Am I selfish about holiday

[desperatedino]

We have a holiday booked in July to the med for me, DH, and our 3 DC.

I have been looking forward to this in ages as we really don't spend much family time together.

DH has just announced that SIL is going to be joining us, all this was arranged without my consent, I told DH I was hoping it could be just us and he went off on one completely saying I was selfish and it's his holiday too.

I don't dislike SIL but she is a drama queen and caused a row when she came away with us before.

So AIBU to just want us on holiday?

[iseenodust]

He can feel sorry for his sister and ask respect his wife by asking 'would it be a good idea to ask SIL to join them?'. He's just been deceitful and is now stropping.

[expatinscotland]

Why assume she is going to be available for childcare? She's coming for a holiday, not as a babysitter ?

[YouTheCat]

You just know that OP will end up being the childcare whilst him and his sister go out though. I can see it happening.

[WitchWay]

My recently-widowed mum came on a fortnight's holiday with us after our discussing it fully first - in fact it was my DH's idea.

It was bloody awful, changed the dynamic completely & is never ever ever going to happen again!

[paxtecum]

Softly, he is putting himself and his sister before his wife.

He and his sister are more important than his wife.

So bollocks to the sister possibly babysitting.

Op can suck it up like you suggest or make a stand, which may have consequences and result in changes.

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Can you ? youthecat do you know the family personally?

If it was his best mate or a family friend I could understand.

The op gets on with SIL.

There was no discussion on the matter as the dh already knew what the outcome would be - which I think is actually the problem .

Maybe he sees 'family' time as him spending time with his actual family?

This won't be the last holiday op goes on. All this drama and nastiness because he dared to invite his sister with out his wife's permission.

If it was the op that had asked her db or dsis and the dh was kicking off and threatening to stop the kids going, every one would be screaming LTB and that he is controlling and abusive.

[Ewieindwie1]

I've been reading this feeling very sorry for you op. foul situation and unfair. You are right to want some time just with your partner and the children. I try to sort that every year too and we get to know each other again. It's different with other people around.

Are you calm enough to write things down and then speak to your Sil on the phone? Point out that you are keen to put your relationship high on the holiday agenda and that you would appreciate her support and some space?

Also, you've said a couple of times that he is not normally like this. What's changed? Why do his siblings/parents come first? You are his SO, life partner, lover and you want him to be on your side not against you.

I really sympathise. Good luck and stay calm. (Easy to say I know)

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Yes op you must make a stand and LTB.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

iseenodust has the answer.
Or take your boyfriend [ink]

Even if it's desirable over my dead body to have someone else on your holiday. Even if he feels sorry for her and should invite her, it's pretty outrageous to do so without consultation. Even more so when he clearly knew you'd be unhappy about it.

[OhCobblers]

You've missed the point softlysoftly, he deliberately didn't ask the OP because he knows that she wouldn't agree. He planned it, hid it from her and pretty much presented it as a fait accompli and is now behaving like a bully and threatening to cancel because the OP is not happy about it BUT he doesn't care about her feelings. OP does not have to put up with being treated like crap.

the pain in the arse SIL will probably not want to babysit either and for that I wouldn't blame her. But then if I was her I wouldn't be going on holiday with them anyway without checking with OP.

[expatinscotland]

How do we know? OP says they have not had time together as a family in a long time. She says the SIL is a drama llama who starts rows.

So he can go on holiday with her.

[catsmother]

I personally wouldn't care if the proposed holiday companion was Mary bloody Poppins personified - he should still have consulted OP before asking anyone else !

Let's be realistic - who would want to go on holiday and be stuck looking after someone else's children for several nights ? .... I'd be astonished if that's her motivation for wanting to come.

