School problem or pushy parent problem? You decide...

[Isityouorme58]

So my dd is good on the piano.
There is 1 whole school concert per year.
Last year a parent complained that it was unfair on the other dc as my dd was too advanced.

The schools response to this was to attempt to drop my dd from the programme, thus stopping her from the only concert opportunity the school provides

Needless to say I went to see the head who I asked...

Who's in charge here you or pushy parents?
How do I explain to my dd that hard work and extra effort on her part doesn't reward?
How can I trust you to be fair?
Do I have to be in here every week like others?

My dd did play in the concert & the school did provide her with a couple of other opportunities for her to showcase her talents, which I appreciated.

Now here's the problem,

My dd is limited to no more than 1min 30 seconds every concert as are everyone else.. Several dont follow this rule & really do what they want.
I haven't complained about this, but have always followed the rules.

However my dd informed me that there was a musical assembly this morning that was news to us & not in the schedule or newsletter.
Several dc in her yr group played piano & one dc played no less tha 5 seperate violin pieces.

I am fucking raging at the unfairness.
I have been considering changing my dd school all year & tonight I've filled in the paperwork for notification.

Am I insane & seriously overreacting?

www.inspiringmusic.co.uk/music-lessons-in-dunstable/

Sorry I gave you the wrong link

Trying to get your daughter dropped from the concert was awful.

If she's not bothered about the assembly then I would leave it tbh.

You've no idea how/why the others were chosen & your daughter wasn't the only one who didn't play.

Is there no school orchestra that performs every assembly?

Seriously pushy parent. Why not send your dd to stage school if "showcasing her talent" (really???) is so important to you?

Floggingmolly That is uncalled for.

Children love the opportunity to perform. I feel that all children should be given an opportunity to show what they can do to their dotty loving parents.

School music is hard for any child with an ounce of ablity. Ds pissed of his music teacher as he doesn't want to be in the male voice choir. The teacher wanted him to sing tenor inspite of being a boy soprano. He was not allowed to join the selective girls choir as his voice will break.

I feel you need to look outside school for musical opportunities.

I can so sympathise! Similar thing happened on Sports Day last year (huge day, v competitive, etc., etc. but thoroughly enjoyed by everyone).
The pupils were restricted to two races each (which they could choose) and this was strictly adhered to. Except in the case of one child who is outstandingly good at athletics - the mother complained and said that as one (v long) race had taken place the day before, she was entitled to run two on the Sports Day. The school capitulated (she was the only one who did this) and she ran in my daughter's race - my DD would have won - were it not for the girl being allowed to run the extra race. Of course I was fuming at the injustice, not only did she prevent my DD from winning but it was hardly a fair match! I decided not to say anything though I was bloody tempted, and I'm damn sure I earned some more respect from the school because of it.

I really would let the assembly thing go - it sounds to me like it was an opportunity for some less able children to perform so I'm not surprised your DD wasn't included. Just back and bask in the reflected glory when she does perform :) But as for the school trying to cut down her performance time and exclude her - that's outrageous. She should be treated as equally as the others. Unfortunately some parents can be a complete fucking jealous nightmare.........

J

I suppose that's my problem, I don't want special treatment, I just want fair- to give others extra time & cut dd down is outrageous.

maryz

That's not how I read it but if its how you meant it & apoligies.

And yes, I am quite regularly a bit of an arse.

It is difficult when a talented child misses out, however I treat it has a learning curve, my ds was heart broken when he wasn't picked for the inter school football competition has he is the next messi very talented, I explained that other children also wanted to take part and he should cheer them on regardless, after a lot of huffing and puffing he understood that out of 20 odd kids he couldn't always be picked!

Funnily enough when it's a competition against other schools his name is first on the list even though he's only year 4!

Teachers are damned if they do and damned if they don't!

I do think you are being unreasonable to expect more in your daughter's current circumstances, however Grade 8 at just 10 years old is certainly a significant achievement. Given that and the fact that you have already opted to pay for private education, I don't really understand why ... feeling as you do ... you hadn't chosen to send your daughter to one of the independent schools which have a significant and special emphasis on music.

I think there are a good half dozen or so up and down the country, many of which could take her through to the age of 18, and in these schools music will not be seen as an extra, but actually will constitute a significant proportion of the regular curriculum and performance will be a required part of that.

