Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

183 replies

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:03

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

OP posts:
qazxc · 22/05/2014 20:14

Even if you got on with her like a house on fire, it would be very unusual for MILs to be at a scan, so I don't see why she expects to be there.
I love my MIL but wouldn't have wanted her at my scan, it would have felt really awkward. I ended up going on my own as DP couldn't get the time off work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/05/2014 20:31

OP, your ex, although unemployed, must surely be in receipt of Job Seekers Allowance? He is not completely without income, so he should be capable of saving some of it for the coach fare himself.

Being a good parent is about prioritising your children's needs over your own convenience. In his case, it would be to not spend his money on whatever he uses it for now and to put it aside for the coach fare. Or to borrow it from a friend (not his blackmailing mother). It might be tough for him to do without something, but like I said, it's all about priorities.

He shouldn't need to get the coach fare off his mother.
He shouldn't be putting you in the position of having to say no.
He shouldn't be prioritising what she wants over what you, the mother of his child, wants.
He shouldn't be a passive little mummy's boy.
He shouldn't have cheated on you.

As others have already posted, you need to start as you want to go on. She has NO RIGHTS whatsoever. You can 'cut her off' if you want to (and IMO it would be for the best).

"He has reassured me that he will stand up for me if she does say or do anything unpleasant..."
Another way of putting that is to say he's happy to put you in her line of fire and you can be on tenterhooks just waiting for her to kick off, and when if she does he'll stand there and whine "Aww, Mu-um, you promised ...". Seriously not good enough!

I know you've said you want to be fair to him, but you really are going above and beyond here! He needs to be fair to you too.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:16

OP, random question, but where are you based? Are you NW by any chance?

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 22/05/2014 22:09

She sounds very toxic. I'm sure he will find a way for being there if he really wants to, but put your foot down with her now, otherwise she will drive you crazy the closer you get to your Due date. It's up to him to sort his own mother issues out.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 23/05/2014 10:15

slithytove, I'm in Cardiff and he is in London x

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 23/05/2014 12:29

I'm in Cardiff. Send me a photo of her and I'll stage an incident. Grin

DenzelWashington · 23/05/2014 13:12

I like Cardiff. If you want a black woman to tear several strips off her, I'll pop down. I'm very cheap, a packet of pork scratchings and a bottle of pale ale will be ample recompense.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 23/05/2014 14:11

Ladies as much as I would LOVE to see her get a taste of her own medicine (and the idea of a black woman in particular standing up for me against her would probably confuse her so much!) I think I might just loose the moral high ground if I invited mumsnetters to stage incidents/tear several strips off her. Thanks for making me smile though

OP posts:
shazama · 23/05/2014 14:27

I'd phone the hospital and double check with them that if 3 of you turn up, that only 2 can go into the scan room.

I would then contact ExP and tell him to let his mother know that she will not be allowed in if she does come.

She will ruin your day and you'd be better going by yourself or with a good friend/your own mother.

HappyDogRedDogToss · 23/05/2014 14:27

So a £5 mega bus fare then?

Thumbwitch · 23/05/2014 14:32

Do try and get an earlier scan, so that they have no reason to visit at all.

Your ex needs to sort this out NOW or when the baby is born, his mother will be trying to muscle in along with him and I'm quite sure you won't want her there then either!

As for the birth certificate, well I'm sure you know that you can't name the father without him being there (as you're not married), so unless you plan on getting him along to register the birth with you, it's not going to be a problem for you.

By all means offer fairness to your baby's father, but do not press it upon him because YOU will be the one who gets taken for a ride.

shazama · 23/05/2014 14:36

I'm pretty sure the HT is aware of these things for their self and so it is their decision to make.

If you don't think she is a good HT, then that is another matter for you to take up with the board of Governors - not the MN forum.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 23/05/2014 14:48

Change the date and don't tell them.

You need to be focusing on that baby and yourself right now. Life can be as easy as you make it. Take back your control of the situation, your about to become a mother.

I'm sorry but I don't think this man is suddenly going to turn in to super dad over night when you have the baby.

He has proven him self to be a bad apple.

Give him up dates on the pregnancy and when the baby is born and leave the rest to him. You do not need to facilitate this man child. You will enter in to a tug of was with his mother and your own baby if you are not careful how you react now.

Get your self a good support network, you don't need these two arseholes. Flowers

Good luck x

shazama · 23/05/2014 14:49

Sorry! PC went crazy - wrong thread!!

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 23/05/2014 14:50

Also a child having no parent is far better than having a toxic parent. The damage they do is unforgivable .

VanGogh · 23/05/2014 17:02

Sending you love and support.

If you want a lanky white woman to come over and tear a strip off her then I'm game too. Cider and mini chedders will recompense me ta!

DenzelWashington · 23/05/2014 17:04

ooh, VanGogh, party!

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 23/05/2014 17:34

Ladies, behave :P

OP posts:
Original poster
92littlecat92 · 23/05/2014 17:37

received a lovely email earlier telling me that I can't keep the child away from its 'real' family (um...more real than me, the woman the child is still currently inside?) and that I had better give the child HER son's surname!

Blocked her address now. Didn't even know she had my email address!

Given that I have managed to change the scan time to 2 hours earlier than original appointment I'm not worried though. {smile}

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/05/2014 17:44

Oh ffs What is she even going to do when you don't give your child her son's surname? Does she think any court in the land would be on her side?

The woman is an idiot.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 23/05/2014 17:45

Oh the irony is I am happy to give the child BOTH our surnames! Not because she demands it though!

OP posts:
MintyCoolMojito · 23/05/2014 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DenzelWashington · 23/05/2014 17:51

If you want to talk more seriously about 'swirly' families (latest lingo for bi-racial families), PM me.

thebodylovesspring · 23/05/2014 17:55

I could be there! I am little but good! And I love a good fight!!

parentalunit · 23/05/2014 18:08

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship

How depressing. He fathered your unborn child, cheated on you after 3 years together, and is unable to support the new baby (physically as he can't get to you, as well as financially). Did I miss something?

Is this your first child? Sounds like you're underestimating the amount of work it will take to raise the child (well). Tell your ex to get a job as your child will need his support.