And even if she was willing to do that ... does it really make up for OP's DH being so damned dismissive and disrespectful towards her ? Not to mention the fact she'd have to be factored in to each day's plans - having to co-ordinate leaving times, finding something everyone wants to do, not being able to have private conversations etc ..... which is yet another reason why OP should have been consulted as having to cater to the wants/needs of an extra body could potentially change everything. She doesn't sound like the sort of person who'd passively go along with whatever you wanted to do if she's the sort to "go running to her mum" if she doesn't get her own way does she ?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

softly did you mss the bit where the op says she doesn't want to go n holiday with her SIL?
Or that she's been sobbing about it? Or that her dh knew she wouldn't like it and that's why he didn't tell her? Or the art where the op says she gets on "ok" with her SIL? (rather than gets on very well)
Surely everyone knows that holidaying with friends or extended family can be awkward. Ppl fall out forever over holiday debacles.

[Whereisegg]

softly I can sort of see what you're saying and it's lovely that you would have no problem with your dh inviting members of his family on your family holiday without telling you.
But the op doesn't feel like that and the fact her dh knew she wouldn't like it so did it behind her back and even lied, is bloody appalling.

[Whereisegg]

x-post with loads of you!

[supersop60]

He is not normally such an arsehole but when it comes to his family they come first.

You and the dcs are his family, surely?

[MrsKoala]

To those saying sit back and let him realise what mistake he has made - i think that is a very risky strategy. They have gone with SIL before and according to OP she caused a row then. So he doesn't seem to have learned from that experience. And what if he has a great time while OP is miserable, all he will learn is he was right.

[clam]

This would be bad enough if he'd just been impetuous and thoughtless and asked SIL on a whim.
But he KNEW the OP would have a major problem with it, and went ahead anyway, keeping it a secret, AND believing all the while that her opinion didn't really count anyway because it's his money that's paying for it.

I would go so far as to say that, if this is his attitude, then the holiday is probably the least of your problems.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Argh, YANBU!

This is about the point I'd be handing him a suitcase and telling him he can go and stay with SiL while he works out whether or not he likes having a wife! It's indefensible.

[MrsKoala]

If the DH's responses had been different i would have been more sympathetic. If he said he's sorry, he just didn't think, but now realises it was wrong to to consult the other adult about who (if anyone) they wanted to accompany them on their once a year family time holiday, but know he's asked, could the OP please try to accommodate SIL and he promises next year a family holiday and he wouldn't do it again etc... I'd probably say try to make the best of it, he's been a berk, but he realises his mistake. But his responses have been really unpleasant and bullying. ANd admitting he knew OP wouldn't like it but did it anyway is a massive slap in the face imo.

[desperatedino]

MrsKoala your right about it being a massive slap in the face. If he had said i'm really sorry I should have asked/discussed it, then it would not have been as bad- still not right though. But the fact that he completely dismissed the way I felt, and the fact that he doesn't want to spend his time with just us.

[OhCobblers]

This would be bad enough if he'd just been impetuous and thoughtless and asked SIL on a whim.
But he KNEW the OP would have a major problem with it, and went ahead anyway, keeping it a secret, AND believing all the while that her opinion didn't really count anyway because it's his money that's paying for it.
I would go so far as to say that, if this is his attitude, then the holiday is probably the least of your problems.

^^^^
Clam has said everything I was trying to, but much more succinctly!

[RedRoom]

I would also be livid. I also think his sister is a bit weird. I would not want to intrude on my brother and SIL's holiday with their children, and am not sure why anyone would think its great to tag along like a gooseberry.

To me, the SIL coming is a whole other issue: it's his decision to deliberately exclude you from big decisions, not care that you are now upset, and effectively lie to you that is the biggie.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Pretty shitty of him to say that if his sister cant holiday with you all, he wont go at all. That is truly a massive slap in the face.


Do you think he was planning to use her as a babysitter so you and him could go out in the evening?

[PestoSunnyissimos]

Please just ring your SIL and explain that your DH hadn't discussed this with you and you really wanted it to be a holiday for your family, away from everybody.

Say to her that you don't mind if she wants to have a separate break away just her & your DH if they want some 'quality' time together, but you don't think this necessitates impacting on your own family holiday.

Tell her, stuff DH!