Absolutely furious with parents of DD's non-contact father. Where to go from here?

[chesterberry]

My ex-partner left me before my DD was born in August of last year. We had been in a long-term relationship but the pregnancy was not planned and he did not accept the idea of becoming a father at all. He tried to force me into an abortion and when I refused this he made threats towards me and the baby and said he wished I would miscarriage. He then changed tactics and denied the baby could possibly be his before moving back to his home town and leaving me alone and pregnant.

Aside from me emailing him once to announce the birth of our DD there has been no contact between us since and he is not on the birth certificate, however his parents asked to still be involved. They have been mostly supportive of me and I am in regular contact with them. They come down to visit us (they live several hours drive away) once every month or so for the day and now my DD is no longer ebf the last few times they've visited they've taken her out for a few hours to give me some time to myself. They are lovely with her, my DD is happy with them and I am pleased she can have a relationship with her paternal family.

However I have just found out they have breached my trust in a huge way. My ex-partner and I have a lot of mutual friends and today I was having lunch with one of them. She asked me whether my ex was now in contact. I said no and asked why she thought that and she said because of the picture on his facebook. I didn't know what she meant (I have deleted him from facebook) and she pulled up the picture to show me. It's a picture of my DD with her paternal grandmother in a T-shirt which says 'Daddy's Little Princess.' My ex has been tagged in it. It's been posted by my ex's father (who I'm not facebook friends with) and I'm unable to see the photo from my facebook account.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting but I feel absolutely furious that they that they have broken my trust like this. This was clearly something premeditated as they had to go and buy the T-shirt and then secretly photograph my daughter and post it without me knowing. They have in the past expressed disappointment in their son and expressed they wished he would accept our DD as his. They know some of the story regarding us breaking up although not that he made threats towards me or his wishing I'd miscarry.

I know I was probably being unreasonable but on seeing this photo in the anger of the moment I sent my DD's grandmother a message in which I have essentially told her she will never see my DD again. I don't know what their motives are or what my ex thinks about this but I do not want him to have contact with our daughter, the person he became on finding out I was pregnant was not the man I was in love with, he made threats towards us and I am terrified if he was in contact with our daughter he would hurt her. I know legally he has a right to see her but I am dismayed that they are encouraging him to acknowledge her, I'd prefer his apathy really. I also no longer feel I could trust them to have my daughter on their own, I am terrified they might arrange to meet up with my ex and take her with them or something.

I don't know where to go from here. WIBU to simply cut all contact and refuse to let them see their grand-daughter? I know that's unfair on my DD but I don't see how I could ever leave her in their care again and I don't want to have to be there with them for supervised contact. I know that on the face of it what they have done, photographed their grand-daughter in a T-shirt without checking with her mum, is not a massive thing but I'm angry that they tried to hide this from me and that they are clearly trying to get their son to have contact with our DD. Maybe I am over-reacting, I don't know. Any advice would be welcomed, thank you.

I'd contact them again, explain about the threats and apologise for being so angry but you won't have your Dd's safety compromised.

I would only allow supervised contact and you might also check what the legal criteria is for grandparents wanting contact is.

Xpost.

Massive over reaction on your part OP.

Also- you have used your daughters name- might be best to hve HQ edit that.

I can see why you reacted in that way. It was silly, clumsy and inappropriate attempt to involve their useless son in his daughter's life by jolting him into some sort of paternal feeling.

I would be tempted to let the dust settle and then say sorry for your reaction, but be quite clear that they have over stepped the mark and that you won't tolerate any such stunts in future.

OP, did you mean to put your DDs name in your last post? You might want to report to get it deleted?

If they do not know about the threats then how do you expect them to understand why you want no contact with the ex?

You will be reducing your DD's family if you choose to go NC and is that really of any benefit to your DD or is it about you? I don't mean to sound harsh but that's the reality.
Having children means that sometimes you do what is right by them not what is right for you.

