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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let myself go"...?

136 replies

Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 12:51

I recently turned fourty.

Over a period of about five years, I have....

Stopped wearing a bra unless 100% necessary ie flimsy see through dress etc

Let at least 2 inches of grey come through on my roots before reluctantly putting a home dye on it.

Don't care anymore that I am too fat, tried so many times to lose it and not fat enough to kill me I hope ( few stone overweight)

Hardly ever buy clothes, partly due to lack of cash but also I just cannot be arsed.

For context I spent wetware puberty and 35 being very concerned with clothes, hair, fashion etc but to be honest, am now with DP who himself is not a very romantic individual ( he wasn't even when I was a pert and well groomed size eight!) whatnis actually the point?!

My mum is lovely but has made a few comments along the line of I mustn't let myself go!

OP posts:
tripecity · 16/05/2014 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 16/05/2014 12:57

I wouldn't. it makes me feel good to look nice and clean and well presented. I only stop caring when my depression is so bad I can hardly get out of bed and I wouldn't want to live like that all the time!

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 12:57

If you don't care and your DP doesn't care, then it's entirely your choice what you do with your own appearance.

SpringBreaker · 16/05/2014 12:57

If you sounded happy about yourself then it would be fair enough, because you wouldnt feel the need to post about it I would have thought.

Personal grooming is more than just appearance, it does make you feel better about yourself in general.

You have just turned 40? That isnt over the hill, or old, it is not even middle aged these days.

I am in my early 40's, and still make an effort to take pride in my appearance, and it isnt for anyone else, its for me.

If you are a few stone overweight, then you should be wearing a bra.

You sound very down in the dumps to me, and I would bet any money that if someone said to you "would you like to be a groomed pert size 8 again?" and be able to wave a magic wand, you wouldnt say "nah, I prefer being like this".

That magic wand doesnt exist, but you can still make an effort for your own self confidence. Do you want to get to 50 and wish you hadnt let it all slide in your 40's?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2014 12:59

Oh, I think you should let yourself go! Within healthy reasons. With age comes confidence which is a wonderful thing. I, now, cannot care less what people think of me so, I almost take pride in looking like a slob, because I can.

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/05/2014 12:59

Are you happy about it? If so, no problem.
Are you doing it because you're a bit pissed off and depressed? Not so good.

Leviticus · 16/05/2014 13:00

Yes you do sound more 'what's the point of it all?' than 'I'm genuinely happy the way I am'.

I feel better when I look better.

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/05/2014 13:02

There are some behaviours that could be seen as grooming-related, like washing hair and doing exercise, but they also have the effect of making you feel physically better, that you are missing out on by letting yourself go.

SpringBreaker · 16/05/2014 13:08

I would also consider how my kids would feel about having a mum who looked like she didnt care.

A few stone overweight is not healthy, walking around with boobs round your belly is not a great look. Two inches of grey regrowth looks terrible. Either get it cut short and go grey neatly, or put the colour on it before you look like a skunk.

Llareggub · 16/05/2014 13:14

How old are your children? My seven year old told me yesterday that I had embarrassed him behind belief in year 1. Turns out it was because I'd given him his booster seat to take into school because his grandfather was picking him up. I am clearly very embarrassing.

It did make me think through how I am seen through the eyes of my children. I'm the same age as you and would never leave the house without a bra (but then I have huge norks) and I do care about what I wear.

My ex boyfriend (note the ex) told me that he was embarrassed to be seen with me because I am fat. OK at a size 14 I could lose weight and started by losing his 11 stone. I dress to please myself although as I said above my children clearly do care what I do/look like at the schoolgate so don't do anything or wear anything outrageously different.

redskyatnight · 16/05/2014 13:17

I don't think any of those are particularly an indication that you have let yourself go.

My hair is going grey and I'm not dying it - it's clean and presented in a neat way - what's the issue?

Ditto clothes - I decided a couple of years ago that I have too many clothes and will wear what I have rather than buying new. Just because something is old doesn't mean you look scruffy.

... of course if you're not washing or brushing your hair and your clothes are rags, then you may have taken it too far - but that's not the message I was getting, just that you're not going to go the extra mile?

DamnBamboo · 16/05/2014 13:18

If you are happy not doing those things (wearing a bra, colouring hair etc) then it's fine.

Doesn't sound as though you prefer it - more along the lines of you can't be arsed. Which isn't quite the same thing.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/05/2014 13:22

Well if it makes you happy......

