Absolutely furious with parents of DD's non-contact father. Where to go from here?

[chesterberry]

My ex-partner left me before my DD was born in August of last year. We had been in a long-term relationship but the pregnancy was not planned and he did not accept the idea of becoming a father at all. He tried to force me into an abortion and when I refused this he made threats towards me and the baby and said he wished I would miscarriage. He then changed tactics and denied the baby could possibly be his before moving back to his home town and leaving me alone and pregnant.

Aside from me emailing him once to announce the birth of our DD there has been no contact between us since and he is not on the birth certificate, however his parents asked to still be involved. They have been mostly supportive of me and I am in regular contact with them. They come down to visit us (they live several hours drive away) once every month or so for the day and now my DD is no longer ebf the last few times they've visited they've taken her out for a few hours to give me some time to myself. They are lovely with her, my DD is happy with them and I am pleased she can have a relationship with her paternal family.

However I have just found out they have breached my trust in a huge way. My ex-partner and I have a lot of mutual friends and today I was having lunch with one of them. She asked me whether my ex was now in contact. I said no and asked why she thought that and she said because of the picture on his facebook. I didn't know what she meant (I have deleted him from facebook) and she pulled up the picture to show me. It's a picture of my DD with her paternal grandmother in a T-shirt which says 'Daddy's Little Princess.' My ex has been tagged in it. It's been posted by my ex's father (who I'm not facebook friends with) and I'm unable to see the photo from my facebook account.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting but I feel absolutely furious that they that they have broken my trust like this. This was clearly something premeditated as they had to go and buy the T-shirt and then secretly photograph my daughter and post it without me knowing. They have in the past expressed disappointment in their son and expressed they wished he would accept our DD as his. They know some of the story regarding us breaking up although not that he made threats towards me or his wishing I'd miscarry.

I know I was probably being unreasonable but on seeing this photo in the anger of the moment I sent my DD's grandmother a message in which I have essentially told her she will never see my DD again. I don't know what their motives are or what my ex thinks about this but I do not want him to have contact with our daughter, the person he became on finding out I was pregnant was not the man I was in love with, he made threats towards us and I am terrified if he was in contact with our daughter he would hurt her. I know legally he has a right to see her but I am dismayed that they are encouraging him to acknowledge her, I'd prefer his apathy really. I also no longer feel I could trust them to have my daughter on their own, I am terrified they might arrange to meet up with my ex and take her with them or something.

I don't know where to go from here. WIBU to simply cut all contact and refuse to let them see their grand-daughter? I know that's unfair on my DD but I don't see how I could ever leave her in their care again and I don't want to have to be there with them for supervised contact. I know that on the face of it what they have done, photographed their grand-daughter in a T-shirt without checking with her mum, is not a massive thing but I'm angry that they tried to hide this from me and that they are clearly trying to get their son to have contact with our DD. Maybe I am over-reacting, I don't know. Any advice would be welcomed, thank you.

I don't think anyone would say that a visit once every 6 weeks is unreasonable - bear in mind though that as LO gets bigger your weekends are going to get filled up with activities.

Also - if you do explain to them how their son behaved they are unlikely to want to believe it. It's your call OP, none of us are walking in your shoes or know the situation.

atb

They made a huge mistake and I agree that it sounds as though they were misguidedly trying to persuade their son to become involved with your DD.

The most egregious part of this is actually the t-shirt IMO. I think you should explain to the ex-Pils why you find that shirt so incredibly offensive; the fact that your ex made threats and wished you to miscarry and denies paternity along with the fact that he has not taken a single action to demonstrate that he is willing to accept that he is your DD's father. That t-shirt is so unbelievably offensive in light of all this. I understand your anger!... but it does sound like your ex-Pils are decent people who screwed up although the fact that the planned it and did it in such a way that they probably hoped you'd never find out isn't good.

That's my thought, NeedsAsockamnesty. They sometimes bring presents with them when they visit and if this T-shirt had been amongst the presents I would have been upset, but we would have talked about it and it would have been fine.

