AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

[CraicWhore]

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

God, that chicken and sweet and sour sauce thing sounds fucking rank. Sorry to derail.

davinci she's In charge of her own destiny. Did they not have a conversation about how it would all work with two children? OP could have booked a nursery place when she fell pregnant. I don't understand how you get to this point.

Surely you discuss things.

" yes I'd like another baby but I don't want to look after it. I want to go back to work, so will only take a month off. I need you to contribute a bit more before I commit to Dc number two. You will need to do the nursery run. ..." That sort of conversation.

Er...if cooking is that easy, he can do it.

(Agree about the chicken, btw. And a jar of sauce is 'processed food' anyway.)

Do people really have those sorts of conversations? And/or if they do, are they not allowed to change their minds afterwards?

Admittedly, I got up the duff kind of incidentally, and never Sat Down And Had A Talk.

actually that sweet and sour sauce is like crack for my 14 yr old.. he'd have it every night if I let him

A jar of sauce for 6hrs????

The point is not how easy it is for the op to make her dh dinner.

The point is why should she make a dinner solely for him, not for herself or the dc, for a man who refuses to let her work as he won't give up his job despite being the lower earner, and who doesn't do a stroke of work in the house including picking his own dinner plate up in the evening?

I wouldn't give daylight in the darkness to someone who treated me like that.

OP, why is he not getting back in till 8.30pm? That's pretty unusual in the trades. Normally they start pretty early but are finished pretty early too.

Anyway, YANBU. If he was single what would he do? Is he not capable of cooking a batch of food for the fridge/freezer?

No on the hob for me.. it's quick it's handy for now and then when i'm in a rush or something he can knock up himself if we're having potatoes... I can't see the harm of it going in the slow cooker though, the result would be the same.

The problem here is your dh.

If you want to work- go to work. Don't let any one stop you. Can you use child minder as they are cheaper?

Regarding SAHM and jobs :- I'm work one day a week and on that day as we both work and get in at same time we get a take away.

The rest of the week, I do all the house work and cook a meal for us both after I have sorted dc out, because I have time and honestly don't mind doing it.

If I had been at work all day and the house was a shit hole and no dinner was made and dp gave me the excuse of 'I've been playing with the dc all day' I'd be pissed off.

You don't sound happy in the relationship tbh

I dont make tea for DH. We alternate. He is back around 5. And we give DD what we are having.
I do all the washing... Of which he produces more than DD.
I am often out at groups, library etc.
I dont think its selfish. I did bf for over a year and so did all night wakings even at weekends, several a night.
When we both worked we alternated. I am still working its just childcare.... My nursery wouldnt be doing the washing tidying etc.
As cooking alternate or so days is the only thing he does im sure he doesnt feel too bad about it.

Yes, of course you don't have to. But I would (and do) usually cook in the evenings. The whole attitude of "well, the DCs and I have been fed", seems incredibly selfish. It's not as though your DH is working 3 hours a day in an office is it?

I also think he is being very selfish on the work front - although I probably would have found a CM or alternative nursery myself by now if I was as unhappy as you seem to be as a SAHP.

I also wouldn't stand for having to take his dinner plate in to the kitchen. I do cook for the whole family (even though I am often cooking 3 different things at different times) but DH will wash the plates. The rest I do as I go along.

Happy mum I never thought I would say this but I actually agree with you

Can't you just bung some meat and veg in a slow cooker then there is always something for whenever anyone comes in.

Hmmm sahp here who had 3 under 15 months and a dp doing a knackering job.

I put CBeebies on at 4pm cooked the same for all of us and then handed all 3 over after he'd eaten and I collapsed in a chair.

I didn't feel like cooking but he used to drag himself home during his lunch hour to give me a break which I'm pretty sure he didn't feel like doing either.

It's all about give and take and supporting each other.I don't believe anybody is perfect and there shouldn't be defined rules.It's only on MN that this apparently happens.

