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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let myself go"...?

136 replies

Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 12:51

I recently turned fourty.

Over a period of about five years, I have....

Stopped wearing a bra unless 100% necessary ie flimsy see through dress etc

Let at least 2 inches of grey come through on my roots before reluctantly putting a home dye on it.

Don't care anymore that I am too fat, tried so many times to lose it and not fat enough to kill me I hope ( few stone overweight)

Hardly ever buy clothes, partly due to lack of cash but also I just cannot be arsed.

For context I spent wetware puberty and 35 being very concerned with clothes, hair, fashion etc but to be honest, am now with DP who himself is not a very romantic individual ( he wasn't even when I was a pert and well groomed size eight!) whatnis actually the point?!

My mum is lovely but has made a few comments along the line of I mustn't let myself go!

OP posts:
Ioethe · 16/05/2014 14:37

I think it's called "being comfortable in your skin". Enjoy :)

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/05/2014 15:59

I expect someone will correct me if I'm wrong op, but as far as I'm aware, there isn't a link between running and increased risk of arthritis, however there is a link between obesity and arthritis Wink

KiaOraOAotearoa · 16/05/2014 16:09

The point is: first time they meet/see you, people don't see what you are on the inside, they see someone who can't be bothered. And they reflect your own image back at you. Fine if that's what you're after. :)

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 16:32

why would I get 'knackered knees'....I'm not overweight! irun propely with a club for advice.that made me laugh tho

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 16:33

im a role model to my dd'sand am delighted that one has also taken up fitness

fromparistoberlin73 · 16/05/2014 16:38

if you are happy well, great

but I am 40 and I still take care , well some days!!!

mainky because it boosts self esteem

noddyholder · 16/05/2014 16:41

Looking a bit of a mess is ok imo as long as you really are ok with it After all it is just someone elses rules we are all following in that dept. But being a few stone overweight in your 40s needs tackling

IrianofWay · 16/05/2014 16:41

Of course you aren't. If that is genuinely OK and you are happy.

I have never been particularly well-groomed but I have found that I feel more inclined to make the effort now as I get older, saggier and wrinklier. I could get away with windswept and 'natural' when I was younger and slimmer. I don't make a big dea about it but I do keep my hair cut well (no grey yet and I'm 49 ), I try to exercise and watch my diet and I put on a little make-up most days. But the thing is I am doing it so I feel good, not because I feel I should. If that isn't the case for you then don't worry about it

melika · 16/05/2014 16:43

I'm 49 and I get my hair done about every two months, coloured and cut, I carry a few stone too many but try and hide it well with new clothes now and then. I definitely wear a bra!! For my sake, not anybody elses. I do try to keep up with looking ok for my age.

My DH is not at all vain and doesn't do all the grooming the younger men do these days, but I do as I feel is right, for my sake, not his.

A little effort, may encourage him too.

kinsorange · 16/05/2014 16:44

You didnt answer the question from TheCowThatLaughs.
and do you need to meet people to make a first at least good impression? [becuase though most of us may not wish it, first impressions do count]

kinsorange · 16/05/2014 16:45

I get though the bit about your husband isnt bothered. Some aren't.

badtime · 16/05/2014 16:47

The thing with self esteem and appearance is that it varies between people. For some, being overly concerned with how they look is a sign of low self-esteem, for other lack of care signifies the same.

OP, if you genuinely don't care, then YANBU. If you do actually mind, but don't want to admit it, then YABU - it would be much better for you to be proactive about your appearance.

I do think you should just let your hair go grey if you can't be bothered getting your roots done, though.

MitziKinsky · 16/05/2014 16:57

What's the big deal with being over 40? I'm 41 and don't look much different to how I did when I was 20 (if you ignore the crows feet). I do dye my hair, but would let roots grow and dart again..... I'd rather cut it short and go grey.
I don't understand how anyone can be comfy without a bra and I'm not massive ( 34dd).
But then I love havingu haircut/buying a flattering new dress or trying a new nail varnish occasionally. It's fun.
I still feel like I'm 20 physically and mentally (I do protest quite a lot when I have to be a proper grown up) and so there is no way I'm going to be adopting elasticated waists anytime soon.