My (second or third) cousin did this with her eldest dd. Because of distance, they chose a boarding school (which their dd loved). Their daughter even managed to win a scholarship and she wasn't nearly as advanced as your child ... I don't think she did Grade 8 piano until age 12 or 13 (though I think she did have a second instrument).

I think it sounds as if your daughter's current school is already giving her a fair share of opportunity and that it's unreasonable to expect significantly more from that school. It may therefore be that she has simply outgrown the school and that time has come to chose whether she would like to move on to a specialist environment, or whether she would prefer to stay in the all-rounder situation in which she is happy for the moment.

I dont think it is worth moving your child over this. I'm guessing she does the graded piano exams and gets recognition that way?

I can see why you werent happy about the school concert issue, but the school assembly point is pretty minor. If she is settled, has made friends and is achieving at the school, it seems somewhat over the top to move her because (in your opinion) they don't have enough opportunity to show case her talents. If she's 10, I'm guessing she's moving to secondary school next year anyway?

Grade 8 is roughly equivalent to an A level.

Bugger school concerts op, get her learning another instrument (or two) while she has time to practice and get looking for a music school for her. Orchestral instruments would be great as she can then do Saturday orchestra and it will open used lots of opportunities to play. Playing as part of a larger group will improve her musicality loads.

Assuming she is doing ABRSM exams then she must already have grade 5 theory - it may be worth looking into doing higher theory grades. It will really help her playing.

You should be seriously proud of her. I can't wait to see her on young musician of the year!

At the risk of sounding like an absolute twat (though I do have a point I swear) and outing myself to some people who read this forum...

I am musically talented as well. I taught myself (and was taught) several instruments and throughout school played woodwind and brass, as well as singing. I'm also artistic and did quite well in competitions for music and art.

My parents NEVER pushed me to do stuff I didn't want to do. They encouraged but I have to admit you're sounding quite pushy. If she was bothered, THEN you have her back. If she's not bothered, then don't nag.

I didn't really perform at school at all individually, except at band. I'm from a small town where it just wasn't possible. I was also a member of the town band, I attended a state band thing. I went to "band camp" where we learned theory of music etc.

I think you need to ask yourself, why does she need to play in front of her school? Why specifically her school? Do you feel like she is somehow proving something for you that you have this amazing daughter who plays piano really well and that you're the best mother ever?

Ask her music teacher if there are outside school opportunities for her (if that's what SHE wants to do). Can she do Christmas concerts? Maybe speak to the school about different age groups doing concerts at different times or something?

You do need to think about these other kids and how your daughter appears to them (and their parents). Everyone feels less special, less important. Kids who are trying to learn but who aren't as advanced get down that they're not as good and give up (some do the opposite and the need to be bigger and better consumes them). Teachers go out of their way to make them even MORE special than they already are...

I'm not saying your daughter shouldn't be encouraged, but she doesn't HAVE to be #1 every time. She doesn't need to play every time there's a music concert (although once a year would be nice). She needs to feel secure in herself to not need to show off every time there's an opportunity to do so. There are going to be many more avenues for her for the rest of her life, making her school life more difficult (by being a pushy mum) isn't necessary. Making it into a competition (why are THEY playing when she's not?) could push her away from wanting to perform. Let her guide herself, with encouragement from you, not pressure to perform.

Wow my Mum used to teach piano.... and to her dismay I only ever reached grade 5. She read an article recently about an academy that had 2 children taking grade 8 at age 12 and 13. She is convinced that if your dd has indeed completed the Royal schools grade 8 she is a child prodigy!

Really have never heard of a 10 year old completing that. Wow.

"Really have never heard of a 10 year old completing that."

Is your mum a UK piano teacher, Only1scoop.

Think there is Edward Tomanek, UK, passed Grade 8 piano and Grade 8 Violin at age 7 and, also, Curtis Elton, UK, passed Grade 8 piano aged 8.

There may well be more at younger than 10 years.

Dish....indeed she was....retired about 20 years ago and is almost 80

She was amazed by the Op's daughter.

I think my grade 5 theory exam pushed me to the limit....and her

Ah, at 80 I think we can certainly excuse her for not being familiar with these more modern 'tiny' prodigies!

I have no idea how many young Grade 8'ers there were in 1994.

Ah Dish I know bless her.

