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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

183 replies

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:03

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 22/05/2014 14:48

Then you're a mug.

pinkyredrose · 22/05/2014 14:51

He would at least get JSA. If he had amy brain cells he could've found somewhere to live nearer you and claimed housing and council tax benefits.

Seems like he'd rather sponge off the women in his life.

Hoppinggreen · 22/05/2014 14:51

Do you have family OP?
Could you take your mum and forget this loser and his vile mother.
If you allow him to see your child with her in tow now you are setting the scene and she will barge in all the time, possibly even trying to take your child for periods.
Keep her well away and if your ex can't man up and find a way to visit hs child ( or better support him/her) then forget him as well.

2rebecca · 22/05/2014 14:52

It's not your job to support him any more. I would be clear to your ex that his mother isn't coming to the scan with you and this is non-negotiable. If that means he doesn't come to the scan then he doesn't come to the scan, he is an ex-boyfriend after all. If he's unemployed he should have some money. He can involve himself in his child's life when he becomes more independant and starts saving or gets a job.
You don't need 2 children to mummy.

IDontDoIroning · 22/05/2014 14:53

This is an important medical procedure. Very sadly some women do not have happy news arising from this procedure.
The sonographer has to do a set of procedures and measurements. It's very serious and should not be a spectator event. It's also important the sonographer isn't disturbed during this process.
Some hospitals only allow the woman's partner (baby's df) and restrict the number of people allowed into the sonography room due to the above reasons.
You could find out the hospitals policy on this or if unclear ring your midwife for advice. It would be ideal if you could obtain something official to give him to say this.
I'm not sure you should give him the fare as it sets an expectation for the future. If he really wanted to come I'm sure he could find the money,

ICanSeeTheSun · 22/05/2014 14:54

Yanbu.

Have who you want there, but to be honest if he can't afford to come to the scan how in the hell is he going to afford to have contact with his child, buy the child what he/she needs.

CorporateRockWhore · 22/05/2014 14:56

Oh OP...please please don't pay his coach fare!

He needs to use the next 20 weeks to get himself a job and a living situation which does not involve his mother.

If he can't afford to come for the scan, then that is sad for him, but he can't expect you to keep bailing him out. He is a grown man. Apparently.

Original poster

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:57

Pinkyredrose, yes I am sure you have never trusted anyone who turned out to be unworthy of it, thanks so much for your sympathetic response...I'm a mug? ANd you're a very judgemental person :)

OP posts:

NewNameForSpring · 22/05/2014 15:01

I agree with Bruno - you could do with losing touch with both of them.

For god's sake don't pay for him yourself.

I do not know why you want him there but if you do, just tell him he is welcome, not his mnother. as someone else said, if he really wants to be there he will get there.

Otherwise just go yourself and hopefully have a lovely time. Then book yourself some counselling to work out why you are trying to keep this loser in your child's life.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/05/2014 15:02

I don't know if he's in a city which has the service but I got a megabus to london (from leeds) not too long ago. For 7 quid.

I'm sure if he really tried he could find that amount to be there for this important appointment. His mother should not be involved at all other than as the recipient of a scan photo, should your ex decide to give her one.

If he really can't find the money I'd take this as an indication of what sort of father he's planning on being and act accordingly in future.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/05/2014 15:07

Look OP, if you are worrying about upsetting his mother then you are in for a very bumpy ride.

She's not your friend, and she isn't going to be a good grandmother. And your ex isn't going to be a good father.

I understand that you want to try - but just keep your distance, and start as you mean to go on. Surround yourself with people on YOUR side, and do not enable your ex - don't pay for him to come. And wait and see. And keep his mother at arm's length. And prepare for a fight or two.

pinkyredrose · 22/05/2014 15:10

Yes I have trusted people and then discovered the real them. But I learned my lesson. I didn't keep flogging a dead horse and trying to make them something they weren't.

If this guy gave a flying fuck about his baby he'd step up and you wouldn't need to be asking the questions you're asking.

qazxc · 22/05/2014 15:11

The 20 week scan is a medical procedure, no way your toxic ex's mother should be there.
What if (God forbid) you get bad news?
Even if all goes well she would find a way of making the day turn sour.
Tell ex that you do not want his mother there, let him deal with her, she is not your problem.
If he is determined to be at the scan, he will find a way to get there. It is about time he started to prove that he is and will put his child first (and that includes the 2 of you parenting together, presenting a united front).

