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Original poster

To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

183 replies

92littlecat92 · 22/05/2014 14:03

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 22/05/2014 15:51

If they won't back down then BristolRover's suggestion is a good back-up plan - but I'd phone your ex back and tell him it's just not worth it if she's going to be there so he can stay away as well, thanks.

gotnotimeforthat · 22/05/2014 15:51

No you wouldn't be unreasonable OP. if you don't want her there then that is your call. This child may be her grandchild but that doesn't give her any kid of legal right to gatecrash your scan.

Tell the hospital staff you do not want her there and they will not allow her in.

In the long run It may work in your favour if she comes along and harasses you to allow her in the room. Got a descent chance at getting an injunction out on her then.

Viviennemary · 22/05/2014 15:51

You should choose who you want to be at your scan. Nobody else. Why a scan is seen as some sort of matinee performance to which everyone is entitled to a front row seat is beyond me.

DenzelWashington · 22/05/2014 15:53

Oh dear. He made the wrong decision.

Do not hesitate to tell the hospital your problem: she's abusive, you can't have her in there, you don't want to have to wait in the same space as her (I think this is important). Ex can still come in provided he does so alone.

You're going to have to keep her at bay, and now is a good time to start.

YouTheCat · 22/05/2014 15:53

He gets jobseekers and is living with his mum. If he can't manage to save the coach fare then stuff him.

Do not keep on paying for him. And don't let his vile mother within 20 miles of you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/05/2014 15:53

Phone the hospital and change the appointment time too - preferably the day as well?

'Why he gave it to his mum is beyond me' - because he's a weak twat, OP, and his mum controls him! No offence but this is what everyone - some of whom have been there, done this, got the t-shirt - are saying. IT DOESN'T CHANGE. THEY DON'T CHANGE.

You will have a far far nicer time with your baby if you cut them both off. Seriously.

Madamecastafiore · 22/05/2014 15:53

Just ring and ask them to change the date of your scan and do not tell him.

waterrat · 22/05/2014 15:54

OP I really think you need to start being strong and putting yourself and your baby first - please don't pay his fare. He has got time to find a way to get to see you - even if that means persuading his mum to give him the money without coming with him.

You don't have to actually enable him to be a father - you offer him an open door to be one, then he has to actually do the rest of the work!

Her behaviour is bullying and unkind, if you give in now, what if the same applies each time he wants to come and see his child? He needs to grow up and take responsibility if he wants to be a dad.

It's really really not appropriate that she attends, so you simply tell him that he is welcome and she is not. I think it's very bad advice to say let her come as far as the hospital, you do not want to be thinking about her at all on the day of your scan. I would also let go of any attachment to him being there - that is up to him.

OddBoots · 22/05/2014 15:55

I had to fight to allow two people to be allowed in to my scans (I was a surrogate and wanted both the parents there), one only is the default.

diddl · 22/05/2014 15:58

"why on earth he gave it to his mum is beyond me!"

Well presumably that was part & parcel of him asking for the money.

"He ahs reassured me that he will stand up for me if she does say or do anything unpleasant..."

Yeah right!!

And why is there even a possibility that she might at your scan?

If it's both or neither I think you know the answer...

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 22/05/2014 15:59

I don't think a hospital scan is the right place for ex to be standing up for you against his mother saying horrible things.

If he is going to stand up for you, he needs to have done it before.

In fact, if she has been texting horrible things and you have had to block her, he should have done it long ago.

redandchecker · 22/05/2014 15:59

He needs to be standing up to her now not on the day. You don't need that stress on the day.

thebodylovesspring · 22/05/2014 16:01

Oh sweetheart really really be grateful that this tit of a man child and his stupid controlling mother are 100 miles away.

Do yourself and your child a favour and cut contact now. He's a weak, cheating sponge and a pathetic excuse for a bloke and she sounds like she has control of him and now wants control of you and the baby.

Anyone can provide sperm, doesn't make them
A father. He will let you down again and again, never get a job and sponge off you until you put your foot down. I bet he hopes you will pay the coach fair. Useless prick!!

