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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

183 replies

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:03

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

OP posts:
FreeSpirit89 · 22/05/2014 14:05

Just say he is welcome and them when you go to the scan you can ask if she would mind waiting outside as you feel it would be overcrowded.

That way it's a own win. Your ex gets to come the mother remains there but outside.

shakinstevenslovechild · 22/05/2014 14:06

YANBU at all. A scan is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport.

Do you think she would back down with the promise of picture if you are happy to let her have one?

misskatamari · 22/05/2014 14:06

Definitely NOT unreasonable! I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near me after her behaviour, let alone for my 20 week scan. To be honest - I don't even know if the hospital would allow her in anyway - the scan is quite a big deal and is important for checking the babies organs and development etc - I don't think they'd want an extra person there who isn't a parent.

RosiePosiePing · 22/05/2014 14:06

Of course YANBU. She sounds toxic and controlling.

Your ex needs to get the money together himself. How on earth is he going to support his child? Or will he expect his mum to do that too Hmm ?

Chelvis · 22/05/2014 14:06

Not unreasonable at all! 20 weeks is the scan when one of my DDs waved and we could see her features properly. It's amazing and too precious to be ruined.

Doesn't he get JSA and could pay for his own coach fare? Or could you help?

Just remembered, I'm sure it was one guest per patient anyway!

Chunderella · 22/05/2014 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:08

I would be more than happy to give her a picture of the scan - she and ex have half the pictures from the 1st scan.

I will try your suggestion, shakinstevenslovechild, but to be entirely honest with you ex's mum (I know this because he told me) has an issue with us being left alone together because she is scared we will get back together, which she does not want for her son!

OP posts:
Icimoi · 22/05/2014 14:09

How about saying yes and then "changing your mind" at the moment when you're going in for the scan? I wouldn't normally advocate that sort of deceit, but given her past behaviour, the fact that she is using her financial power to keep her own son from seeing his baby, and that you really can't trust her to behave if you did let her come in, I think you're justified.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:10

Chnunderella and Freespirirt89 - maybe it is indeed time to start being a little bit underhand. I guess my other concern is with things so amicable between ex and me I don't want to spoil things by upsetting his mum - but at the same time really am unconfortable being around her.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 22/05/2014 14:10

She sounds awful op, poor you. Don't give in, you'll be worried enough as it is. Do you have anyone to take for backup in case MIL refuses to wait outside?

sezamcgregor · 22/05/2014 14:11

I would question why his mum controls his finances - and how he proposes to pay towards the child once it's born.

I found my 20 week scan to be very special and had my mum with me as I was single at the time.

I wish I had gone by myself in some ways because it was just magic and I wanted to cry, which I didn't feel able to in front of mum as we had some real issues while I was PG.

I gave birth on my own (other than MW and nurse) and again, that was absolute magic.

I'd tell her that she can come with him in the coach, but not into the scan. I'm sure there's a two person limit at the scan anyway.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 22/05/2014 14:12

She sounds very toxic. I'm sure he will find a way for being there if he really wants to, but put your foot down with her now, otherwise she will drive you crazy the closer you get to your Due date. It's up to him to sort his own mother issues out.

hettie · 22/05/2014 14:12

NO No no, don't let this controlling cow have leverage over you (even if he misses out). You my ast assert yourself now and be strong with boundaries. Otherwise she will push and push and continue to make conditions (no money unless I get to see baby first, no money unless baby stays overnight). She has no right to be there and you don't want her to be there.
Oh... And does he racism extend to her unborn child or is she conveniently forgetting that he/she will share half your genes?

expatinscotland · 22/05/2014 14:12

Is he a man? He saves the money for the fare to come alone. Simples. FFS.

QuizzicalCat · 22/05/2014 14:13

YANBU, at all. She wouldn't be coming anywhere near my medical tests.

Whether your ex can afford to come is not your problem. You made the decision to invite him, that is the end of it from your pov.

If she turns up tell the staff you don't want her in the room. If she makes any sort of scene she'll be removed.

She sounds horrible, unless you want to be walked all over for the next 18 years you need to set out your 'No' stall from the beginning.

My response would be 'X you are welcome to come, your mother is not. Hope you can make it.' End of discussion.

His controlling, vindictive, vitriolic mother and his screwed up relationship with her are not your problem. His transport issues are not your problem.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:14

Hettie - she is one of those people who think that mixed-race children are only black so my white genes will be conveniently ignored....although the thought of ever leaving her alone in charge of my child just makes me angry to be entirely honest.

I get what you say about putting my foot down now before she establishes a pattern of making demand but I also want to be fait to ex.

OP posts:
SpicyPear · 22/05/2014 14:14

It would be insane to have her there given the circumstances, but don't be underhand. That just gives her something real to base her dislike of you on.

He is a grown man. Just tell him he is welcome but his mother isn't. You are not a couple anymore and it is not your responsibility to smooth this out.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2014 14:15

His mum is his problem, not yours. He needs to set boundaries. You set yours: you are not comfortable with her there, it is a medical procedure, you are the patient.

diddl · 22/05/2014 14:15

When is the scan?

He's unemployed but he is living with his mum.

Can he really not save the money himself?

And no, don't let her be there if you don't want her to.

I know you're trying to be kind, but is it worth it?

Inertia · 22/05/2014 14:17

I wouldn't bother with underhand tactics. Just say no. It's a medical procedure carried out on your body, not a cinema screening. There may be medical issues that you need to discuss during the scan- why on earth would you allow someone that hostile and abusive towards you into your personal medical examination?

If your ex can't get the bus fare together then he needs to figure out what he's going to do to financially support his child.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 22/05/2014 14:17

Yanbu. The 20th week scan is the anomaly scan.

I would prefer being alone in case something came up. Unlikely as it is, I would rather not have my ex-MIL and my ex in the room. I did not have DH for any of my scans. I have three DCs.

Now is a good time for you to set boundaries:

How will you feel if she gets the anomaly results at the very same time you do?

What is she asks to be in the delivery suite?

Start planning now. She will also have more time to get used to your boundaries. I think it is a win-win.

LayMeDown · 22/05/2014 14:18

YANBU. This is not your problem though. Tell your ex he is welcome, she is not. It's up to him to sort it out. Have a friend or other relative on standby to accompany you in case the man child decides its not worth the grief of standing up to her and doesn't come.

MrsCakesPremonition · 22/05/2014 14:19

At our hospital, only the pregnant woman is allowed at the first part of the scan (while all the checks are being done). At the very end of the scan, family can be called in by the sonographer, in which case you could make it very clear to the sonographer that only your Ex is allowed in.

Burren · 22/05/2014 14:19

Your ex will have to sort out his own coach fare - surely he has some benefits, if he is unemployed, or a friend who could lend him a small sum for a bus fare? Or he could hitch! He's not all alone in the world with no resources bar his mother.

I wouldn't for a moment even consider allowing her to attend the scan, even if your hospital allows more than one person along with the expectant mother (mine didn't). Establish boundaries. It's a medical procedure to look for anomalies, not some kind of cute meet and greet.

If your ex hasn't got enough initiative and get-up-and-go to deal with his own mother and make his own way to the scan of his unborn child, then that's his issue. Was he this wet when you were with him? You sound as if you are continually having to find solutions for him and prop him up.

gotnotimeforthat · 22/05/2014 14:19

I'm sure only two adults ( including yourself) can be in the ultrasound room.