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AIBU?

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Original poster

To "let myself go"...?

136 replies

Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 12:51

I recently turned fourty.

Over a period of about five years, I have....

Stopped wearing a bra unless 100% necessary ie flimsy see through dress etc

Let at least 2 inches of grey come through on my roots before reluctantly putting a home dye on it.

Don't care anymore that I am too fat, tried so many times to lose it and not fat enough to kill me I hope ( few stone overweight)

Hardly ever buy clothes, partly due to lack of cash but also I just cannot be arsed.

For context I spent wetware puberty and 35 being very concerned with clothes, hair, fashion etc but to be honest, am now with DP who himself is not a very romantic individual ( he wasn't even when I was a pert and well groomed size eight!) whatnis actually the point?!

My mum is lovely but has made a few comments along the line of I mustn't let myself go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 18:03

Thanks for all the comments

Re running and knee damage, I suppose I was referring to my own experience of having 3 or four friends / family who have taken up running ( two of them with a club so I assume having decent guidance) and within a. Few years having knee joint problems which in all but one case requires keyhole surgery to repair. Osteoarthritis can be caused by 'use' of a joint over time ( even in health people) so it seemed to make sense to me that if you use that joint a lot more then it could develop issues? Anyhow I certainly agree that being overweight is probably an equal if not bigger risk factor.

The bra thing really does interest me, as there seems such a cultural brainwashing that we should be wearing them! I totally get that if you have a large bust you may need/ want support but placing wires etc under your breasts day in day out....well I just found it uncomfortable and yes I have been measured 'properly' etc.. My boobs are only 36 C so maybe that's why I have gotten away with not wearing bras, and my boobs certainly don't 'swing' or 'go done to my knees'.

I get that a lot of woman like being coiffed and to stay really slim, have regular hair DP's etc but would question whether me not doing/ being interested in all this anymore should make people look at me and think I have poor self esteem, or am a slob or don't care etc?

I have been surprised by the number of posters expressing this view but also heartened that some feel it means I am happy in my skin as that is closer to how I feel. Smile

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 16/05/2014 18:06

If you are happy that way, then fine, but IMO, grey roots look god awful, whereas completely grey hair that's well maintained tends to look good. If you are going to dye it, then do it regularly, if you aren't going to do it regularly, don't bother at all (it won't be fun while it grows out, or you can have the colour removed, but it'll look far better in the long run).

If you are overweight, then you should be wearing a bra, unless you've also stopped caring about getting measured and wearing bras that don't fit you. If they do fit you, they'll help support the weight and avoid hurting your back and shoulders, it's not about your tits looking good, but supporting that weight. Measure yourself, (look in style and beauty for one of the bra intervention threads where they explain how to measure) see what bra you should be wearing, and see if that is more comfy that not wearing one.

If you are carrying significantly more weight than you should, it'll hurt your knees and joints far more than running the occasional half marathon.

Basically, if you are happy and aren't just giving up because you're depressed, fine, i'm not giving up easily on my looks, 40 is far too young to decide you're done with being sexy.

MaryWestmacott · 16/05/2014 18:09

(oh and when you got measured, was it in M&S? They don't know what they are doing, wired bras shouldn't dig in, if they do, it's the wrong size. If you really don't like them, there are lots of unwired bras anyway, and they will help your back if you have the right size, if not, it won't help, and gaining/losing 2-3lbs can change your bra size).

Georgina1975 · 16/05/2014 18:09

I would be careful about getting overweight for health reasons.

My DP (59 this year) had a stent fitted last year and was diagnosed with diabetes. He has never smoked, reasonable about eating & drinking, quite fit and probably 1/2 stone overweight at time of diagnosis.

They think the diabetes might well have caused the arteries to fur over a long period of time.

We met quite a few people in hospital around 60 who were told that problems could well have been creeping up for 15/20 years. Most of them were like my DP - not significantly overweight so you think that they had an issue that need addressing.

I am a lot younger and what we've been through has really galvanised me to step it up a bit in terms of health and fitness.

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 18:11

wires? underwired or sports bras? ive never had wired bra's. its not cultural brainwashing

my parents have been dancers for years,and now teach,no knee damage so far...40 years in....maybe your friends are unlucky as the running community is growing,just wish obesity was dwindling!

Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 18:11

But Mary I actively disliked wearing bras and love the freedom of not wearing one!!!

Also there was a study out last year that looked at bra usage vs non usage and the outcome was bras do not prevent sagging whatsoever!!

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 16/05/2014 18:14

Part of caring about yourself is taking care of yourself.

I'm not saying be vain, but it is important to be well groomed and to take some pride in yourself.

The important thing is that you're confident in your appearance and that you feel good about it. If you fit both those things and it's not just a "good enough" attitude, then more power to you. But if you have self esteem issues or think you don't look good and this is just a "fuck it" approach, that's not healthy for you.

specialsubject · 16/05/2014 18:15

none of it a problem unless the 'few stone' is a health issue, in which case something could be done.

'grey roots look godawful' - that is a matter of opinion, not fact.

not wasting time buying clothes - good one!

MaryWestmacott · 16/05/2014 18:16

But it's not about sagging, it's about supporting/spreading the weight so it's not a strain on you back, a properly fittign bra should do that. (Or look for vest with support in them, but I reckon a pile of sports bras would be better). Up to you, but it's not just about sexy underwear and making your norks look good in tops.

In the same way that keeping fit is not just about being able to wear a smaller dress size, but also about keeping your body healthy.

If you have only thought about these things in terms of their effect on your appearance, then perhaps you won't see that for a lot of woman who do these arent doing them for their appearance reasons, but for health reasons.