It sounds to me like they are trying to encourage him into having contact. That's a natural thing for a parent to want to do, isn't it - to have their son acknowledge his own child. I agree with a pp that you have perhaps been a little bit naïve about what contact with them will actually mean - they obviously love DD and really can't see why their son isn't involved.

I think, whatever you do, you should tell them the whole story. I am willing to put money on it that XP has told them a complete lot of nonsense about your split. They need to know the truth - at the very least to truly understand how you feel about contact.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation wrt to contact. I agree that the trust has now gone, but tbh I wouldn't have trusted them in the first place - I'm sorry you've tried to do the right thing by everyone and it's gone wrong.

I had the impression before my earlier post that they had taken her to see him that day, but perhaps I was wrong? Do you think they saw him or not? Was it just a photo in a tasteless tshirt?

When your children get older u begin to feel less "proprietorial" over them. I can let my dc go to x & the vile xmil and it's a rare break. I dont feel they dont deserve to spend a week with my dc. I feel they ought to.

And feelings change over time. It was hard for me at first but my mum always used to remind me that the dc had a right to see him even tho he had forfeited his rights in our opinion. So it was their rights i was honouring.

It does get easier, usually! I know that to begin with, "doing the right thing" made me feel like nothing but a used doormat, but over time, i felt like i was the one with integrity. The judge saw that even tho he and his family never would.

Fwiw- as they have been seeing her monthly and been having her alone they would be granted contact in court to continue that relationship so be sure you want to go down that road OP (i have experience of this)

This is quite a rare occurrence, plenty of gp's try but most fail

I think you have to bear in mind that they were not trying to hurt you. I can see their point - they would like their son to acknowledge his child. They are his parents and want to believe he is a good person.

Do you have genuine reason to believe that your XP is a potential danger to DD? You say that he made threats to harm you and her - was he ever actually violent? I mean, he sounds like a prize prick but sometimes someone who says hurtful things is never going to go any further than verbal abuse. And might, by now, even regret the hurtful comments and wish to make some sort of amends and build some sort of relationship with his DD.

In my case grand parents hadnt seen or bothered with child for 7 months since he was 18 months old when there was a violent incident. I stopped contact. They didnt get in contact at all for 7 months and then it was a court order for 4 supervised sessions then i had to hand him over for them to take him to their house unsupervised despite the violence and no contact for 7 months. Maybe i was unlucky with the judge i got.

Thank you. I think I will try to arrange to meet them without my DD being present and I will tell them the full story regarding the split from their son and why I am not keen to push contact. If he ever comes to the realisation on his own that he wants contact with our DD that would be fine but I couldn't trust him with her unless I knew the desire to have a relationship with her was 100% his and not pushed on him by his parents or anyone else.

I will explain that I feel upset that they are doing this behind my back and that my trust has been broken (admittedly in a smaller way than my over-reaction suggested). I haven't ever set any ground-rules or anything regarding their contact with DD but I think for things to move forward I will need to do so. I will also suggest contact is less regular, my DD doesn't even see my own parents as often as she sees my ex's and they can be a bit suffocating so maybe I was looking for an excuse to pull out of this arrangement hence my over-reaction.

Seems the t-shirt sentiments are more about wishful thinking than the reality. She is hardly daddy's little princess when he hasn't even seen her nor does he want too. Now is the time for a straight talk with his parents telling them exactly what their son did and said when you announced the pregnancy. He clearly didn't use a condom so either wanted a child or assumed you would be on the pill.

Just to correct funnyfoot and others. Your ex doesn't have the right to access to his daughter. She has the right to a father. If he chooses not to bother then he can explain why when she is old enough to realise she has a twat of a dad.

You might want to consider reporting your post to MNHQ. You have put your child's name and it isn't a common one.

Don't apologise for being hurt but ground rules do need to be set.

Do you get maintenance from him for your baby?

I'd be very concerned that they are also trying to get their son to see your daughter when they have him.

It's hard if you usually get on well & your daughter gets on with them.

I can see why you feel that the easiest is just not to see them.

