To not want ex's mother at my 20 week scan?

[92littlecat92]

My ex left me after cheating when I was 3.5 months. Despite this I want to remain friends with him and do what I can to make things easy for him and our child to have a relationship even though he now lives over 100 miles away, with his mother. We are getting on VERY well considering how recently we have split up and are keen to keep an amicable relationship. I have invited him to come to the 20 week scan and he wants to.

However, as ex is unemployed (when we were together he lived with me and I covered his living costs) his mother is being controlling about money. She is saying she will only give him the coach fair to come to the scan if she can come to. I really do not want her there - I feel like having her there would spoil what is supposed to be something lovely.

For the nearly three years I was with her son this woman lied about me to her own, constantly belittled me and often made racist comments about me both to my face and to my then partner. When I split up with her son, she turned up to collect him form my house and shouted abuse at me in front of neighbours. She has also since sent me nasty messages but I have now blocked her mobile number.

I don't want ex to miss out on seeing the scan, but the thought of having his mother there too is making me very nervous. Would I be unreasonable to tell him that HE is welcome but that she is not?

I'd be tempted to unblock her just for the purpose of gathering more evidence of her nastiness. Then block her. She could use the fact you blocked her after 1 email against you.

Don't communicate with her at all.

This is nothing to do with her.

It is between you and your ex. Send him a text telling him his mother's emails and demands are unwanted and for her not to contact you again.

I would suggest looking into a private midwife or a doula, there are free services in the NW called 121 midwives, maybe there is something similar where you are?

They will be your advocate, birth partner, and keep out the riff raff! Might be very useful throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby.

And please please don't give the child his surname. Don't make your life harder than it will already be with these two toxic people in it.

Are you kind of hoping to get back together with this loser? Is that why you're so keen to have him on board, give the baby his name etc.?

Bear in mind that if you do get back together, you'll have far more interference from his oh-so-lovely mother.

Cut your losses, seriously.

So she is "real" family but you're not. .
Do not let this woman bully you!
I'd have a chat with your ex about her treatment of you, he needs to grow up and tell her to wind her neck in and if she doesn't cut the apron strings.
Do you have any RL support?

Well done for changing scan time.

You should tell your ex that she cannot come and you have arranged for hospital security to attend, with instructions to remove her, including calling the police if she refuses. hospitals have a zero tolerance policy so any kicking off and they will sort her out.

^ this. Just do this. Or even better tell her directly then tell her to get fucked.

Well done on changing the time.

There is no such thing as internet anonymity, so make sure you brief your midwife about your family situation just in case by some extraordinary coincidence she knows more than just your email address.

Good luck. Hopefully it will get better when she realises you are not for turning.

Take the advice of many, many women I have read about on here and DON'T give the baby his surname. Put his surname in with the middle names, yes. BUT DON'T DON'T DON'T give his name as a surname.

There are lots of good reasons for this.

If the baby has his surname, you can't change it without his permission. You might think you don't want to... But what if, three years down the line, he and his mother are giving you hell, plus you've met a lovely guy, are planning to get married, and you're expecting another baby? You could end up with a family where you all have one surname apart from your first baby. Nothing you could do about it.

They could also use the surname issue to cause problems for you. It's a great way to control you - if the baby has a different surname to you, you will have to carry a letter with permission to go abroad from your ex. Schools, doctors...everything official will be connected with his name. It may really, really end up not being what you want. But once his name is there, thats it. You can't change it without his say-so.

If you give the baby YOUR surname, control stays with you. And if, three years down the line, you and he are getting on well, co parenting, and his mother knows not to mess with you and is being supportive, you could choose to add your ex's surname then. Or, your child could make that decision when older.

But mainly, give the baby your surname because as a single mother, it will be YOU doing the work. You living with the baby, registering with schools and doctors. Your child may end up not even seeing this man, but will be stuck having a different name to his/her mum.

You are going to be the family your baby knows and lives with. Give him/her the security of having the same name as you.

If you pay his fare then he will not only expect it in future, but if you ever decide to stop then it will be you preventing him seeing his baby.

The fact that he thinks it would be acceptable have his mother there given her treatment of you says a lot about his judgement.

Megabus really isn't that expensive.

This guy is not supporting you in any way whatsoever.

I agree with the others don't put his name on the birth certificate or give a double barrelled name.

In what way are things been amicable between you and your Ex.

Doesn't sound like this guy has done much for you cheated on you, lived off you and now won't stand up for you to his mum, and doesn't sound like he has a plan to financially support the baby..

