Absolutely furious with parents of DD's non-contact father. Where to go from here?

[chesterberry]

My ex-partner left me before my DD was born in August of last year. We had been in a long-term relationship but the pregnancy was not planned and he did not accept the idea of becoming a father at all. He tried to force me into an abortion and when I refused this he made threats towards me and the baby and said he wished I would miscarriage. He then changed tactics and denied the baby could possibly be his before moving back to his home town and leaving me alone and pregnant.

Aside from me emailing him once to announce the birth of our DD there has been no contact between us since and he is not on the birth certificate, however his parents asked to still be involved. They have been mostly supportive of me and I am in regular contact with them. They come down to visit us (they live several hours drive away) once every month or so for the day and now my DD is no longer ebf the last few times they've visited they've taken her out for a few hours to give me some time to myself. They are lovely with her, my DD is happy with them and I am pleased she can have a relationship with her paternal family.

However I have just found out they have breached my trust in a huge way. My ex-partner and I have a lot of mutual friends and today I was having lunch with one of them. She asked me whether my ex was now in contact. I said no and asked why she thought that and she said because of the picture on his facebook. I didn't know what she meant (I have deleted him from facebook) and she pulled up the picture to show me. It's a picture of my DD with her paternal grandmother in a T-shirt which says 'Daddy's Little Princess.' My ex has been tagged in it. It's been posted by my ex's father (who I'm not facebook friends with) and I'm unable to see the photo from my facebook account.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting but I feel absolutely furious that they that they have broken my trust like this. This was clearly something premeditated as they had to go and buy the T-shirt and then secretly photograph my daughter and post it without me knowing. They have in the past expressed disappointment in their son and expressed they wished he would accept our DD as his. They know some of the story regarding us breaking up although not that he made threats towards me or his wishing I'd miscarry.

I know I was probably being unreasonable but on seeing this photo in the anger of the moment I sent my DD's grandmother a message in which I have essentially told her she will never see my DD again. I don't know what their motives are or what my ex thinks about this but I do not want him to have contact with our daughter, the person he became on finding out I was pregnant was not the man I was in love with, he made threats towards us and I am terrified if he was in contact with our daughter he would hurt her. I know legally he has a right to see her but I am dismayed that they are encouraging him to acknowledge her, I'd prefer his apathy really. I also no longer feel I could trust them to have my daughter on their own, I am terrified they might arrange to meet up with my ex and take her with them or something.

I don't know where to go from here. WIBU to simply cut all contact and refuse to let them see their grand-daughter? I know that's unfair on my DD but I don't see how I could ever leave her in their care again and I don't want to have to be there with them for supervised contact. I know that on the face of it what they have done, photographed their grand-daughter in a T-shirt without checking with her mum, is not a massive thing but I'm angry that they tried to hide this from me and that they are clearly trying to get their son to have contact with our DD. Maybe I am over-reacting, I don't know. Any advice would be welcomed, thank you.

whoa thats a tough one, they have made a MASSIVE mistake. I suppose though that even though their son has behaved terribly he is still their son and they obviously love him. Really stupid thing to do to post it on facebook, even stupider with that tshirt. Id be mad too. As for stopping contact? I don't know. You need to make it clear how you feel but I think i would be willing to give them another chance, as long as they understand completely that anything like that were to happen again then contact would be stopped.

I would imagine they have acted thoughtlessly rather than out of spite or anything, so maybe take some time to think through your next actions. I do feel for you and your dd though.
Some wiser posters will be along shortly with actual advice.

I don't have much useful to say, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I'm so sorry for what your ex put you through during your pregnancy. That is disgusting and unforgivable. I can see why you do not want him to be involved in your daughter's life.

This is a massive betrayal of your trust. It is up to you whether you let them see your daughter again, I certainly wouldn't allow them to have her unsupervised again for quite some time.

