School problem or pushy parent problem? You decide...

[Isityouorme58]

So my dd is good on the piano.
There is 1 whole school concert per year.
Last year a parent complained that it was unfair on the other dc as my dd was too advanced.

The schools response to this was to attempt to drop my dd from the programme, thus stopping her from the only concert opportunity the school provides

Needless to say I went to see the head who I asked...

Who's in charge here you or pushy parents?
How do I explain to my dd that hard work and extra effort on her part doesn't reward?
How can I trust you to be fair?
Do I have to be in here every week like others?

My dd did play in the concert & the school did provide her with a couple of other opportunities for her to showcase her talents, which I appreciated.

Now here's the problem,

My dd is limited to no more than 1min 30 seconds every concert as are everyone else.. Several dont follow this rule & really do what they want.
I haven't complained about this, but have always followed the rules.

However my dd informed me that there was a musical assembly this morning that was news to us & not in the schedule or newsletter.
Several dc in her yr group played piano & one dc played no less tha 5 seperate violin pieces.

I am fucking raging at the unfairness.
I have been considering changing my dd school all year & tonight I've filled in the paperwork for notification.

Am I insane & seriously overreacting?

This is bonkers on the school's part. If someone was good at running, would you tell them to slow down in the race?
If someone was good at reading, would you give them one line in the school play?
If someone was good at Maths would you give them easier work so they were the same as the rest of the class?
It's nonsense. Your dd has a talent that should be nurtured and shown off. All they're doing is allowing petty minded people to feel better. I wouldn't change school if dd is happy, but I would write to the Head and the Chair of Governors, explaining your stance.

No I disagree celia , those aren't equivalents because the children aren't actually in competition, or shouldn't be. This isn't a music competition.

The OP was originally basically saying that every time there was a musical opportunity at school her daughter should get to take part because she was the best. (she's since taken that back).

I disagree. I think a school should be encouraging all kids, especially in a situation like this where lots of kids, at the OP's daughter's age, will have just started out on their chosen instruments: pianists/violinists often are relatively good for their age simply because they are instruments you can start young (if you have sufficiently pushy parents).

Its not either/or . Its about not creating an unnecessary culture of competition around music.

"What I mean is that I enjoy hearing a new pianist stumble through "merrily we roll along" (with frequent pauses to find the right key) just as much as I enjoy hearing Elvira the child prodigy playing Flight of the Bumblebee."

I totally agree with this! But not this:

" Because they are both kids, and the thing that makes music enjoyable for me just isn't a quality that most kids have developed yet."

Actually I think the musicality of a musical child can shine through their technical limitations and make the performance very beautiful in its own way.

Sadly, Elvira the grade 7-er is likely to be playing something long, boring and difficult at the top of her technical ability, which totally fails to communicate that musicality. She probably has some grade 5 pieces in he portfolio that she isn't interested in "showcasing" which she could actually make a really decent performance of, that feels like music.

I love musical children playing music and I really, really love youth orchestras. It sounds like music!

sunshinecity17
how would you feel if your dc's school did do a special gymnastics event but your dd was excluded?

unexpected
My dd is grade 8.
Neither my dh or i play an instrument and I was initially very worried about her taking it up as I cannot help her.
2 weeks before the school play her teacher ( not the music teacher, class teacher who really supports her), came up to her and gave her 7 pages of music to learn and play with an accompanied choir, something she had never done before. She missed everything and worked her ass off and was brilliant. Without ANY help from the music teacher at school or a lesson in-between...all on her own.

doris
My dd is 10.

maryz

Fuck off.
Your contribution to this thread is 0.

Grade 8 at 10 is an achievement.

But as I said above, is it her only instrument?

I don't think school is really the best place for showcasing such a kid and I don't think its especially reasonable to expect them to. I think there are other venues for that. I am a bit confused as to why it would be. Does her piano teacher not do concerts? All the piano teachers I know do because of how hard it is to get playing experience for a pianist.

My experience is that good pianists do very often have an additional, "fun" instrumental instrument as well to give them the playing in groups experience and that's a win all around.