(and go grey completely, grey roots with obvious dyed hair will look a lot worse than just stopping the dye)

noddyholder · 16/05/2014 18:16

It does take longer as you get older to do all the maintenance though it is a PITA

DavidArchersBoa · 16/05/2014 18:17

I'm sorry but not wearing a bra after a certain age makes me cringe. It just makes evetrhing about you look frumpy and lumpy and ugh.

I HATE seeing women not wearing a bra. Kid yourself all you like that nobody can tell because you're not that big, but everyone can tell and it looks awful. Your clothes don't set right, it drags everything downwards and you look unkempt because of it.

There. I've said it

parentalunit · 16/05/2014 18:18

Do your own thing. Not a problem to have old clothes etc, but they should be clean! Ditto hair.

It might help to stop resisting ageing (dying hair etc) and go with the flow. Cut short, let it be gray (can look lovely in my opinion, I love grey hair that looks sparkly with the white bits in there).

I do think a couple of stone is too much extra weight to carry. For your health, try to incorporate a bit of exercise and eat healthily.

Good luck, enjoy the aging process :) It is happening to us all!

Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 18:18

I believe that the body is designed and capable of supporting the bobs though, I get no back pain whatsoever!!!!

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 16/05/2014 18:19

specialsubject, yes a matter of opinion, but generally, the woman I see with obvious roots look scruffy and like they don't care, whereas woman with totally grey hair styled in the same way will look far more stylish IMO.

I tend to think hair dying like painting your nails, is best if you do it well or not at all - chipped nail varnish tends to look far scruffier than non-painted nails, either do it and keep up the maintenance or don't bother.

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 18:20

for me its friction from clothing on the nipples! that's why I wear one

Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 18:22

Joules I agree with that, I do wear well fitting cami tops under me clothes to prevent this and nipples showing through lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 18:22

MY clothes not me clothes!!

OP posts:
kinsorange · 16/05/2014 18:26

Re the not being fat enough to kill you.
I always think that it is the bit in between that people can forget about. All the problems that can come about that makes life a lot more uncomfortable in the later decades of life[realises that they can come about anyway, but people, especially younger ones think something will either kill you or you will be A ok, with nothing in between!]

I think that you sound confident enough, unless you are glossing over things.

I think that on the whole, there are more people than there used to be letting themselves go.

Does it bother you that your DP is unromantic?

DavidArchersBoa · 16/05/2014 18:26

A "well fitting cami" does not negate what i said at 18:17

There's a diffrence between deciding not to enhance yourself (nails, dying hair) which I can understand. It is a PITA. And looking unkempt. Which, with the roots and the no bra thing. I think you might do.

soory! Blush

Joules68 · 16/05/2014 18:31

so at what age are we supposed to embrace crimplene? or is it crimpolene?

CMP69 · 16/05/2014 18:32

I'm 45 and find the older I get the more effort I put in. Better skincare, nicer clothes, regular haircuts. It's important to me to look nice and it's much bloody harder now than at 19 Angry

Floisme · 16/05/2014 18:34

As long as you are healthy and happy, who cares? And I say that as someone over 50, who spends far too much time on the Style and Beauty threads!

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 16/05/2014 18:35

I know exactly where you are coming from OP. As long as you are happy and comfortable in your own skin, it's no-one else's business what you wear and look, as long as you are clean, neat and your appearance is appropriate for your work. I don't think you are alone either.

I have never taken any pride in my appearance though, even as a teenager. I was teased and bullied by kids at school and my family (including my mother) all taunted me for being ugly, so I have always seen myself as an ugly woman. I have some makeup for use in job interviews and that's it. I never wear a bra round the house, only for being seen in public, particularly since I have very prominent nipples. If I was slim enough I wouldn't wear a bra in public, as I hate them but sadly I am not. If I lose enough weight - which I hope to following recent knee surgery (I used to be a pro athlete in my 20's and my body is pretty worn out) - then I will wear bras as little as possible. Each to their own - I also never wear wired bras.

I am mid 40's but no grey yet, though for work I have highlights as they help my hair get less greasy so less washing. I agree with the others who have said it may be nicer to have an all over grey style than having to bother touching it up. People may make the wrong assumptions and think you may be depressed if you used to take pride in your appearance, but do no longer, which may be annoying in itself.

Apart from work suits, I only have gym clothes which are comfy round the house. I don't go out socially, but if I lose weight I may buy a few bits and pieces suitable for wearing to a uni course I hope to restart in Sept.

AdoraBell · 16/05/2014 18:39

Well done on that weight loss Llareggub Grin

OP as has already been said, if you feel genuinely happy as you are then nothing needs to change.

I personally don't like hair with a couple of inches of root showing but that is because it reminds me of cheap bleached blonde with dark roots growing on the younger women where I lived and partied in my 20's.

Grey is not a problem, if you felt inclined to not have the contrast between the dyed colour and your grey you could use a semi permanent dye to lessen the difference while it's growing out, if you wish to.

Fwiw I hate the term "let myself/herself go" , for me it harks back to a time when women were almost obliged to be married because we couldn't possibly get through life without someone to take care of usHmm

Not wanting to be petite, dressed up and made up is not a problem in itself.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/05/2014 18:40

OP if you had just said all this with no reference to your DP, then I wouldn't raise an eyebrow. However the fact that he's an unromantic sod whether you've made all the effort or none, makes me wonder whether you aren't trying too hard to convince yourself that this is how you want to live your life.

I don't make an effort for my husband, I do it for myself. I'm not talking mega effort - just a good haircut, skincare, reasonably healthy eating and some exercise, nice clothes that flatter me (including a good bra!!).

Methinks the lady doth protest too much Wink