They obviously planned this, buying the t-shirt and uploading it to Facebook without your permission - lots of parents ask people not to post photographs of their children. I do wonder if perhaps it was a misguided attempt to shame your ex into acknowledging his daughter? His parents are probably very embarrassed at how he has behaved, even without knowing the worst bits. Am I right in thinking ex wasn't actually in the photo, just tagged?

If you would like to maintain contact, is there anyone who could supervise visits?

Anyway, I hope lots of wiser posters have come along in the time it's taken me to type this, and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your daughter

Yes, I really do think that you are overreacting and that there must be a better way to handle this than to cut grandparents out of your child's life.

I understand your anger at the grandparents but, essentially, all they did was take a photograph albeit an ill advised one.

the grandparents made a mistake. they probably don't want to believe that their son is a waste of space and tried to engage him in his daughter's life.

I'm sure you can just speak to them, say you're not happy and move on from there. It sounds like they've been good to you and that they are close to your daughter so to cut them off would be cruel.

Can't you just talk about it and agree that they don't post any pics of your daughter on FB in future?

I think cutting all contact would be the wrong thing.

Sit down with them and express that you do not want any pictures of DD on FB or for them to encourage contact with their son. In regards to trying to hide it they put it on FB so not really a secret.

If they cannot agree to this then tell them contact with DD with be limited or non existence.

Maybe they did it in the vain hope it would encourage their feckless son in to taking an interest in his DD. Do they know the history and if so do they believe you?
At the end of the day he (ex) does have the right to have a relationship with his DD whether you like it or not. If you are so concerned for her safety then you need to seek advice on how to stop any unsolicited contact as I am afraid your say so just won't stand legally.

Tricky. Did they outwardly lie to you about what they would be doing that day? Do they know that you do not want your daughter seeing him? It must be very hard for them. Sounds like it might be an idea for lawyers to get involved and give formality and certainty to contact arrangements. By the way, he does not have a legal right to see her, but she has the right to see him if it is deemed in her best interests. That is my understanding,but I am not a family lawyer.
Ironically, they may be helping to create a relationship between the two of them. I fear you may have overreacted with the grandmother and should have perhaps asked for an explanation first. Otherwise you come across as hot-headed and reactionary and give your ex perfect 'see? This is what she was like with me' fodder.

Dear Jesus I would be livid too but in the grand scheme of things they have just made a mistake (albeit a big one!) for your DDs sake you could try supervised contact and maybe explain to them why you were so hurt by what they did?
Maybe enlighten them to their precious son's behaviour as well and they'll think twice about making the same mistake again.

While in the long term cutting all contact with otherwise caring grandparents might not be what you ultimately want, you're right that this is a massive breach of trust, and the grandparents do need to understand just how big a deal that is before anything can move forward on good terms IMO.

What did grandmother say in response to you saying she will not see your DD again? Are they sorry for what they've done?

In your situation I would be furious too.
But before cutting contact I would wait to see what they have to say about it.

Honestly I think that you should tell them everything about the threats and how horribly he treated you, because at the moment from their point of view he is just a father who wasn't ready and walked away, so in their eyes encouraging contact between him and your DD is a good idea because it may make him step up and be a father.

Without all the facts they have no way to know why you are so upset and why you don't want their son anywhere near your DD.

Wow that really was a big no-no wasn't it?

Have you had a reply to your message yet?

In answer to whether YABU or not, I don't know. I don't think you were tbh, because the trust is badly damaged. Whether or not you can move on from this....maybe.

I would supervise visits if you do allow them. I'd be wanting a pretty good explanation and massive apology before anything though.

What did she say?

They've photographed your child in a particular T-shirt which gives a certain impression but did I miss the bit where the grand-parents have actually taken the child to her father? There's no actual proof that they've not adhered to your wishes, is there?

Well, sounds like you've burned your bridges now, whatever they may or may not have done.