However they clearly knew I wouldn't like the T-shirt and that it would upset me. They did only have my daughter for a few hours and she came home in the clothes they took her out in, so they must have changed her into it, taken the photo, and put her back in her old clothes. Clearly I was not meant to see it. It's the blatant attempt to deceive me, even if it was done with misguided but harmless intentions to try and have their son show an interest in their daughter, which has really upset me. I don't think I am an unreasonable person under normal circumstances and if they wanted to take a photo for their son I wish they would have asked me first. It's true I probably would have said no to the T-shirt idea (ironically he hated slogan T-shirts when we were together and thought them tacky so I doubt that he has been won over by it anyway) but I would have listened to them and had a conversation and we may have been able to have come to a compromise. It is the fact they did this behind my back that has upset me. My fear is that if they were willing to do this behind my back how can I be sure their next move wouldn't be to take my DD to see their son? Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I can't help but question their motives and whether they are doing this for their grand-daughter or for their son.

Cut them out of your lives now before your DD gets too close to them. There are too many red flags. Trying to get you to stop EBF, wanting DD without you, asking for overnights, putting their clothes on your DD, taking inappropriate pictures, posting and tagging on Facebook.

I bet there is a pink nursery at their house, complete with a full wardrobe and toys.

It's a hard situation all round. My own mil said the same thing as your ex's parents about bf and overnight even when I was pregnant - some just seem to get carried away.

I think your right to see how it goes once you return to work. Could they do a day perhaps when you are working so it won't take out of your weekend time? As to overnights I would just put them off with you will think about it when she is older as you think she is a bit young and you would feel nervous with her being so far away.

Oh, dear, I can see why you are so upset. But think about it from their point if view - sounds like they are embarrassed/ashamed of their son's behaviour and are trying to force/encourage a relationship between him and your dd.

Have they got back to you since the photo?

I think I'd ask them why they did it, what they were hoping to achieve, and ask them not to ever put photos of your dd on facebook - or any other social media. That's not on.

If they don't know the whole story, you would be well within your rights to tell them just what their son did and how he acted when you were pregnant.

Gosh how dare a grandparent want their grandchild overnight. That's disgusting.

Seriously, the t-shirt thing was a huge cock up but you sound awfully precious about access. 1 day a month even if you're working you still have 7 full weekend days with DD. I don't think it would hurt them to have her one day. Or even occasional overnight visits. Obviously once you've explained what happened with their son

I think you're doing the right thing by sleeping on it and contacting the paternal grandparents tomorrow about why you understandably reacted like you did.

Having support from them will be good for you and your dd especially when she starts asking about her father.

I would be wondering if the ex might be thinking I had done it and was trying to be manipulative

I think I will consider sticking to my plan of every 6 weeks but suggesting they come on the Saturday and spend time with her and then spend time overnight in a hotel and see us again on the Sunday morning. I will not be leaving her alone with them again for the moment. Currently they have been driving down on the Saturday, seeing my DD in the day and then they drive half-way home and stay in a hotel on the Sunday night before driving the rest of the way home. This way although they will be seeing her less frequently they will have more time with her. I would rather give up a Saturday and a Sunday every 6 weeks so that my DD can see her grandparents than a Saturday every 4 weeks as we don't tend to do much on a Sunday anyway. That would equate to 24 days a year (not counting any additional special occasions we might attend) which is about double what I saw my grandparents growing up and I don't resent my parents in the slightest.

However there is no way I am going to consider overnight visits. I really do not think that they are appropriate yet, she is only nine months old. She has only met them 10 or so times in her life. At some point in the future of course I will consider overnight visits if they have regained my trust but that is still several years away. She is a baby, she is still waking several times a night and she is still breast-fed when she awakens. I would not leave her with anybody overnight, let alone people who I don't really trust and who she doesn't really know that well. My big fear now is that if they had her for more than a few hours they would take her to see their son. At the moment they only have her for a few hours without me there and if they weren't back with her when they said they would be alarm bells would start ringing. If they had her overnight they could take her to their home-town and back without me knowing.

I don't think my ex would think it was me. It was a pink glittery T-shirt and he knows I hate pink and he knows I think those kinds of T-shirts are tacky. We were planning on having children together (just not for a few years) and we had discussed that we wouldn't dress our children in those kinds of things. Although I guess he might think I was being especially manipulative in dressing our DD in something I knew he'd hate, but his DM is always buying pink frilly things for her grand-daughter so hopefully it smacks of her style and not of mine.

I don't think xp not untagging himself is particularly significant btw. Could be laziness, or to get parents off his back, or that he just hasn't noticed. Don't let that start to mess with your head.

Needsasock I was just about to post that. It would be a logical assumption for him to make; far more logical than assuming they had done this off their own bat without OP's knowledge.

