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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

287 replies

CraicWhore · 22/05/2014 19:17

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

OP posts:
CraicWhore · 23/05/2014 18:14

Thanks slithy. I liked your posts btw. Very sensible and level headed.

OP posts:
slithytove · 23/05/2014 19:33

Grin np

I hope you and DP manage to find a resolution about all of these issues. We have all been there, it takes time. Like I said up thread it took DH and I nearly a year to sort ourselves out after DS came along, and no doubt we will suffer the same once DD2 arrives. But we will get there, and though our way might not work for anyone else, it'll work for us.

If you can set aside your frustrations with him and have a really honest conversation about a) what you both need and b) what you both want, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Keep us updated!

Writerwannabe83 · 23/05/2014 19:59

I'm currently on Maternity Leave with 9 week old DS.

I'd say 4 days out his working 5 my DH will sort out dinner. He is happy to do it and says it's so I can just relax Smile

Yamyoid · 23/05/2014 20:02

Sorry have only read to about page 5 but it occurred to me that no one (at that point, unless I missed it) had mentioned that whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to wash up.
That's how it works at our house whether sahm or wohm.

So, if your dh expects you to cook AND wash up, then Yanbu.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/05/2014 21:17

This threads been worth it for me for the discovery of cockwomble Grin

Iswallowedawatermelon · 23/05/2014 21:38

Yanbu

Why should you have to start cooking dinners just for him, just because you are temporarily working (as a sahm but still working) from home.

Stand your ground and tell him to sort his own dinners out.

Owllady · 23/05/2014 21:38

I don't know anyone who downs tools at 4pm
I wish :)

littlewhitebag · 23/05/2014 21:41

If you cook you NEVER wash up. You wander off with a cup of tea and leave it to DH/DD (in my house)

jessiemummy28 · 24/05/2014 10:37

I didn't think you were being unreasonable, even without the additional information. Why should you automatically make dinner just because you are temporarily at home? As I said up thread, I've been on maternity leave for 6 months and have cooked dinner twice in that time. DH gets home from work, baths DD then cooks dinner while I'm putting her to bed and having a quick tidy up.Then we both get to sit down and relax/eat dinner together. Don't really understand all the pearl clutching at a SAHM daring not to have dinner on the table!

medic78 · 24/05/2014 12:53

God the lack of respect for sahm is rife on this site. My dh works long hours but I don't cook for him when he comes home. I am busy putting ds3 to bed. Kids don't look after themselves.

medic78 · 24/05/2014 12:55

O and when he cooks at the weekend I tidy yet he never tidies the kitchen after he gets food for himself as I eat with dc.

medic78 · 24/05/2014 13:37

Yes I remember happy posting the gem. 2 of your dc are at school. It, s not that hard as you only have 1 at home. Wel lactually school runs x 4 and club runs actually make it harder in term time than school holidays. People really shouldn't post about things they have no perception of.

medic78 · 24/05/2014 13:52

caitlin I guess 6 month old babies look after themselves. No housework doesn't take 8 hours a day but childcare does.
Sorry reading thread slowly.

veryseriousgirl · 24/05/2014 16:00

I am Shock at a lot of the replies on here.

A house is run by two people. I've worked full time, worked part time, and am currently a SAHM to a toddler and a pre-schooler. That is a lot of work. I also look after the house / pets / admin / washing while they have naps / go to preschool. I don't get breaks during the day. Anyone who says that I am lazy on the nights that I am just too tired to cook again to provide supper for DH (who works hard, but will have had coffee breaks, lunch that didn't involve role-modelling behaviours and heading off food fights, and unaccompanied visits to the toilet) can seriously kiss my arse. DH himself would not dare suggest that I owe him dinner.

Of course it's nice to cook a meal and sit down together but there are days where it's not going to happen and he can heat something from the freezer. Because he is a grownup who can use the oven. And he can tidy his own plate away and even put the dishwasher on. Even though he worked a long, hard day. Because grownups can do that.

Even without the additional information, YANBU. Y were NEVER BU...

LizzieHexham · 24/05/2014 17:14

The suggestion that people who work outside the home get time out for "coffee breaks" and an uninterrupted lunch is hilarious.