MewlingQuim · 16/05/2014 17:16

Is it a case of wanting to let yourself go or just wanting to do what you want?

As I get older I seem to be regressing to the 'I don't give a fuck' attitude of my teens (grown up Goth), but I express it in a different way.

I spent years dying my hair various colours but I refuse to dye it boring brown like other women my age, so I let my hair go grey instead. If others don't like it, tough shit.

I hate most women's fashion and its awful scratchy fabrics, so I wear what I am comfortable in but I do try not to look like a slob. Today I am wearing leggings and a dress/tunic top, feels as comfy as wearing pyjamas but I still look smart enough for work.

I also hate bras. I used wear them only for work and take it off the minute I walked in the front door, dh would find them draped over the sofa or in the kitchen. Now I wear non-wired or crop top style ones. much more comfy and no need to let my boobs hang round my knees Grin

unrealhousewife · 16/05/2014 17:29

I've just turned fifty and need to hoik up my own self- judgy pants which get larger every year. Would love to hear how others did it. I am trying positive self talk as I came to the conclusion recently that I do actually deserve to be fit and healthy. I used to think I didn't. Perhaps op that is a good place to start?

My problem is an extreme love of good food and a tendency towards all or nothing pacing, I am flat out busy or flat out in bed.

HappyAgainOneDay · 16/05/2014 17:32

I care what I look like. I broke an arm a fortnight ago and my worst nightmare is not being able to wear clothes that need two hands to put on. I cannot do my hair beyond brush it. I cannot wash it properly. I cannot curl it up. I cannot put eyeliner on.

Make the most of what you have.

PassTheCakeitsbeenatough1 · 16/05/2014 17:37

I would say you do what makes you happy - if you're comfortable in your own skin then that's the solution, it's not about 'letting yourself go' it's about letting yourself relax. I think it's only an issue if it's a self esteem issue, if you are genuinely happy then there is no problem.

You do need to listen to others around you though, if your mum made a comment then perhaps you don't seem all that happy with it. Maybe she thinks you seem unhappy and is questioning if you have stopped making an effort as a symptom of something more.

I'm getting less bothered as I get older too, I think that's natural.

somewherewest · 16/05/2014 17:41

Once someone is clean, presentable and healthyish who cares? I don't wear make-up and let my legs go unshaved half the time. DH genuinely doesn't seem to care. I hate all the pressure on women to wage a constant war against ageing.

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 17:46

I actually don't see stopping wearing a bra and letting yourself stay overweight as 'ageing' though Confused

NoImSpartacus · 16/05/2014 17:47

Agree with MitziKinsky. Being 40 (I will be in 2 months) doesn't mean you have to let yourself go. I honestly look the best I have ever looked..

I love looking good, because it makes me feel good, I enjoy looking after myself, getting my hair done, going to the gym, eating healthily, etc.

Of course if you want to 'let yourself go' that is your choice, but I think that could be the road to obesity and bad health, and just a feeling of general 'meh-ness'.

Oldraver · 16/05/2014 17:51

I hate this whole attitude of if you dont spend forever tarting yourself up then you are letting yourself go.

I would call it ageing gracefully.... going with the flow....being happy with yourself...

So long as you are clean, dont smell etc then you are not letting yourselg go

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 17:53

you don't need to spend forever though...takes 2 mins top to put on a bra!

noddyholder · 16/05/2014 17:54

I don't see it as letting yourself go at all I just don't do it and put myself through a never ending process just to look ok but I am 49 this year so thats why. I think relaxing about ageing and change is natural its fighting it that isn't as it is so much harder!

DavidArchersBoa · 16/05/2014 17:56

Well if you are happy with that, then knock yourself out. Each to their own I say.

But it's not for me, feels too much like giving up.

This is my mantra:

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

grumpasaur · 16/05/2014 17:58

I wouldn't.

I just saw a picture of my two aunties (who pride themselves in not giving a fuck, very loudly) and my grandma (who has never stopped given a fuck, despite the fact she is 81. She looks younger than her daughters!