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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School problem or pushy parent problem? You decide...

152 replies

Isityouorme58 · 21/05/2014 21:00

So my dd is good on the piano.
There is 1 whole school concert per year.
Last year a parent complained that it was unfair on the other dc as my dd was too advanced.

The schools response to this was to attempt to drop my dd from the programme, thus stopping her from the only concert opportunity the school provides

Needless to say I went to see the head who I asked...

Who's in charge here you or pushy parents?
How do I explain to my dd that hard work and extra effort on her part doesn't reward?
How can I trust you to be fair?
Do I have to be in here every week like others?

My dd did play in the concert & the school did provide her with a couple of other opportunities for her to showcase her talents, which I appreciated.

Now here's the problem,

My dd is limited to no more than 1min 30 seconds every concert as are everyone else.. Several dont follow this rule & really do what they want.
I haven't complained about this, but have always followed the rules.

However my dd informed me that there was a musical assembly this morning that was news to us & not in the schedule or newsletter.
Several dc in her yr group played piano & one dc played no less tha 5 seperate violin pieces.

I am fucking raging at the unfairness.
I have been considering changing my dd school all year & tonight I've filled in the paperwork for notification.

Am I insane & seriously overreacting?

OP posts:

Jinsei · 21/05/2014 21:24

Yanbu about the concert, the school should not respond to pushy or jealous parents. There are two incredibly precocious and gifted musicians at my dd's primary school, clearly in a totally different league to all the others. My dd is not one of them . I love to hear these children play and I don't think it's discouraging to the other children at all. On the contrary, I think it's inspiring.

Having said that, I think YAB a bit U about the music assembly. It's just an assembly, and perhaps it isn't possible for all kids to perform on all occasions. You're probably a bit over-sensitive though because of the concert issue.

Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2014 21:24

And no in a good primary school ALL children get a chance to shine. However talented they are.
I would hope that they get the same chance if they are grade 1 or grade 8.
If you ( and your Dd) feel she wants more opportunities to 'showcase' her talent then you need to look for another outlet.
Playing in school is not really a showcase. It's not going to get her noticed by anyone accept other kids and parents. And many of them may just be thinking she is a bit of a show off.

Watercolourfootballs · 21/05/2014 21:25

Ok, since you asked, yes you have lost perspective.

How lovely that she is so talented and how lovely that you are so proud.

Now take a moment to wear everyone's moccasins.

How boring for everyone else to hear Isit's daughter again she plays everytime and yes she plays beautifully but the other children try very hard (even if admittedly they aren't very good) and how can they improve their confidence if they never get given a chance? Etc etc etc

Read the 6 million MN threads about why the same 3 kids always get chosen for the school play - it's probably because they are really good but this is school not real life and the teachers have to try to be fair.

Look out for out of school opportunities to perform, orchestras, children's showcases etc.

5OBalesofHay · 21/05/2014 21:25

Could she perform out if school? I kind of agree that the school stuff should be as inclusive and encouraging of everyone as possible. Sounds like your dd is a bit better, so find a bigger stage for her, and leave school to bring on the less talented

Original poster

Isityouorme58 · 21/05/2014 21:25

Ok- I think I'm going to wind my neck in.
Isn't amazing how things that sound rational appear completely bonkers when written down

It's not the Albert Hall but it feels like it to me.

OP posts:

Trillions · 21/05/2014 21:26

I would have sneakily stretched the 90 seconds a bit but really unless you can get DD a music scholarship to go elsewhere, in which case go for it, YABabitU. Doesn't her piano teacher provide opportunities for her to perform? If not, switch her to one that does. Are there any public music/talent competitions for young people in your area that she could enter?

Fairyliz · 21/05/2014 21:26

I work at a school, you pick the good ones the parents of the notso good children complain their child never gets a chance. You give all children a chance and the parents of the most talented complain.
Theres a theme here, parents always complain when their child doesnt get picked.
I leaving school early on Friday when the parts are announced for the end of term show!

Jinsei · 21/05/2014 21:28

You're sounding increasingly unreasonable, I'm afraid. She might be talented, but that doesn't mean she should get all of the opportunities. She should have equal opportunity with all of the others.

Purpleroxy · 21/05/2014 21:28

Is your dc going to be at the end of this school anyway next year?
Put up with it and hopefully it'll be better at secondary.

Watercolourfootballs · 21/05/2014 21:29

Aw bless Isit don't worry you just came over all tiger mummy for a minute. It'll wear off.

5OBalesofHay · 21/05/2014 21:29

And could your dd take a beginner under her wing and enjoy a spot of coaching, rather than being the performer? Could be great for both.