If you reduce contact with PIL so that your DD can spend time with yours then fine but I really hope that is the case. If your parents don't see her that often why?

I can see why your angry and I can also see why they did what they did but tbh OP it sounds like you won't be happy until they are out of your DD's life. Again this could to be detrimental to your DD in the future and appears like you are thinking of yourself and not her.

A quick thought about the picture. If the gf took it on his phone and uploaded it on his phone then that might be an innocent explanation for the fb 'subterfuge'. Gm would see it but tagging their ds would make him look.

I do think this is more about them guilting your xp than betraying you iyswim.

My DP's won't see my DD more often if I reduce contact. My parents don't see my DD often because they also live several hours away and both work full-time. As a child I only saw both sets of my grandparents a few times a year (although usually for a week or two at a time) as we lived so far away from them. My parents seem happy for us to have less regular contact, although when I do see them we stay with them for a week or two. My ex grew up in the same town as his grandparents so saw them regularly and I think his parents want to see my DD as much as possible. I know they would prefer I lived nearer so contact could be more frequent.

I feel that seeing them once a month is too much, we get on enough to chat about my DD but that is all the relationship is. I was considering reducing contact before all of this anyway as I go back to work following maternity leave this week and so weekends suddenly feel more precious, if I am going to be supervising contact with them I feel one weekend a month is more than I have to give right now.

I don't know. I will sleep on it before I make any more decisions as I appreciate I am still feeling angry (even if that is unreasonable) and so might not be thinking rationally yet.

(Also thanks to the people who pointed out I accidentally included my DD's name. I have reported the post and asked for it to be removed.)

Hello. I agree that you should fully explain what happened with your ex. Especially regarding the pressure for a termination. I would ask them why they did this with the tshirt and face book. When they have explained I would then ask if they thought it was acceptable, and if so why they didn't tag you into the picture and also why they didn't return her in the tshirt.

I would also ask how do they think she will feel as a 14 year old girl seeing a baby photo of herself on the internet posted for all the world to see wearing a tshirt claiming she is the princess of a man who wished she had been aborted.

So apart from you, the only family your daughter has close by is your (uninterested) ex partner and her parents? It would be a shame for her to grow up without an extended family, especially when they are keen to be involved.

Really be careful: you may end up cutting off your nose to spite your face and alienate people who could be of great practical support especially when you are so far away from your own parents.

Fast forward 7 or 8 years time - you are working and the school phone to say your daughter is ill, who is going to pick her up? Ditto Doctor's appointment.

You are going out and need a baby sitter - what better than having your daughter's grandparents on hand?

feel that seeing them once a month is too much, we get on enough to chat about my DD but that is all the relationship is. I was considering reducing contact before all of this anyway as I go back to work following maternity leave this week and so weekends suddenly feel more precious, if I am going to be supervising contact with them I feel one weekend a month is more than I have to give right now.

Sorry OP but surely this is about your DD having a relationship with her GPs and not all about you. As you say she doesn't see your DP's often which is a shame and now you want to isolate her from regular contact with her other GP because it doesn't suite you. You are saying 1 weekend a month is too much!! Unbelievable.

I very much doubt your DD will thank you for it in the future OP. Her family extends outside of you whether you like it or not and it feels like you will do all you can to take away any relationships she may have that doesn't have you best interests at heart.

Again when you have children you do the best you can for them even if that means you have to sacrifice 1 weekend a month so she can have a relationship with loving family members.

And I also think the PIL could grovel on their bellies but it would make no difference as you clearly do not want them in you DD's life.

Aw, this must be so tough for you. I really do sympathise. I think the way I see it is that his parents are acting out of shame and despair that their son has been so awful.

It must be terrible to see your child abandon their responsibilities, I can see how they would feel awfully compromised. And equally I can see why you'd be furious at what seems like their desire to rewrite history. But I think a quiet word would surely be more constructive? After all, they have tried to do the right thing throughout, in spite of what must be colossal shame. Banishing them, if they are good grandparents, for one mistake, seems entirely harsh.