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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

183 replies

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:03

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/05/2014 16:56

Be wary of demonising her (she does sound horrendous!) however, he is the real problem.

ThinkFirst · 22/05/2014 17:01

Your unborn baby, your body, your medical procedure. She has NO rights whatsoever over any of those.

I agree with those who say change your scan date and take someone else. Tell your if ex can't keep his abusive mother away and not tell her scan dates then he himself won't be given the information either.

Stand your ground now or this will only get worse. You are totally NBU.

Petrasmumma · 22/05/2014 17:03

YANBU. Very firmly not. If she thinks it's reasonable behaviour to bully her way into viewing a private medical procedure, you must realise she is going to be a nightmare for you if don't draw boundaries right now.

DenzelWashington · 22/05/2014 17:07

Bear in mind that given her views of your race, ex's mother is very likely going to assert herself as being more important to and a more necessary role model/figure in your child's life than you, and even possibly as having a more natural affinity with that child. Prepare yourself for that. It's nonsense, obviously.

cutefluffybunnes · 22/05/2014 17:08

She should not be in the waiting room, either. Do you want to sit there listening to her abuse before you have your scan? So that all you'll be thinking of during what should be a lovely time is her words ringing in your ears? Her negativity casting a shadow on it all?

Disinvite them both. Tell your ex you are sorry, but you cannot have her anywhere near you at the moment. She has no right to be there. He either comes down on his own, like a proper grown-up, or he doesn't come at all.

iirc · 22/05/2014 17:08

YANBU - change the scan date and don't tell him as he isn't going to be able to provide for his child and lives too far away to visit regularly and when he does exs mum will only let him if she's there as it's her grandchild after all and she "has rights".

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/05/2014 17:11

She's going to turn up anyway and try and barge her way into your medical appointment,

All because she thinks she has rights? Couldn't wish for a better example of antisocial harassing offensive behaviour.

ALifeOfPie · 22/05/2014 17:19

Definitely change the appointment time. You don't need this stress, you need to prioritise your health and the health of your baby and dealing with an agressive racist is not compatible with that. Agree that telling hosp security to keep her out also a good idea. They will be on your side.

magoria · 22/05/2014 17:32

Agree with all the others saying change the date and don't tell him.

You need to make a stand NOW because this woman will be coming to the birth, will be in the labour room and in the ward holding your brand new baby while you are knackered, sore and tired if you don't put your foot down NOW.

Start now as you need to go on or you will have the next 20 + years like this.

Original poster
92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 18:01

Think I am going to have to try and change the date or at least time to make sure. Lot of stress I could do without to be honest! But having her potentially there making a scene will be even more stressful.

OP posts:
magoria · 22/05/2014 18:09

You really do have to do this and tell him why.

It won't end here. It will be

The clothes she takes off your child and puts the ones she has chosen on.

Formula feeding if you are breastfeeding, or nagging and nagging and nagging for you to stop. So

That she can take your baby over night from a few weeks old after all 'her son is the dad he has the right to have it stay with him even if breastfed'.

Then keeping your child if the dad is on the birth certificate because 'her son is the dad he has the right to have it stay with him'.

Feeding your child without your knowledge or when you are not ready to wean.

Ignoring any allergies or health problems because 'they don't exist or her kids never had them'.

Don't think I am exaggerating just go and find some of the desperate threads on here.

That is just the first six months.

Start as you mean to go on.

MommyBird · 22/05/2014 18:17

Couldn't you change the date to be before the 'actual date' and have your scan.

Then tell your ex you had abit of backache and the midwife sent you for a scan and managed to do all of the checks there and then?
You won't be the bad person 'keeping them away'

Or is that sneaky?

It still doesn't solve any problems in the future.
She will be on the coach down when its your due date. She will be in room with you giving birth and will 'help' you with the baby when you're home. And will stay about 6 months.