I just wrote loads and lost it.....grrr

The problem is..i think,

The parent who complained about my dd complained to the music director, she agreed and told my dc's piano teacher that she wouldn't be allowed to play at the school music concert, ( the only one ). My dc's teacher "fought" for her and they allowed dd to play as long as she played a less challenging piece.

I fucking kid you not.

I went to the head, they let her play but limited her to 90 seconds or 2 minutes...can't remember.

The head arranged for my dd to play at an important event that year and just recently dc's class teacher gave her a lovely opportunity in the school concert.

My problem is the music department, they arrange this assembly don't invite dd and allow the chosen people much more time. I feel like dd isn't being helped or supported by the school music department they have done nothing to encourage her.

the piano teacher i use is from the school and comes in to teach a selection of children every monday.
Dd has 1 one hour lesson per week and no musical knowledge at home and has accomplished all this but they can't fucking let her 5 minutes??

She wouldn't even have been in the yearly show if i hadn't intervened.

I am still reading your comments and trying to come to an idea in my head if i should proceed or not.
Should I contact the school?

I feel an injustice and I'm bubbling away, but react in haste..etc

My dd said she's "embarrassed" that i'm so obviously upset. She is obviously much more developed at 10 than I am now

She doesn't play another instrument, she did take up cello for a while...but that's another story.
I have found a saturday music school that she wants to go to, so i am exploring options to get her better support.

However I am still pissed at the school.

I am going back to work so i may not read these for a while.

However let me be clear, I am not hiding out of shame.

I have had similar issues with our school's music department.
So blatant, that several parents asked me why DD hadn't been in the recent concert when other children (less talented) did 5 or 6 pieces. DH also noticed in the previous concert that DD did 2 verses of a short song while other children did very very long songs, considerably less well...

I suspect the reason is DD gets additional lessons outside school and they did a blast off that it wasn't allowed, wasn't advisable etc. DH concluded the school just played at providing musical education and was just showcasing the same children whose parents made the biggest fuss and were not helping DD at all.

We dropped all school music lessons and now pursue lessons and performances outside school.

I would have been similarly pissed off at what happened like you are. There is a parent who told us he only turns up to school concerts to listen to DD.

We complained to the head most forcefully and they did listen, but we still don't use the school music department.

You dont sound pushy at all...no

If your DD is that good and advanced what other outlets have you explored for her talents to perform outside of the school?

You people take school events too seriously.

I think YABU to be honest. It's not a stage school or a musical school, it's a regular school who do not plan performances at the Albert Hall.

We have had threads on MN recently about kids who are not getting picked for parts in plays because the same old kids get chosen every time...the replies are either that's life (which personally I agree with) or it's unfair, everyone should get a chance so speak to the school.

If your DD is getting picked every time then yes, people are going to moan.

I am sure you are really proud of her, and so you should be, but then maybe you need to think about her joining a musical society or something where she can showcase her wonderful talent and for more than 90 seconds too, and without other people moaning about it.

I haven't read the replies though so am sure someone has already suggested this option.

I would look outside school for local music festivals etc where she can show off her talents and get feedback. If you have a local music club with classes perhaps she could also take up a second instrument?

I can understand your frustration but as she will be leaving primary school (year 5?) next year, I don't think it is worth the disruption of moving her. Thinking back to my own DDs school there was a lad who was exceptional on violin and all parents were very happy to listen to him as well as their own kids beginner performances. Treat it as their problem not yours.

I agree dog!

Isityouorme58
I think its understandable that you are upset. Your daughter is gifted at music and the school should be looking to support her. My son is talented at sinigng and his schools have both given him ample opportunities to sing solos. They have events for both emerging musicians and proficent musicans. Children also had the opportunity to play in assemblies.

Being a proficent musican is blood sweat and tears. I am shocked that a private school does not have more opportunity for children to showcase their talents in general. Most state schools have several events a year. Its good for other children to have the opportunity to listen to a really talented musican. However it might undermine the confidence of a beginner if they are in the same concert.

I feel it would be a mistake to move your child. Year 6 is a really bad time to start a new school.

