food item, not being able to cook it, wasting loads of it etc when he's asked to cook so I don't ask him to do much more than salad, chicken and new potatoes. Would be nice if he did more but he works far more hours a week than I ever did

I think you should be able to cook him a meal, and he should expect one.
I'm a sahp and even with two under two I managed a hot meal.

You need to batch cook a bit ( do a double portion of food and freeze) cook at lunch when babies are asleep or less needy. Choose five meals and master cooking them. You will have to cook good meals for the children soon anyway.

I don't think you can expect your DH to be a sahp because you earn more, he would be unhappy and do a bad job.

You should expect him to pitch in a bit! You need to allocate him jobs. My DH was little help when mine were tiny, he's better now after a
Lot of small steps. He's not great by any stretch but He does work really hard, long days so that our children can have a better quality of life. ( i can live with doing more domestic stuff than him) I'm just doing some freelance stuff now when they are at school.

A marriage and family is a team Effort, you may have to let some thing's slide for everyone to be happy, he won't be perfect but neither are you.

Honestly I think your not managing because your unhappy, why do you not like being at home? Not sure how you ended up without a nursery if you know you don't like being at home. Either go back to work or embrace your role.

YANBU, OP.

I was you, and I did exactly the same. I was forced to be the reluctant SAHP, , while he just went out to work and came home again, and I was buggered if I'd pander to H over dinner as well.

What's he going to expect when you go back to work?
All of the domestic stuff still needs doing. It's hard enough when you're at home. But if, as the female, you're expected to do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare when you in the house, surely it's going to be even tougher when you return to work.

Oh my god this thread!!! I don't think I gave heard some many non sense in so few posts.

Come on guys, wake up. Because YOU do manage to cook a meal for your DH doesn't mean the OP has to or can. Your circumstances will be different.
As for 'well he is a man so it's normal he us going to work even if it's not financially interesting' just leaves me with my mouth open. Seriously? Just saying 'I wouldn't bf good enough dad' is enough to allow you to just refuse any other working arrangement other than man goes to work, woman stay at home??
And the poor man who comes back at 8.30pm really has to be waited on, with cooked meal and a waitress at hand too.
Oh and the usual but bring a SAHP is a breeze and no effort at all brigade. let's forget that the OP's is refusing to be a SAHP because it's too hard work.

Fwiw I come back at home around 9.00pm each night. It allows me to start later and drop the dcs at school everyday. I never have a cooked meal at home. I cook my own meals and take them with me at work. DH does the cooking for the dcs in the evening. Or I put a meal in the slow cooker in the morning, one I am not going to eat.
Ie I don't expect to be waited on by DH and we share the cooking in the evening. I would expect the same if it was the other way around. And why not?

So the OP is at home with a 6 month old whilst the toddler is at nursery and the DH is doing a physical job...?

Whilst he does appear to be an arse, I don't think it unreasonable for him to expect dinner.

Because it's so hard hmm amazing considering lots work, parent and still manage to cook, clean and do admin.

I'm a parent who works, cooks, clean and does admin. I find life a lot easier now though than when on maternity leave when I had to look after a toddler and baby particularly as the baby kept me awake half the night. My guess is that you have never been a SAHP so can't actually compare.

let's forget that the OP's is refusing to be a SAHP because it's too hard work.

That wasn't what was said. He refuses to do it because he would find it soul destroyingly dull. It's not hard work.

mother I think the OP has been very clear that

• she is unhappy that her DH has made no effort to esuure she can work too (whatever the reason)
• that her DH does nothing re HW or parenting/childcare
• that her DH expects to look after completely, meals cooked, clothes washed, house cleaned whilst he us relaxing from a hard day at work.
• that he can do do little for himself that he can't actually cook a meal for himself from time to time.

I mean she is basically saying she doesn't want to the nanny and the servant for him.
I don't really wonder why she is unhappy.

Who said the OP doesn't find it should destroying too? I mean she is clearly WANTING to go back to work and would prefer work to be a SAHM. So why is it different for her???
Because she is a woman do she is suppose to enjoy it whereas he is a man so it's acceptable to say 'I can't it's soul destroying'
Right...,

I don't understand why OP is cooking for kids but not rest of family. Surely it's easy just to make bigger quantities. Having a bowl of cereal for her own meal isn't very healthy. OP why not just make bigger quantities so there is enough for everyone.

Anyone who just leaves their dirty plate on the table and refuses to be a fucking grown up and do their share of the housework, parenting and cooking is a knob and would be shown the door.

SAHM does not equal slave.

FFSw. If my son grows up to treat his wife like that I will die of shame.

I can't be arsed to read all the replies giving op suggestions on how she can cook for the man of the house after he has been out at work all day. Being out at work doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself. The ops job is to take care of the children. She's fed them. I'm sure if he was actually in the habit of listening to op and taking her feelings on board, she would be more inclined to cook him a meal.

The saddest thing about this thread isn't that op doesn'twant to cook for him, it's the fact that day after day he blithely leaves the house knowing the op is unhappy and wants to be at work but not willing to do anything to change thatand that he would rather slit his wrists than look after his own children. I wouldn't cook his dinner either.

If I was a sahm and my dh was busy working all day I would want to have some food available for him most days.
But then I would expect for him to join in at weekends. And I've not done any "admin" since I married dh
Everyone's life is so different.
I still wouldn't feel I had to cook for him everyday. And I would certainly be wearing a hole in the slow cooker.

You left him he'd certainly have to look after his dcs on his contact days.
Just saying.

The saddest thing about this thread isn't that op doesn'twant to cook for him, it's the fact that day after day he blithely leaves the house knowing the op is unhappy and wants to be at work but not willing to do anything to change thatand that he would rather slit his wrists than look after his own children. I wouldn't cook his dinner either.

Amen.

The answer isn't fucking batch cooking. Jesus, this thread.

Are some of the replies on here based on the 1950s good wife guide?

As for the argument that working parents manage to cook too, I suggest the op husband does the same then!

no. The answer isn't batch ccok. But op plans to return to work. The only Aston she hasn't yet is because she's waiting for a nursery place.
She could return to wrk and employ a cm.

But batch cooking and slow cookers are very helpful.
If you don't want to cookto order(i certainly don't) then those things can help.
If you actually don't want to cook for your DP because he's being a twunt, rather than because the timing is awkward (which it is) then that is of course another matter.

when DH does get home he does precisely FA. If the kids are still up he doesn't help bath or put them to bed. He sits watching really shit TV or xboxing, because he's been grafting all day and deserves the down time. He doesn't do any domestic chores, even just leaves his dinner plate on the table.
When I am at work I used to finish at 9pm. He would be at home mopeing about how hungry he was or he would eat a mcdonalds 3 times a week.

YANBU just for this, OP.

I also find 'oh God I'd slit my wrists if I had to stay at home with them all day! deeply sad. What exactly does he think a parent is/does?

I agree with everything Cardio says.

I think it is really sad that so many of you seem to regard childcare as forced labour; the impression coming across is that no one gets any pleasure out of looking after their children at all and their lives are full of drudgery. Many of my younger colleagues have had to return to work when their babies are months old, and I know they would far rather be at home with their children, irrespective of what part their partner plays.
One thing occurs; is the husband unable to return home any earlier than 8.30 pm, because that is late to start producing a meal, or is this deliberate, so that he doesn't have any involvement with his children?