I can understand how angry and betrayed you must feel.
But as you admit yourself they do not know how had their DS has behaved, they just think he is a feckless father and in an entirely cackhanded way are trying to "fix" that.
I think you need to talk to them and tell them everything, that you do not want DD to have contact with him or him to be involved due to the threats and safety concerns. If they cannot accept this, then cut contact.

I think cutting them out of your dd's life is an over-reaction. As others have said, it was probably a misguided attempt to shame (?) / persuade (?) their son into taking an interest.
I think you should have let them know that you felt it was not a reasonable thing to do, but it seems a bit of a jump from that to cutting them out when clearly you have been happy up to now for your dd to have a relationship with them.

I'd second the view that you should tell them exactly how he behaved to you and the threats made to you and your baby.

I think they have breached your trust and could potentially put your child at risk but, while they are fully responsible for the former and you are justifiably angry about that, they can't have known about the potential risks and haven't knowingly but your child in danger. Once you see what their response is to that information, that may give you more of a steer on how you want to proceed.

I agree with Funnyfoot and Nancy, I think it was an attempt to engage him/emotionally blackmail him/show him what he is missing. Stupid and hurtful and thoughtless, but not necessarily something that can't be dealt with in order for DD to have her GP's in her life. I'm sure they think it would be a good thing for DD to have a relationship with her Dad.

Can you send another email now you have calmed down telling them no photos on FB and to leave contact with Dad up to him to sort out?

I can absolutely understand why you're so annoyed but do think it was unrealistic of you to expect them to want to be involved in their dgd's life and not hope that their son would want to be involved in time too.

I imagine they're very disappointed in his behaviour to date and I'm not surprised they're hoping it Will change.

They behaved foolishly but I can understand why they did

Agree with the PP. It was inevitable that they would involve your DD's father. I'd be astonished if they haven't been reporting back your DD's progress every time they've visited. The expression is 'blood is thicker than water' and this is why...

They've made a massive mistake but you really have to be a lot less naïve about what a relationship with them actually means.

I can understand your feelings totally OP. I suppose it's just a question of whether you want to talk to them about this and try to rebuild trust between you. Who knows what they thought they were playing at but I guess it probably is something like Nancy 66 suggests. Even so I would not be able to look past this without some considerable discussion and a very, very clear message that you will not allow this to happen in the future.

I know they are probably lovely people but I have experience of manipulative ex inlaws and despite the fact that I am a totally non confrontational wimp I had to stand up to them and be very firm in my approach. It worked, they still see Dd but know that I am her parent and what I say goes. Like you I refused to see my Dd dragged into the toxic quagmire that was their family!

BTW is your ex contributing financially to his DD's upbringing?

It's only a t-shirt. It is irritating though. But I can't see why it should turn into some sort of explosive deal. Just say no more photos on facebook and t-shirts with messages. But they probably just want everything to be nice and didn't act out of any maliciousness.

Putting myself in their shoes, if I had a grandchild that I was in contact with that my child didn't see, I'd be doing everything to encourage him to see her.

Not in this way...but when they see her, surely you don't think that they're not going to phone him, tell him 'Oh she's smiling/growing/getting teeth now' in the hope he will try to get involved?

I would stop the unsupervised contact, tell them you have lost all trust in them and contact can continue, but only with you present. Also, they are NEVER to put photos of your dd on Facebook and if the dad wants to see her he needs to contact you himself.

Id ignore it. Hard as that might be. I really sympathise that your x let u down. Try not to be drawn in to an argument that could paint u in a petty light.

You have a right to be angry but use every gram of self control not to react.

It's been shown that when a father anandons his child, the child feels less rejected if the grandparents of the absentee father want to be in the child's life.

I have the xpils from HELL by the way.

Im confused.

From the OP it seems they bought her a t-shirt saying daddy's princess and took a photo of her in it.

Was her father with her in the photo? Otherwise i cant understand the betrayal comments and them not being allowed to see her again.

Fwiw- as they have been seeing her monthly and been having her alone they would be granted contact in court to continue that relationship so be sure you want to go down that road OP (i have experience of this)