I tell you, the thing I loved most about primary school assembles, concerts or whatever was sitting there watching DS who used to spend most of his time waving at me, giving me the thumbs up or yawning! Those are my memories which make me smile :)

My dd said she's "embarrassed" that i'm so obviously upset

Take the hint.

www.federationoffestivals.org.uk/festivals-a-z/

OP, I can sympathise as my dds primary rarely had any music opportunities as only my dd and a couple of others played any music at all.
I think it is hard with piano as well, as you can't just join an orchestra.
I would stick it out at school until secondary and look for opportunities through your music service.
There are 2 dc at my dds groups who play piano who have nowhere to go now either because they are gr8 or too young to join groups.
One is gr8 at 8, the other is gr6 at 6.
Short of specialised education there is nothing for them.
You could also do what we did and take her out of school completely and H.ed, then you can take any opportunity that comes along irrespective of school.
Is this something your dd wants to do as her vocation, or is it for fun?
I think your decision should reston what your dd wants to do.

Grade 8 at 10 is v impressive, more than just good on the piano. It probably does cause a problem for the school as everyone else frankly will look shit next to here, even if they've massively improved or worked really hard.

So you've acknowledged you've been unreasonable...

Your DD sounds seriously musical - Saturday music club and another instrument are the way to go here. School is always going to be a bit dull for her musically speaking as she is always going to be way better than everyone else. I'd suggest you ignore school and start finding alternative outlets for her musicality to develop.

OP, get her together with kids of the same musical ability.

I would find her another instrument to play in a group: orchestra, band, etc. Piano is a lonely instrument with very few opportunities to perform. Certainly at primary school and at grade 8.

My dc's primary school was very good at treating them all the same. Ignoring that every child has a talent and they are not all the same.

The dc know this, have had outside school music things since they were 10 and didn't even volunteer to take part in the school's performances.
(DS didn't have a part in his end of year musical production even though he already was in a professional choir. There were some dc singing who clearly should not sing.)

The older dc's secondary schools are excellent at acknowledging talents, both dc have plenty of opportunity to perform. Ds is still with his choir (and plays the piano), dd (violin) with various orchestras, little folk groups etc.

I get the impression your dd's school doesn't know how to treat your clearly off the scale musical child.

Yes, you were a bit off, but you realised that. Nothing wrong with fighting for your dc. But in your case I think the school cannot do more.

okay so my daughter is good at acting but she was always left out of school plays so other children could act this was not because they didnt know how good she was because they acted in the classroom it was because they wanted to give the other children a boost fair enough so they give a part to the crippling shy girl and my daughter plays a reindeer cue fall apart by crippling shy girl followed by a reindeer feeding her lines and eventually taking over so did she get a part the following year? no she did not now she is in high school she is being given one of those doll things to take home because she has self esteem issues something to do with trying and trying and never being good enough perhaps?

op yanbu everyone should have a go if they want to no matter how bad or good

oh dear god almighty

Teachers cannot win

Why are some parents so irrational?

Either they are complaining that the same children get all the parts.
Or complaining that the same children DO NOT get all the parts.

and to consider pulling your child out of the school, a school she is happy at, because you are pissed off that she didnt get to play the piano in an assembly is amazing

Isit, from what you've said, it does sound like there's something of an issue with the music department/director, and that probably isn't going to change even if you contact the school. If it's a primary school then I would definitely say hold tight, investigate the Saturday music school and any other options, and get the opportunities you want for your DD that way. As she's happy at the school and a bit embarrassed by the fuss, it's probably best to let it lie as far as the school is concerned. She's only got just over a year left at the school and hopefully in a bigger secondary environment there'll be more opportunities.

You've said, though, that it's a fee-paying school - does that mean it's right the way through to end of secondary? Apologies if this is a daft question, I don't really understand the independent system! If it's an all-age school then you have to weigh up how frustrated you/DD will be if there's another eight years of potential aggro and hurt feelings ahead.

And if you can afford it, I wouldn't give up on the second instrument option just yet. Maybe the cello wasn't right for her. Try a wind instrument?

There are lots of second instruments that your child could learn. Does your country have any saturday morning music schools where your child can try out different instruments without the costs of individual lessons.

For example many counties have something like this

www.dunstablemusiccentre.co.uk/

I realise the standard would be far lower than what your daughter can do. It would expose her to a wide range of instruments and singing. She could decide which second instrument to take up seriously.