MommyBird · 22/05/2014 18:18

Everything Magoria said.
With bells on.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 22/05/2014 18:39

I still think you should assert your rights now and do it openly. I'd also second a previous poster's suggestion that you keep records of everything like emails and texts.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 22/05/2014 18:49

Be careful here...
What she will be saying next is that she wants to be there for the birth and will only bring your ex up if she can be there.
Put your foot down now. Your ex sounds like a weak little boy totally under his mummy's thumb.
Do this for you and your DC before it is too late

BeCool · 22/05/2014 18:53

YANBU. I wouldn't want her anywhere near me.

Tell you X she can't come. Leave it to him to sort out. Nip it in the bud now or I think her wanting to be involved at every step re baby will be a danger.

He's a grown up and it is his time to step up and deal with issues.

thebodylovesspring · 22/05/2014 18:58

magoria yes absolutely spot on.

Op please don't think I am mean I do to know you but I am so glad these fuckers live so far away from you.

If you were my dd I would be ripping him
A new one and telling racist cow bag mummy to shove her demands up her arse.

Where's your family in this?

qazxc · 22/05/2014 19:07

Tell him you do not want her there, not at the scan, not at the hospital. That if you clap eyes on her, you will be informing security to have her removed.
He can take the bus, she can wait in car/go for a coffee somewhere.
She gave up any moral rights when she was abusive to you, the mother of her grandchild.

HecatePropylaea · 22/05/2014 19:10

You should tell your ex that she cannot come and you have arranged for hospital security to attend, with instructions to remove her, including calling the police if she refuses. hospitals have a zero tolerance policy so any kicking off and they will sort her out.

I think it is vital that you are firm right from the start, lay out what you will and will not accept and what the consequences will be for overstepping - because I think this woman will cause a lot of trouble unless you take control.

Your ex, if unemployed, can save his jsa and get a ticket from that if he is bothered about the scan. If he chooses to not do that, then he clearly isn't willing to prioritise his child over other things. Although, tbh, he sounds like he is still a child himself, tied to mummy's apron strings.

Or just change the date, have the scan and email him a copy and tell him that since he can't break away from mummy dearest, he left you with no choice.

Chunderella · 22/05/2014 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeyN0nny · 22/05/2014 19:17

Tell her she's welcome - as long as you get to attend her smear test first.

I had to have an internal scan at the 20w with both DC - unusual, but there were problems with both of them. It's a medical procedure, not home movie night.

FWIW, I wouldn't put his name on the birth cert either. Make sure you give the baby your surname (and I'm serious, I'm married but didn't change my name and I have had to show birth certs, marriage cert etc in all sorts of situations to prove the DC are mine - at one point I was going to be flying abroad with DC without DH and he had to write a letter giving me permission. Annoying for us but could mean you never get to go on hols with your DC because your ex's mum prevents you, if baby has ex's name).

Buttercup27 · 22/05/2014 19:19

Don't panic I'm sure you're only allowed 1 person to support you as it's a medical procedure. Also you are fully allowed to throw a major tantrum and blame pregnancy hormones!

starlight1234 · 22/05/2014 19:19

Op

What an awful family.

I agree change the date also get it put on hospital records to protect any information getting out.

Also you do need to put 2 people first you and the baby. You need to be very firm. Withdraw the invitation and make it clear why.

You need to be very clear now as it will get worse.

I am afraid I really don't see this man standing up supporting his child.

Do not give him a penny for anything .You need your money for the baby.

Do you have much support around you?

MimiSunshine · 22/05/2014 19:23

You have to be strong for your child from this point on until forever. Email him back and say you don't wish to tell his mother where she can and can't travel to. However she will not be attending the scan as that is completely your choice therefore he is still welcome but his mother will be refused entry and the hospital security will ensure it.

Do not get sucked into "this isn't fair on me" from your ex. You have been completely fair and its his mother trying to keep him away.

Do you really want someone likely to turn on your child with racist remarks as soon as they do something she doesn't like anywhere near them?

Your body, your baby, your rules

Glitterfeet · 22/05/2014 19:57

YaNbu it's a medical abnormality scan, not a meet n greet photo session.

What's the hospital policy on extra people? We were told to avoid bringing children and extra people. There's not much space in the actual room, in the waiting room there could well be people going back for repeat scans or waiting for an amino.

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