School problem or pushy parent problem? You decide...

[Isityouorme58]

So my dd is good on the piano.
There is 1 whole school concert per year.
Last year a parent complained that it was unfair on the other dc as my dd was too advanced.

The schools response to this was to attempt to drop my dd from the programme, thus stopping her from the only concert opportunity the school provides

Needless to say I went to see the head who I asked...

Who's in charge here you or pushy parents?
How do I explain to my dd that hard work and extra effort on her part doesn't reward?
How can I trust you to be fair?
Do I have to be in here every week like others?

My dd did play in the concert & the school did provide her with a couple of other opportunities for her to showcase her talents, which I appreciated.

Now here's the problem,

My dd is limited to no more than 1min 30 seconds every concert as are everyone else.. Several dont follow this rule & really do what they want.
I haven't complained about this, but have always followed the rules.

However my dd informed me that there was a musical assembly this morning that was news to us & not in the schedule or newsletter.
Several dc in her yr group played piano & one dc played no less tha 5 seperate violin pieces.

I am fucking raging at the unfairness.
I have been considering changing my dd school all year & tonight I've filled in the paperwork for notification.

Am I insane & seriously overreacting?

Is she ready to accompany? Finding a group where she can accompany - a youth wind band, choir, etc is a fantastic way to get performance opportunities as well as improving her musical technique.

OP, you are coming across as just a little bit bonkers. Time to step back a bit. If your DD is happy at school, is it really fair to pull her out because she doesn't get to show off her talent at every opportunity?

What will you do when it happens at the next school - move her again?

"How could you possibly think its unfair not to be included in a concert if you don't play an instrument???"

Are the school concerts purely instrumental. No, song. No, dance. No, mime. Nothing.

That explains why they limit each child to 90 seconds. If each member of the audience weren't eagerly awaiting their own child's blink-or-you'll-miss-it-slot, they might have got bored and left!

On a more serious note, I went to a school concert a couple of years ago, where a deaf boy ... a 13 year old mime artist, backlit on an empty stage ... did a beautiful interpretation of a piece of music. How, I'm not sure, but it was so lovely and emotive that we all wished we were his pushy mum!

(Not that his mum was at all pushy, I'm sure, I had better say in case she's here )

To be more helpful than perhaps I was previously - my adult DD is a professional pianist. She also plays trumpet and was in a school and an inter school band while at secondary - this gave her the opportunity to make music with others - sometimes limited for pianists (and also was essential when she went on to do music at university as proficiency on two instruments was required)

While she was at school she played for local choirs - both adult and childrens choirs. She played accompaniment for other children playing violin/flute/whatever solos, she played organ for local churches, she played in local festivals, and she played for local care homes and old people's homes (my Mum is currently in a care home and the staff love offers of entertainment from people especially youngsters). So there are loads of ways your DD could find opportunities to perform and to support others who want to perform.

My DD was a good musician from a young age, - much 'better' in terms of advancement than other children at her primary school. But I didn't see that as giving her the right to perform and play over and above other children who were at a different stage in their learning but might equally enjoy the opportunity to play for an audience.

I have most certainly peaked.
Thank you trusty mums for helping me find my grip.

I'm giving myself a thorough shaking then I'll me change back & we will never talk of this madness again.

From the music teacher's view point! It is a nightmare organising concerts to be frank as you generally can't please everyone and normally someone ends up not happy, I do sometimes wonder why I bother, but since the majority love it, I do keep going with at least one a term if not two!
I suspect the assembly was done to try and confidence boost the other players who may well have been comparing themselves to your daughter and saying that they are no good, when actually they are but your daughter is exceptional. Giving them an opportunity to perform without your DD performing may have meant that they aren't comparing themselves to her or they think the audience are comparing them and give them a confidence boost.
However on the other hand, your DD should still be given opportunities to perform as well. Does she have lessons in school or outside school? Could she perform her exam pieces in an assembly for example? Lots of schools have music playing as the pupils come in? Could you ask for her to play instead? Being careful what you say and how you say it, I would carefully e.mail the head of music or the music co-ordinator and say that your daughter is lacking in confidence when performing and are there any ways in which they could support you in helping build her confidence? At 10, I was accompanying the school choir, are there simple hymns/songs in assemblies that she could accompany? Are there any other exceptional musicians who could get together? Does the local music service/hub offer anything that your daughter could attend?

There was a similar thread about a girl and her acting.

Am wondering if Daily Mail are doing an article again, it seems they get lots of "inspiration" from MN.

But seriously, OP you sound overinvested in your child. Time to step back a bit?

Definitely sounds like the pushy parents are in charge given that the head changed the concert on your say so...

YABVU
School is there for everybody to learn and have somewhat equal opportunity. Its not a personal show-off for someone with initial advantage.
If your child is talented, there sure are plenty of outlets outside of school.

Pushy parent problem. you.

My Y4 DD does 10 hours gymnastics a week and has exactly zero opportunity to showcase her talent at school.She is not allowed to take part in any school n or interschoolgymnastics comps because she does too many hours.
she can't even do it in talent shpws because there is no suitable flooring but she and I don't crave adulation at school?

