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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To "let myself go"...?

136 replies

Verynovicegardener · 16/05/2014 12:51

I recently turned fourty.

Over a period of about five years, I have....

Stopped wearing a bra unless 100% necessary ie flimsy see through dress etc

Let at least 2 inches of grey come through on my roots before reluctantly putting a home dye on it.

Don't care anymore that I am too fat, tried so many times to lose it and not fat enough to kill me I hope ( few stone overweight)

Hardly ever buy clothes, partly due to lack of cash but also I just cannot be arsed.

For context I spent wetware puberty and 35 being very concerned with clothes, hair, fashion etc but to be honest, am now with DP who himself is not a very romantic individual ( he wasn't even when I was a pert and well groomed size eight!) whatnis actually the point?!

My mum is lovely but has made a few comments along the line of I mustn't let myself go!

OP posts:

DavidArchersBoa · 17/05/2014 17:52

Where did I say I know noddy? The op seemed to know for certain that she's got away with not wearing one. I was pointing out that she won't have got away with it as people tend to notice these things.

Whether she decides to still go braless, that's up to her. As I said.

She asked if SWBU. I said that yes, in this respect, I think she is. Thought that's what happened here?

DavidArchersBoa · 17/05/2014 17:53

And I'm wondering why thinking that a middle aged overweight woman should wear a bra is absurd. Pretty mainstream I would've though. Well it is in these parts

Suzannewithaplan · 17/05/2014 18:25

I see men with rather large breasts who dont feel the need to constrain them in any way.

As to whether the OP has 'got away with' bra lessness I'm not sure anyone can logically dispute that without specifying what exactly she means.
What postulated consequences of going bra-less has she avoided?

Just to be clear I am not trying to make a case for or against wearing a bra, my personal preference is to wear one.

trashcanjunkie · 17/05/2014 19:36

I know that if I feel that I look crap, it's a catch 22 for me. I cannot do huge maintenance tasks, but I don't like getting a shock when I look in the mirror, so some stuff must be done (for me personally)

I hate the feelings of bras. I hate seeing my braless knockers. Go figure.

Almostfifty · 17/05/2014 19:40

If your bra is correctly fitted, you won't feel it.

As regards not wearing one, I remember being on holiday last year and walking past a girl who was much, much younger than me. Her boobs were round her waist. Not attractive in the slightest. Give me at least a look of them being where they should be.

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/05/2014 19:45

The oy thing I would do diffrent is to get a grey hair dye, an all over colour will look better than roots.

HoVis2001 · 17/05/2014 19:55

But, Almost fifty, 'where they [breasts] should be' is a subjective one - though the current consensus is one that is very much culturally constructed towards them being in a bra. But, at the end of athe day, the OP's breasts are hers to do with as she likes.

I think a comparable issue may be shaving legs / armpits. Culturally speaking in the UK women are generally expected to shave their armpits. But, that isn't an absolute law, and if a woman wants to, heck, let nature have its way (as it seems perfectly acceptable to do with their bodies), I don't really see anything wrong with that.

OP, if you're comfortable and happy, that's what matters. Out of complete curiosity do you ever wear camisoles with 'shelves' in them? (Like an extra layer of fabric for a tiny bit of support). I love them but haven't been able to find any recently - I can only seem to find ones with nothing or with integral bras.

MooncupGoddess · 17/05/2014 19:57

You sound fine, OP! There are so many more interesting things in life than fussing over one's appearance.

HoVis2001 · 17/05/2014 19:59

*bah, inside the brackets I meant to say 'as it seems acceptable for men to do with their bodies'.

Suzannewithaplan · 17/05/2014 20:10

I agree that men aren't expected to enhance their bodies to the same extent, Hovis, but letting nature have it's way
omigosh, taken to it's logical (if absurd) conclusion that could be pretty unpleasant

(I know you didnt mean it like that )

trashcanjunkie · 17/05/2014 20:16

almostfifty I have heard this magical fable before, but I have enormous jugs and narrow ribs/back. I don't see how that is physically possible. I agree m&s are rubbish. Bravissimo stuff I find crippling. I measure myself by eye for most comfort but I certainly feel it. There's approx two stones of tits being held up yes I have weighed them

MeganChips · 17/05/2014 20:43

It sounds like you're desperate to be old OP.

I'm the same age as you and I want to look the best I can. My appearance is important to me because if I look good, I feel good. Wearing a bra is not obligatory but you will likely look older and fatter without one.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you're happy in your skin then do as you please. You won't look or maybe even feel as good as you could but if you don't care, why should anyone else?

Are you sure this isn't a protest of some sort regarding your relationship? If not and you're happy then I wish you well.

HoVis2001 · 17/05/2014 21:19

Suzannewithaplan

I once knew a boy (we were both teens at the time, if that gives him a free pass at all...) who claimed he had perfected the art of allowing his hair to "wash itself" in its natural greases. He had achieved this by only washing his hair with water for a month.