Washing? Does that involve a tub and a mangle? And looking after pets is work? As for admin- we al have to do that, but it's hardly work. Usually I do it my lunch break (if I'm not working in my lunch break)

slithytove · 24/05/2014 17:33

Lizzie, as has been said countless times on this thread, what applies to you doesn't necessarily apply to others.

When I was working, I NEVER got a break. DH however gets plenty. So actually, it's not that hilarious.

When DH comes home, 9/10 times I guarantee he has had a less taxing day than I have, and he would agree.

The point is that, when the sahp takes care of ALL the admin, washing, pet care, appointments etc, it takes all of the pressure off the wohp. As opposed to say a single parent or 2 wohp who don't have that.

I know DH wouldn't be happy if he had to spend his lunch hour wrangling with our electric company, or sorting car insurance, or booking holidays, or had to take at least a day off work each month to deal with DS hospital appointments.

Why are people so desperate to make out that sahp do nothing?

slithytove · 24/05/2014 17:35

That 15 minutes a day of cleaning out litter, food and redoing it all, that 29 minutes of dealing with bills etc, that 60 mins of doing washing, hanging it, ironing it and putting it away - it's all time that the wohp doesn't have to spend on it.

But since it's not work, maybe they should?

slithytove · 24/05/2014 17:37

Fuck me I am so lucky that my DH doesn't share some of the appalling attitudes spouting from mainly women on this thread.

Why do some people get pleasure from running others down? Because that's what you are doing. In saying oh well what you do isn't work, it is belittling.

So far we have had the following dismissed:

Washing, pet care, childcare, holiday booking, and admin.

Then why doesn't the wohp do it? Why for the most part can people be hired to do these things?

Honestly.

Owllady · 24/05/2014 17:39

She has two children under two years old!

maninawomansworld · 24/05/2014 17:51

If he's out working all day then yes yabu.
Presumably any time off is coming out of his annual leave allowance so I can see why he's reluctant to use it up when you're at home anyway - you might really need it when you are back at work and someone needs an emergency day off when dd is ill or the nursery is shut unexpectedly or something like that.

whataloadofoldshite · 24/05/2014 17:55

YANBU

I'm a sahm. I do everything. DH does iron 5 shirts a week (only because he's very particular about his sleeve creases?!). He leaves the house before 7 and is home after 7. He gets to lay in at weekends. However, in the evening the only time I have to get up off my behind is if I need the loo. This works for usnow DD is almost 2.

When DD was small and I was BFeeding my DH worked and cooked most of the time. That worked for us then.

You just need to find what works for you as a couple. If its sharing cooking, washing up or whatever, that's down to the two of you.

Smile
Custardo · 24/05/2014 17:58

i dont think the meal is the issue at all. i think the issue is that hes a lazy fucker domestically.

i wouldnt mnd cooking a meal, if he washed the dishes - and vice versa

he should have his own laundry basket. he can iron his own clothes.

if he gets two days off at weekend - you need a day off too - so sort out a rota - he gets a lie in saturday - you get one sunday for instance.

5madthings · 24/05/2014 18:23

manin have you read all the ops posts%? She wants to go back to woto but he won't help with childcare, he's self employed so no leave as such.

He does fuck all even when he is at home leaving the op to deal with two little children!

veryseriousgirl · 24/05/2014 19:14

Lizzie, I said that my DH gets coffee breaks and has lunches with colleagues. I know not everyone does. I worked in a very high-pressure job as recently as Feb this year, and I, too, ate lunches hunched over my desk preparing for my next meeting or sorting out household admin and, for me, that was still easier in a lot of ways than attempting to get some food in to myself during a "family lunch".

No one is saying that working with kids isn't bloody hard (I know from personal experience that it is really, really difficult). But it's ridiculous to imply that SAHP are living a life of leisure.

No, I don't wash using a mangle, but loading the machine is the easy part. I'm still sorting, ironing, folding and putting away for four people and that takes time. As for pets - do you have any? I do the cat's litter, walk the dog, groom both a bit every day at this time of year as they're losing winter coats, feed both twice a day, and go to vet's appointments. None of which are huge jobs, but they are the little jobs that add up and mean that even when the kids are having down time, I am fully scheduled.

Yes, I get that working parents have it rough, but SAHP isn't all soft-focus and MN either...

veryseriousgirl · 24/05/2014 19:22

Slithy, I'm having a glass of wine now, and it may be the booze talking, but I kind of love you right now. Wine