A pupil who she still see's did Grade 8 at 15 ....and then was very frustrated at having to wait 3 years to do her Diploma....you had to be 18 then apparently. I bet that's all changed.

10 is so young to have completed all those grades and the theory....

I bet Op doesn't have to chase her dd around the house to do her piano practice

Like my mum did

Julian Lloyd Webber broke his cello bow over his knee to avoid practising as a child...

Wow ....Julian LW visited my school to play when I was 12....

About my only claim to fame

For what it's worth, this is my experience. I have 2 daughters, one talented at tennis, the other at singing and acting. I have been in your place with both of them. School excluding them, my sporty daughter not able to present her school at tennis because she is too 'good'. my other daughter also excluded in a similar way to yours.
As they get older, and begin to develop their talents, you will find that you will begin to by pass school events, because they become less important.
Your daughter sounds a talented girl. Consider looking at things outside of he school curriculum. My performing daughter enters music festivals. I think i saw some one mention it earlier. They are great experience, and useful to hear what the adjudicators say. They also serve to show kids that they can't always win, and that there are lots of other talented individuals out there too. Also consider things like National Youth Music Theatre. They require musicians for their productions. As she gets older and more confident, these type of experiences serve to show that the school scenario is not that important in the great scheme of things.
Try and look at the bigger picture, even though it may be difficult at the moment.

A 90 second solo in primary school would be sufficient for me to appreciate your offspring's talent. Accompanying the recorder group, the band or some string players of a lesser standard to make their pieces more enjoyable would really be impressing me.

I think the fact that your daughter is so much more advanced than other children of her age makes your reaction even more unreasonable, to be honest.

At that level, she has opportunities that other children of her age don't have. If you want to encourage her, you should be looking for musical activities outside school, or helping her to broaden her range with another instrument, or voice training.

Other children in the school may also be good musicians, but they will be very much in her shadow. The school will want to encourage them too, not perpetually put them up for comparison with a child on a whole different level. She's had opportunities, deliberately chosen for her by the school. She doesn't have to be involved in every single musical event the school hold.

I was musical, at a very musical school. I played three instruments, one to grade 8 level, and I sang in a highly-respected choir. There was a girl in my year who was phenomenally good - multiple instruments to grade 8, a flawless singing voice, perfect pitch, the lot. She didn't always get picked for every musical event, because everyone knew she was better than the rest of us, and she didn't need to keep demonstrating it. She went to other groups outside school, and was stretched and challenged that way.

We'd all have been thoroughly hacked off if we'd constantly had to follow in her shadow.

Wish my kids' school did this! We have completely the opposite-all music performances dominated by super duper high flyers who more often than not have parents who are music teachers performing mind blowing pieces. But the mere mortals amongst the kids who have only managed to get to grade 5 by aged 10 don't get a look in. Same goes for sports teams-promises at the beginning of terms that everyone will get fielded in a team but when it comes down to it, it doesn't happen. Prizegiving goes a similar way-multiple prizes won by 3 or 4 kids-even those chosen by teachers as opposed to achieved by work etc. Has become a bit of a standing joke amongst our circle of friends who are also parents there. Don't really know which is the better situation-our school is a reflection of real life I guess-the very best and most talented people get the awards-if the kids work hard or have the talent they get the glory. Your school sounds like it is letting everyone have a go, and if your daughter has been "showcased" then they are aware of her brilliance on the piano. Maybe the school concert is deemed a bit beneath her ability?

Can you focus your rage in a constructive way? Find another way that all music students can perform for more than 2min/year (how ridicilous, two rounds of mary had a little lamb would take 2 min!).

Our school has a weekend afternoon tea, sunday afternoon - any music student can nominate themselves and a piece they would like to play. Every child who puts themselves forward will play, and parents mingle, drink tea and the music is played in a very informal way. It is really lovely, and because not all the parents are seated, waiting, watching the very shy perfomers seem to find it less intimidating.

Or perhaps if your school has a fair students can be invited to play (I realise piano might not be portable, not sure how your DD would react to a keyboard performance?!!).

Or a new students day, when prospective parents come, they could invite students to play as parents come around, during a morning tea etc.

Our school also has a talent show for kids at lunchtime (no parents), mostly crap magic tricks, jokes and dance routines made in the playground, but she could raise the standard (considerably in the case of our school!).

Think what performance platforms would be possible in the school, preferrably something already running that could benefit from a musical adjunct.