I know you know what I meant, but to elaborate - I think it's good for all people, male or female, to 'look after themselves' to a certain extent, i.e. personal hygiene, staying fit and healthy, being appropriately dressed and tidy when in a work / formal context. But I do find it frustrating that there are certain things that it's almost unacceptable for a woman not to do (i.e. shave her armpits/legs, wear makeup, wear a bra at all times), whilst men happily go through life without these pressures.

In the interests of disclosure, I am a scary hairy feminist who never wears makeup, sometimes goes bra-less in certain clothes, and maybe shave once every four months. I think this is probably 'letting myself go' a la the original OP but I don't think I look like a complete slob. That said I do adore nice clothes and getting 'dressed up', but I'm less worried about altering my actual body in accordance with societal norms IYSWIM?

WitchWay · 17/05/2014 22:14

You need to care about your appearance IMO, for your own self-esteem, but not necessarily to conform to the "norm" or to fashionable trends.

I don't wear a bra very often at all - if I do then it's a fancy one designed to be seen. I am slim with small boobs. And nearly 49.

fatlazymummy · 18/05/2014 00:59

I've recently started wearing those elasticated bra tops without wires. I might replace all my bras with them.
I've got to be honest, I think most women look better wearing a bra. I personally wouldn't set foot outside my front door without one on, unless I had a thick coat on.
I'm not really sure why the OP asked if she was being unreasonable or not - it's entirely reasonable to look and dress the way you want to. As long as your privates are covered and you have an acceptable standard of hygiene what would it matter what other people think?

LibraryMum8 · 18/05/2014 02:28

I am 50 and keep myself up. I do it for myself but dh benefits from it. If you are happy as you are, then it's your business. If you aren't happy about it then maybe time to start working on it. 40 is VERY young to feel old. You have a 'lot of good years left' to look good if you want it!

chrome100 · 18/05/2014 06:54

I have never owned a bra. I wear those crop top things for running at all times. They are far more comfy and supportive and, I think, make my boobs look better.

Fathertedfan · 18/05/2014 08:37

I've gone through phases, throughout my nearly 50 years of caring about my appearance less. Some years I'll not have a hair cut (long straight hair so not that much of an issue) and my weight creeps up a couple of stone. Looking back on photos I'm never really happy with myself when I'm heavier and not making myself a priority, since Christmas I've got the weight off and am back on track and healthy. My mother is in her late eighties and is very interested in fashion and always has perfect regularly dyed hair. She goes clothes shopping every week (in a wheelchair as mobility is a problem) and always comes home with something from M & S and Wallis, which are her favourite stores, and new shoes from Clarks. She's very critical of 'old lady clothes' and has a thing about white cardigans, which she thinks is the ultimate old lady crime. It's my mother's influence that makes me take control of my weight, smarten up and make the best of myself.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2014 10:01

Anyone would think, from reading this thread, that wearing a bra is some obscure, minority perversion.

thebear1 · 18/05/2014 11:01

I would try to maintain a certain level, so wear a bra would be a basic. I would not dye hair but would have a decent cut.

I love my mum very much but as a teen she had a , 'feature' I was embarrassed by. It impacted on where I would go with her etc. Shallow, but thats teens.

sarahquilt · 18/05/2014 11:51

I think it's important for your feeling of well - being to try and look nice. Sometimes I feel like I can't be bothered but I always try and make an effort. Bra is non - negotiable! It's only acceptable to go without if you have tiny A cup boobs. I try not to over eat and try to always look ok. I could probably wear more make-up but how and ever.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2014 12:54

We had a whole thread about that. I can't understand how braless is comfortable esp. if you are overweight, but to each their own.

being overweight doesn't make not wearing a bra uncomfortable

I have been both overweight & ideal weight, being braless makes no different to comfort.

Although I was never in a position to do it in public, but I often went (and still go) braless at home.

fatlazymummy · 18/05/2014 13:36

When I was overweight I found it more comfortable to wear a bra, because without one my breasts would rest on my torso (not quite to my waist though), resulting in an uncomfortable rash. A bra would lift them away from the skin. It would have to fit properly though - a too tight bra is really uncomfortable.
I definitely agree with the point of making an effort for one's children's sake. I have 2 teenagers ,and that does help to motivate me to make an effort, both for health and appearance sake.

moomin35 · 18/05/2014 16:06

Can i ask what do you mean Montegomongoose?

Montegomongoose · 18/05/2014 16:24

I meant that if you don't demonstrate that you respect yourself, then you can't be surprised if people don't respect you, especially in a professional environment.

Letting yourself go is often a sign of something deeper. Self esteem is crucial. I think the OP sounds like hers is slipping.

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