Well done Isit, it's hard to come down when you're sky high and fighting for your children's rights. But you've done the right thing. Just a gentle word of warning, my ds played beautifully for years, I'm actually sat next to the piano we bought him now. It's covered in dust and it was covered in dust before he went to university...

And we still don't know how talented or advanced the OP's daughter is on her instrument!

A couple of thoughts:

This isn't about only talent. It is about an enormous amount of hard work! I hate the idea that people play an instrument because they are "talented". Yes, people with a natural gift will end up better performers, but to play well a child will have worked REALLY hard.

Music is a performing art. Learning to perform and giving pleasure through performing is a big part of what it's all about. It is NOT about doing exams.

Schools don't understand or value music (I am a musician, teacher, and have three teenagers who all play). I think the OP should look for other opportunities for her daughter (Junior Academy at the RAM, for instance).

A child who plays well is a great pleasure to listen to, not just for her parents, but for other children and adults.

90 seconds is not enough time for the kind of piece the OPs daughter will be working on.

There is a massive difference between a child who takes lessons reluctantly, and has been encouraged to learn a short piece, and a child who is working hard and is passionate about music. This difference should be acknowledged by the school. This does not mean that other children don't get the chance to perform, just that it is perfectly fair for a more advanced child to play a slightly longer piece.

And we still don't know how talented or advanced the OP's daughter is on her instrument!

I think allhail has a very good point. Part of the joy of playing well is the sociability of playing with/for other people, which is difficult to arrange for pianists. How old is your DD, Isit? Have you thought about starting her on an orchestral/ensemble instrument, either with a view to it possibly becoming her main instrument if she takes to it, or a good second? I do think you're being a bit U about the assembly, but I also understand wanting your DD to have the opportunity to make the most of her music as she's talented. Maybe if she were playing, say, the violin or the clarinet in a few ensembles it would increase her opportunities for sociable music-making and performing, and then you wouldn't be so worried about her being picked to play the piano at every opportunity. Just a thought.

errr I've only read 2 pages, but has primary school changed so much that everyone does get to have a go, not just the talented ones?

Because I clearly remember going to every netball match, sitting in my uniform on the sidelines, and never getting to play because, eager though I was, I was short and dumpy and not as good as others.

On the other hand, I was OK at music and did get lead parts, parts in the concert etc. which other children didn't.

I don't think pulling her out is the answer - that's going a bit far if she's happy, but I also don't see a problem with being a bit pushy. If it's OK for the best kids to be picked for sports games, writing competitions, maths quizzes etc. then it should be fine to favour the musically best kids at a concert I think.

I think the OP has come back and said she's changed her mind after reading the thread, and that's where it should lie really.

FWIW, I think if she is really good the the way forward is to organise something else for her to play at.

I don't mean this to sounds critical but my kids are musicians and play in concerts as part of orchestras/ensembles. You often have the 6 year old who is grade 8 on the nose flute, ocarina and tambourine who is wheeled ed out to do a few pieces. Here's the thing-I don't enjoy listening to them any more than anyone else. I studied music from age 4-17, until I went to uni so I do feel I know what good music sounds like. The trouble with young players is that they are often technically good but its not like you're hearing a performance by a developed musician. That sounds dreadfully harsh and I don't mean it to. What I mean is that I enjoy hearing a new pianist stumble through "merrily we roll along" (with frequent pauses to find the right key) just as much as I enjoy hearing Elvira the child prodigy playing Flight of the Bumblebee. Because they are both kids, and the thing that makes music enjoyable for me just isn't a quality that most kids have developed yet. We had a grade 8 pianist, aged 7, inflicted on us at a music showcase last week. I mean-jolly good, and she needs the experience of performing and I'll support that on principle-but its not especially enjoyable to watch, or its no more enjoyable to watch, IMO, than any other kid.

(the exception would be the violin, because it is so great when they can keep in tune )

I also agree, start her on an orchestral instrument

One of my kids is very good at the piano. She gets very little opportunity to perform. You just don't, with the piano. So she plays an orchestral instrument as well (flute). She has a lot of background music knowledge already, the flute is pretty easy in the early stages if you already have that, and she's been able to get into various ensembles easily.

But beware Op if we see the erm.... 'showcase' appear anywhere....

We know its you

Oh and there are short but very difficult piano pieces

Just have a google.

Good doesn't = long in music. Its not really an endurance sport.

Oh just had another idea. If she's good why don't you get her accompanying another kid? You probably need someone of a certain standard but I'm sure there will be someone in the school who is used to playing with an accompanist. And accompanist skills are a great thing to have.

Sigyn - I get what you're saying - and I should have caught up before jumping in.

I played the flute too, and in a youth orchestra and it was a lot of fun, so I also agree with going down the second instrument route!

still think there's sometimes a double standard when it comes to sports though.....

I agree pickle.

But I think the issue lies with sport. The problem is that the only kids celebrated in sport are those who are good.

I personally think that this is a massive problem and a big contributor to health problems in this country. The kids who least need it in some way are the ones most encouraged.

I'm not anti-competitive sport but I'm anti it being the main option, simply because I don't think its good for our kids' physical health in the long term.