You do what you have to do to get through the early days.

cockwomble is entering my regular vocabulary!
So to answer some questions - when I got pregnant with DS I was thrilled. Couldn't wait to be a SAHM had visions of being a domestic goddess etc. But the reality was not the same as the fantasy. I love spending time with boy, but I found I really missed my job too. I went back to work full time after 6 months and DS went to nursery or DH had him at evenings/ weekends.
Wasn't planning a second child, had a crappy implant fitted because I was refused a sterilisation and I was one of the unlucky 0.1% or whatever the statistic is where it failed.
I absolutely love Dd and wouldn't be without her. The reason I don't get a childminder while I'm waiting for the nursery place is because I'm worried about the quality of the care they would receive. Just because I don't enjoy being a full time SAHM it doesn't mean I'm a crap mother.

The nursery is excellent (hence why there is such a long waiting list) and DS is truly happy there.
When I do return to work it will be for 3 days a week. (8-4) and 2 sat/sun a month. DH will have to have them on those days even though he whined like buggery about it.
I know from previous experience that when he has the children no house work gets done. I buy the hipp organic toddler meals for when DH has DS otherwise he would just be fed a bag if crisps and a bowl of custard. Last week fed 6 month old a handful of Pringles and couldn't understand why I was furious!
On the days DS is not at nursery I do always cook and make sure the children have lots of fresh veggies and fruit. DS likes to 'help' cook. He is very sweet.
I think other posters are right it's not about the cooking really it is about me feeling resentful so I've adopted a 'fuck you' attitude. Had a bit of chat this morning and we've agreed to sit down at some point over the weekend and have a proper talk.
I have no idea how he manages to get back so late either. I agree that most other trades seem to down tools at 4pm. Despite working every hour god sends, never seems to have any money, so yeah there is another issue.

Slightly off topic, but PMSL at 'chicken breast with jar of sweet and sour sauce' being unprocessed food!

Where to start.

So he does fuck all in the house, works long hours for no money (apparently?), won't take care of the kids so you can work and provide a better family income, and thinks it's fine to feed crisps to babies. Oh and would rather starve and sulk than make himself something to eat.

Has he always been so useless? What's wrong with him?

Usually I would say whoever is at home can cook for everyone but I would just cook the one meal. How do all of you posters afford separate meals for everyone. We meal plan and buy what we need for those meals.

Anyway this thread isn't about the cooking and I agree with others you need to sit down and talk to your dp about chipping in more. I am glad to see you are going to chat about it.

I blame his mother! I love her to bits but she is one of those freaks super women that only need four hours sleep a night. Her daily routine would be get up around 5.30 to make a cooked breakfast for the boys, make sure everyone was dressed and ready for work/school, dropped them off, go home make lunch for the boys - take it to them if necessary. Ask what they wanted for dinner then shop specifically for it. Make dinner for when they got in. Do all housework. Run them a bath, make sure all their work clothes were washed and ironed for the morning. Stay up until about 1am darning socks and hemming trousers etc.
She is also a natural blonde with a tiny waist and enormous natural knockers. Think she might be an alien/robot really.

I haven't rtft but I think yanbu. My dp is also a self-employed builder who works 12 hour days. I generally try to cook for him, and when I do he is grateful! If I can't be bothered, he has a choice, he can cook, he can order a takeaway, or we both make ourselves a sandwich.

You have two children under two! I am a part-time student with a five year old, but expecting another in October. When the babie's born I expect my dp to work shorter hours and do his share of the cooking!

OP you must admit you've been guilty of a massive drip-feed here. If you had elaborated slightly more at the start about the huge imbalance in your relationship I think you would have got very different replies!

I do find it incredibly sad that he is grumbling about being in sole charge of the DCs for 2 days a month. What a dick.

Apologies if you think I've been drip feeding. Didn't want to ramble on with information that others would find irrelevant. God knows those posts are tedious!
I didn't include the lack of other house work at the start because I thought it was more clear cut then that. i.e paid work his business, children home/domestic stuff my business. Wasn't expecting 'YANBU to not cook dinner if he does the washing up and hoovering.'

You got a yanbu off me and several others without the additional information...