Personally I couldn't. I take care of myself and my appearance and not for anyone else but for me.

Same regarding weight really and you should do that for your own health - it may be a few stone now but where are you going to draw the line. Weight creeps on so easily before you know it you may have 5 stone to lose and then you will start getting problems.

Up to you though, no one can tell you how to live your life but if you were at peace with that decision I don't think you would be on here asking for justification. Maybe you just can't be bothered rather than being happy with it.

Sazzle41 · 16/05/2014 13:22

Caring about your appearance is related to self esteem. Its often the first thing to go when people are depressed. I always feel better when my hair is tended and i have made an effort with clothes/basic make up. You do sound fed up FWIW. You are 40 not 60! Large bosoms do not look good unfettered and jiggling either.

HolidayCriminal · 16/05/2014 13:27

Stopped wearing a bra

We had a whole thread about that. I can't understand how braless is comfortable esp. if you are overweight, but to each their own.

Let at least 2 inches of grey come through on my roots before reluctantly putting a home dye on it.

Why not just let it go gray? Looks better than 2 inches fray with dye below.

Don't care anymore that I am too fat

Being fat is pretty normal now, nothing interesting or odd.

Hardly ever buy clothes

definitely normal for middle age!!

My mum is lovely but has made a few comments along the line of I mustn't let myself go!

I suggest smile & ignore.

HolidayCriminal · 16/05/2014 13:27

(stupid autocorrect gray to fray)

BolshierAyraStark · 16/05/2014 13:37

If it was a case of this is me & I'm happy with my appearance then I'd say good on you but your post indicates it's more of a cant be arsed & fed up with it all theme.
You don't sound very happy, maybe a little effort could improve that?

Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 13:45

Thanks for the replies!

Interesting that there does seem to be a split, with some people thinking it's fine and others not.

This isn't about hygiene or cleanliness, I wash dry and put my hair up each dY and of course shower, teeth and clean clothes. It's just that as time goes on I struggle to want to 'improve' myself above and beyond what I naturally seem to be, if that makes sense.

If someone could wave a wand and make me look and feel as I did at, say 20, of course I would!! But that would be because I had not gone through the ravages of childbirth a number of times and picked up a few chronic health conditions along the way ( neither linked to my weight in my way).

OP posts:
juneau · 16/05/2014 13:49

Well I'm the opposite of you. Having turned 40 I think I make more of an effort, because I don't want to be fat, frumpy and 40! I suppose its whatever makes you happy, but being those things would make me profoundly unhappy, whereas making an effort to look nice makes me feel good. Are you happy? Do you look in the mirror and really feel okay about the way you look, or do you look at other 40-year-olds and think 'Christ, I really would prefer to look like her'. Because maintaining yourself as you get older DOES take a bit more effort, but IMO its worth it. Perhaps you don't feel like that, in which case its okay. Just don't expect everyone to feel as you do!

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 14:13

I care more now at 45 than I did at 40

I was the op at age 40

But now I've lost the weight and discovered a love of fitness and healthiness! I do the hair/nails/clothes thing and I'm so glad I have!

My teens are proud of me and last bank holiday watched me run a half marathon. I care how my dc will remember me

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/05/2014 14:15

It's up to you really. As you say, it's not related to hygiene at all.

I don't see a massive issue with it.

Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 14:17

Running marathons is great but only if you don't end up with knack erred knees Wink!

I hope my kids will remember me for who I am inside, rather than the packaging!!

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 16/05/2014 14:21

"I hope my kids will remember me for who I am inside, rather than the packaging!!"

Of course you do, but surely you wouldnt want to be the one whose kids are teased because their mum looks like their granny.

deXavia · 16/05/2014 14:29

I have to say I care more now at 43 and with the kids that little bit older. When they were tiny I considered it an achievement to shower!
Bras for me are soooo much more comfortable than not, my hair is low maintenance but we'll cut and I have forced myself to exercise (and pleasantly surprised with the results and I've ended up enjoying it)

Seriously not an issue if it doesn't bother you but like so many life choices some people will judge. If you are truly comfortable in the choice you can "let it go" to steal a phrase....

gordyslovesheep · 16/05/2014 14:33

your choice but to me you don't sound happy

I am 44 and fat - I used to be 21 and a size 4 - but life is too bloody short to be defeated by being a bit older and bigger

Life is still there to be grasped with both hands and enjoyed

I am fit, healthy and I take care of myself - because I would feel depressed if i gave up all together