Let them fester together and you build a fresh new life for you and your baby.

Please don't let the fear of coping alone stop you from moving forward and away from these losers.

captainmummy · 22/05/2014 16:06

Is it reasonable of you? To request that the scan of YOUR body be done in private?
Yes.
Be prepared for her to want to be with you in labour.
And for every thing to do with your child in future.
She is a controlling NARC and I'd be tempted to cut contact with the lot of them.

IDontDoIroning · 22/05/2014 16:06

Can you change the appointment ?

AMumInScotland · 22/05/2014 16:06

The biological fact that it is her grandchild doesn't give her any rights over you or the baby.

I would tell him that she is most definitely not invited, and that she will not be coming into the scan with you. You can't stop her getting on the bus with him if she chooses, but you don't have to have anything to do with her.

And you have no responsibility for him financially - it is good that you want your child to have the chance of a relationship with its father, but your responsibility ends at inviting him to be involved. How he has to arrange that, practically and financially is his problem. He is an adult. He's going to be a parent. Time for him to step up and stop acting like everyone else has to look after him.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/05/2014 16:08

What a ridiculous situation. Just say if he can't come without mummy he can't come at all.

ChasedByBees · 22/05/2014 16:09

You have the absolute right to refuse that anyone is barred from your medical appointment - note this goes for labour too.

In fact, especially for labour. There are lots of stories here about unwanted MILs or DMs trying to gatecrash delivery too, so prepare yourself. This is your body - you say who is there and who isn't.

thebodylovesspring · 22/05/2014 16:10

Or in a nutshell op keep that 100 mile distance and forget them.

If he wants to step up to be a dad this is his chance to prove it. He gets the coach, alone.

He will have job seekers allowance and he could if he wanted to.

If he can't do this then your baby deserves a better dad.

ChasedByBees · 22/05/2014 16:10

That first sentence makes no sense but I'm sure you get what I mean.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 22/05/2014 16:17

You need to set boundaries now. This will only get worse otherwise. And I wouldn't be underhand about it either and 'change your mind' at the last moment. Tell her no. If she won't pay the coach fare for her own son unless she's invited, she will be more of a nightmare in your child's life than your (cheating) ex will be beneficial.

What kind of mother would exclude her son just because she was told not to attend?

Seriously - get those boundaries in place now.

And congratulations on your pregnancy.

MommyBird · 22/05/2014 16:31

Oh Op :(

I know from experience this will get worse when your baby gets here. Save all texts, emails and whatever else just incase of any Police/Court involvment.

'Its her Grandchild' - She thinks she is on par with you as a parent and thinks its fine to turn up to a scan that she hasn't been invited to and ignore your wishes when you say she isn't welcome.

Your ex is use to her behaviour and see's it as 'its just the day she is' please becareful and stand your ground.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

TitusFlavius · 22/05/2014 16:46

Oh, littlecat, it's absolutely your right to have her involved as much or as little as you want. She has no right at all to come barging into your pregnancy.

I'd second the others who've said keep the emails and texts in case of future trouble, and notify the hospital ahead of time that there will be someone there who you don't want interfering.

Is it possible to just change the date and take a friend instead?

Gen35 · 22/05/2014 16:50

Do you have other support you can rely on op? He's a weak tw*t and she's a nasty person - none of our 4 parents would dream of insisting they were at the scan. You need to tell her that any contact she has with the baby is on your terms, she has no automatic rights and if this is an example of what you can expect, she can expect very limited contact. You've got to get her to understand you say what's acceptable.

wigglesrock · 22/05/2014 16:53

He cheats on you when you're pregnant
He moved 100 miles away
He gives medical info to his mum when he knows that she verbally attacks you
He stands by while she makes racist comments to you & him

You don't need this man, as a friend, a partner & as it stands a piss poor father.

Change the scan date, she will turn up even if she says she won't.
Go to the scan alone, with a friend, family member. Send him up a couple of photos. Start planning you & your baby's life. See what your ex partner comes up with re solutions, plans, visiting arrangements himself. See if you're comfortable with them, then talk to him.

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