Thumbwitch · 22/05/2014 15:12

Look, there's being fair to the ex, and being fair to yourself and your baby. If your ex can't stand up to his mother now, how much worse is he going to be when the baby turns up?

Say no. Tell him that if he can't keep his mother away then you're very sorry, you'll send him the pics but you can't have him there either, as it's simply not worth it having her there too.

He seriously needs to grow the fuck up and sort himself out - if his mother is going to use finances to control his every move, then he needs to get himself out of there pronto, get benefits or a job and stand on his own two feet.

If he can't, then he's not going to be much of a dad to your child, sadly.

nahidontthinkso · 22/05/2014 15:19

Tell her to bog off. You need to put your foot down NOW otherwise she will try and muscle in on being at the birth as well.

Surely your ex gets JSA so he must be able to pay for the bus fare himself. If he really wants to be at the scan he will find a way.

Summerbreezer · 22/05/2014 15:21

OP, I don't think you are a mug - but please don't let any adult become financially reliant on you again.

Don't let yourself be used by him anymore. No to the mother attending and he can come if he makes his own way. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself and your baby.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/05/2014 15:21

do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother.

You don't have to 'make things easy for him'. What's wrong with him? Is he that much of a baby he can't do anything without his mummy?
You will need that coach money for the baby - for the new baby I mean.
All the other stuff with his mum is his problem not yours.

Original poster

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 15:43

It seems she is going to just turn up! I emailed ex saying he was still welcome to come if he could but not to worry if not. I said that his mother is not welcome because I do not feel comfortable around her and that the scan is something that should be personal to us as the parents.

Got a reply saying that he understands my POV but that she intends to come anyway because it's her grandchild and I can't 'cut her off'.

He ahs reassured me that he will stand up for me if she does say or do anything unpleasant...

I think I am going to have to phone the hospital in advance and ask them NOT to let her in and repeat this in person on the day.

Is this reasonable of me?

OP posts:

CaptChaos · 22/05/2014 15:45

littlecat this man is a cocklodger. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you thought a lot of is one, but you do eventually get over it. What you mustn't do now is give him any more of your money. If he wants anything to do with your child, then he will do it, regardless of what you're prepared to do to facilitate that with money etc.

If he really wants to be there, he will, and without mummy in tow. If he doesn't, he won't, simples.

diddl · 22/05/2014 15:48

Disinvite them both.

I mean seriously.

He cheated on you, his mum will only pay for him to be there if she can as well.

What a pair of arseholes.

BristolRover · 22/05/2014 15:48

There's no way the hospital will let her in. Ask them to call security if necessary (not a bad idea to notify them in advance). This is absolutely fuckall to do with her.
Equally - why on earth are you giving her the correct appointment time / date? they can be changed, you know... Don't put yourself through unnecessary stress.

Only1scoop · 22/05/2014 15:49

Send them a photo....start as it seems you will have to go on.

Thumbwitch · 22/05/2014 15:49

Absolutely reasonable and your ex is a weak twat.

She has NO "rights" as a grandparent - while I wouldn't necessarily condone you "cutting her off" when the baby is born, it's the baby who has the "right" to know the grandparent, not the other way around - and while the baby is still a part of you then she has no fucking rights at all! It's your belly, she can do one.

Definitely phone the hospital and say you want her kept out and that it will distress you mightily (something they don't like happening to pregnant women) if this bullying woman is allowed in.

Original poster

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 15:50

BristolRover - I will do that :0 Going to make it clear to ex what I am doing. I gave ex the appointment time to invite him - why on earth he gave it to his mum is beyond me!

OP posts:

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/05/2014 15:51

And here it starts.

OP, do yourself a favour.

Text your ex:

'I have told you that she is not welcome and that is that. Tell your mother that if she turns up at my appointment she will be prevented from coming in by the medical staff and given her aggressive history it is likely that the police will be called. I do not want to have to cut her off, but if she is going to threaten me and be aggressive then yes I will be protecting my child from that. If you want to start standing up for me, then do so now and tell your mother that she is not permitted to come.'

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