Honestly take a step back, reduce contact with him . Update him about the baby but nothing else to give yourself time to get yourself together because you are going to be the one raising this baby and fighting MIL away

I can't add to the already excellent advice you've had but just wanted to say I feel so much for you that you're having such rotten luck and stress at what should be such a special time

I would unblock her, but set your e-mails so anything from her goes in a folder marked "batshit crazy woman" or something similar, so that they don't go into your main inbox, but you have them should you need the evidence later on.

I'd not give his surname or his name onthe birth certificate - both can be changed in the first year, plenty of time to see if he's going to be a good part of your DC's life...

Say yes, then when she gets there tell the doctors you don't want her in there. Legally, she'll have to wait outside and receive a picture.

You need to do everything to get this racist bitch out of your life.

She has poisoned everything, she will start on your child too.

Congratulations by the way

Ok, I RTFT.

Yeah, I'd avoid her as much as possible. Stop contact. Her son can come get contact and visitation rights when he gets around to it.

But as it stands, grandparents have zero rights to their grandchildren. I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate so that she can't have any pull to see your baby.

OP is it the saying that 'all children need a father' that is getting you on this hiding to nowhere even before your child is born? Seriously, you think that a life of ridiculous and stressful drama is the way forward for your child? Racism, squabbling over names, deadbeat who lives with his mother, spending money on paying his bus fares instead of putting all your money towards your baby...

Because when they say children need fathers, this is not actually what it means. It doesn't mean that as a mother you have to plan an unhappy and unsafe life for your child. Please make the right choices now and save yourself and your child a lifetime of misery. Look, you should have a happy and calm pregnancy, and instead you are running interference regarding his ridiculous mother and receiving hostile emails from her. Are you choosing this disastrous path because you think this guy will be the 'father', is that it? Children DO need a father, but this is not it unfortunately. This is just not it.

Having a stable, peaceful, happy home is more important than the number of parents. Creating an unstable home just so there can be two parents (one bringing up the child and the other 100 miles away in his mother's basement causing trouble) is not the way forward.

Have you checked with the hospital, our hospital letter states due to space restrictions only one other person can attend the scan.

I know that wont stop her sitting in the waiting room, but it would stop her coming into the actual scan

Please please listen to the good advice on this thread. There are far bigger issues here than whether or not she's at the scan. The thought of someone (anyone, let alone someone this hateful) taking my baby 100 miles away from me in the first few months (or years to be honest) almost gives me a panic attack. When this baby arrives you canNOT have someone trying to take control of your child. You are never going to having a loving, familial relationship with this woman, therefore she can never be a trusted grandparent/mil. She will coerce her weak son into demanding periods of access with your baby and she will not want you to be present. Therefore you will separated from your baby against your wishes. Even an hour of unwilling separation early on feels like agony. Believe me. I'm sorry if this sounds overly dramatic. It isn't.

Without putting him on the BC and without giving baby his surname you can protect yourself and little one. You can also protect yourself and little one by standing up to him, being firm and saying "No. No. No." Give up on the idea of helping him to be a father and let him do it for himself (which he will if he is truly committed to his child)

Distance yourself from them as much as possible and reach out to your other friends/family instead, or start making new ones at mummy and baby groups. Enjoy your lovely bundle on your own terms!! I wish you so much luck and I'm sorry this man and his mother have treated you this way x

Read the thread and Wow!, she's a cow.

Good news on changing the date. You definitely need to cut contact with this woman

I agree, you need to take a step back from the mum and the ex p, they both are useless and horrible in different ways. He cheated on you and has no ability to offer support or stand up to his mum. I'd go to the CAB and investigate legally what putting him on the birth certificate means in terms of his rights and have a good think. Why would you give your baby his name? He's a sperm donor and a hindrance.

So he doesn't have some CDs he could sell on Ebay to raise the money for the coach fare to go to his baby's scan? He is 23 and about to be a father, but if his mum doesn't give him the money and come along too, he can't go?

I don't even have the words to say how utterly pathetic I think he is.

Also, your uterus is not a private cinema, and a scan is not a film premiere. If you don't want her there at your scan! then she doesn't get to go in. It really is that simple. Even if she finds out that your appointment has changed (she might only need to ring and casually double check 'her' appointment time), the staff are not going to let her in if you tell them not to. Her threats are utterly hollow. End of!

Thank you everyone for your support and reassurance - I'm going to be having a baby girl :D