I completely agree about them not having her unsupervised for enough time to take her back to their home town. But I still think that if they were to do it I would understand why, unless you put them in full possession of the facts. You need to tell them everything op. they need to understand the stakes - you are not some contact-denying x, you are protecting your dd from a man who never wanted her in the first place.

YANBU to be slightly suspicious of their intentions. I also would be firm about what the boundaries are and how they've overstepped them IMO. I would never let them have your 'baby' for a night.

FWIW I don't think any 'good' man wishes a miscarriage on their pregnant partner/girlfriend and they certainly don't threaten to throw you down the stairs to enable that! That's not an unlikeable personality trait, that's a deep and disturbing personality flaw!

Can I ask, where do the grandparents take her when they go out for a few hours? Do they drive to yours, take her out, then drive home the same day. I am confused.

Not only that but as they live 300 miles away it would be highly unfeasible to have her overnight, 10+ hours to collect and return back home, then the same the next day to return her.

"At some point in the future of course I will consider overnight visits if they have regained my trust but that is still several years away. She is a baby, she is still waking several times a night and she is still breast-fed when she awakens. I would not leave her with anybody overnight"

Tell them this, your not saying no it's just something for the future

The grandparents drive to mine on a Saturday morning. They arrive around midday and usually spend an hour or so at mine where we chat for a bit and so that my DD can reacquaint herself with them. Then they go out for a few hours for lunch and then they tend to go out somewhere local. There aren't really many places to go so usually it is the local park/ recreational ground for a walk. DD tends to fall asleep during their time so it's not ideal. They then come back and spend another hour or two at mine before leaving in the early evening. They travel half-way home and then stay in a hotel overnight (which I think they like doing as a treat away from home in itself) before travelling the rest of the way Sunday morning. They have suggested having my DD at a hotel over-night rather than taking her all the way home at first but that once she's used to it they could have her for a few days to give me a break. I don't need a break and said no, she's too young.

I have messaged DD's grandmother (although no reply yet) and I have told her we need to talk (without DD there) and when we do I will tell her everything her son did. I didn't tell her initially to protect her (she had a child who was stillborn and I think would find what he said devastating) but clearly she needs to know so that she can understand my reasons for not wanting her son in DD's life unless I can be 100% sure he wants to be a father to her. I will then talk about how upset I am that they were photographing her behind my back in clothes they knew I wouldn't like and move on to talking about contact. Contact will definitely be supervised until I am 100% sure I can trust them which I know will hurt them, which is not my intention, but I think that I will need time to trust them with my DD again.

YABU and very selfish. The GP's are travelling all that distance to see their DGC and you think it's too often just because your own parents can't be arsed don't see her, and because you didn't see yours? My son split from the mother of his child when she was about 8 months old, but me and DH have been lucky enough to be allowed to see my DGD all her life. She stays over night with me sometimes, i have helped taking her to and from school and we have a fantastic relationship. She is now 11 years old and even though she spends alternate Saturday's with me, she still texts me between visits to say that she's missing me or invite me to school events. She also sees her maternal GP's twice and week and she loves it.

yanbu

i would feel the same and i think you're doing the right thing.

Wombat, the OP is not beig selfish at all. The GPs are doing this because they want to see their granddaughter, OP is more than accomodating them, how the hell is she being selfish? If she doesn't want a 9 month old to stay out- thats her choice. The OP has valid reasons to believe they will introduce the father to DD, and that has nothing at all to do with their relationship with theit GD.

Oh, and I still think it's strange that the ex was tagged in the photo and not removing it would have me more worried about this situation. Realistically, there is only a very small chance he doesn't know he is tagged- it comes up on most phones as a notification, and as your friend noticed it, others will have too, and what are the chances that nobody has said to him "Oh, I didn't know you had a daughter?". I would take this as a bad sign, that he is willing to have everyone on his Facebook friends list know he has a daughter, and come to the conclusion that he is either reconsidering his decisions, or feeding all of his friends a big pack of lies about his big bad ex stopping contact.

I think you are doing the right thing to - Being a grandparent does not give you the right to 'bulldoze' the parent. The relationship has to be built on trust and understanding, trust has been broken by the grandparents, they were incredibly sneaky.

Would I be to bothered if it was photo of grandparents and baby without the t shirt (poor choice) and without the tag - I do not think I would. It was very underhand.

Sorry Op but I have a niggling feeling that Grandparents have an agenda, would I let my very young child go to their home 300 miles away without me - categorically no.