PeppermintInfusion · 21/05/2014 21:29

I was an advanced musical child in primary school and can see where you are coming from, however your daughter will have things going in beside music- does she like the school, have a good set of friends, other hobbies and is settled there and so on? If yes, I would let it go as she only has a year or 2 before moving on to high school anyway where there will be better opportunities in orchestras, music groups etc. If no, or if she is really advanced or very bored I would consider a school with more if an emphasis on music. Is there schools like that nearby? Could you leave her til the end of term and look into them rather than making a knee jerk decision?

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 21/05/2014 21:30

YANBU about the concert, it would have been really unfair for her to be the only one left out, but I think YABU about the assembly, if only a small number were performing then she probably wasn't the only one capable of performing who was left out.

And you say "why did she NOT get picked?" and that she's more advanced than the rest of the school. Maybe the teachers thought the other children needed the confidence boost more than she did?

wasacasa · 21/05/2014 21:30

"Showcase" is this really a word we are using to describe primary school concerts now? I think everyone has been watching too much Britain's Got Talent!

noblegiraffe · 21/05/2014 21:31

You're insane and seriously overreacting to be considering pulling your dd out of school when you don't even know why these other kids played in assembly. Maybe they're in a particular group, maybe they have worked hard, maybe it was something pulled together at the last minute. Maybe they won't get to play at the concert. Who knows.

You are far too involved in this.

bobberdobber · 21/05/2014 21:31

Wow! Just...wow.

Hate to break it to you but the only person who wants to listen to your daughter is you. None of the other parents will give a flying fuck. And they will only want to hear their offspring. I feel sorry for your headteacher who sounds like she is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It also sounds like your daughter has been given ample opportunities to perform Talented or not, there's nothing worse than the same kids being given a chance over everyone else over and over again.

You sound just as pushy, if not more so, than the parent who complained.

HauntedNoddyCar · 21/05/2014 21:31

Fair enough IsIt :) We're all madly proud of something our dc do but the trick is to remember we're all proud.

Jinsei · 21/05/2014 21:32

Ok- I think I'm going to wind my neck in.
Isn't amazing how things that sound rational appear completely bonkers when written down

It's not the Albert Hall but it feels like it to me.

X post. Really OP, I think you're getting this way out of proportion. It's amazing to watch your child excel at something, and naturally as a parent, you love it when they have a chance to shine, but ultimately, all of the other children deserve their time in the sun too.

KurriKurri · 21/05/2014 21:34

You are naturally enough seeing everything from your DD's viewpoint. If there are other children in the school who play and want to perform maybe today was their turn - they may have missed out on one of the occasions when your DD played. There could be all sorts of reasons you don't know about why violin child got a chance today.

I would look for occasions for your DD to perform out of school, - scout around and see what opportunities there are for youngsters interested in music in your area - there might be summer schools and stuff like that she would enjoy too.

In the bigger picture, missing the odd occasion to perform at 10yrs old is not going to blight her future, she'll very likely get more opportunities at secondary school, and if she is really keen on music she will find opportunities to perform if that's what she enjoys.

Without being harsh, unless a child is incredibly talented, it is still a child playing the piano, and usually after 90 secs a child playing the piano has delighted the audience for long enough.

Icimoi · 21/05/2014 21:36

Does she learn music outside school? Is it worth her going in for local music festival competitions?

Unexpected · 21/05/2014 21:37

How good is your dd on the piano? Is she really way in advance of whatever other musical instruments whatever other number of children are playing? Why should your dd have played in the assembly this morning over other children? Are you saying that she was the only child in her year group who plays a musical instrument who was not included today?

I hope you are not seriously considering changing your dc's school only on the basis that you don't think that she gets sufficient opportunity to showcase (bleurgh) her talents at music.

hoboken · 21/05/2014 21:40

How about concentrating on what she can do and supporting her as a musician rather than as a performer?

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/05/2014 21:42

Does every single individual child in your dd's school get the opportunity to showcase their 'talent' (no matter what that talent might be, or how hard it is for the school to find that talent) for at least 90 seconds "in the concert & with a couple of other opportunities"?

If the answer to that is 'No' then not only do I think you are being unreasonable, I also think your dd (and other 'showcasers') should take a step back for a couple of years, giving up their 90 second slots (and their "couple of other opportunities") until every single child in the entire school has had an equal number of opportunities as your dd has had, to at least have a go at something.

AICM · 21/05/2014 21:43

FYI no teacher in that school will want your DD in their class next year.

Original poster

Isityouorme58 · 21/05/2014 21:46

Every child that plays an instrument gets 90 seconds no matter what level they are at, that is why there is a time limit as there is sooo many.

I have never known of them to have an assembly where a handful of dc were chosen & given so much time.

OP posts:

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