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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish about holiday

189 replies

desperatedino · 13/05/2014 16:06

We have a holiday booked in July to the med for me, DH, and our 3 DC.

I have been looking forward to this in ages as we really don't spend much family time together.

DH has just announced that SIL is going to be joining us, all this was arranged without my consent, I told DH I was hoping it could be just us and he went off on one completely saying I was selfish and it's his holiday too.

I don't dislike SIL but she is a drama queen and caused a row when she came away with us before.

So AIBU to just want us on holiday?

OP posts:
Pimpf · 13/05/2014 20:12

Softly, I disagree, if a woman came on here saying shed invited her sister on a family holiday without discussing it with her dh she would be told she is being unreasonable.

Fairenuff · 13/05/2014 20:13

He refuses to risk upsetting his sister, but he is perfectly happy to upset his wife.

I think you have more problems than a holiday, OP. He doesn't care about you.

That's it. He is telling you clear as day Sad

PestoSunnyissimos · 13/05/2014 20:14

BTW, my DH once did a similar thing to me whilst on a family week away. Invited his DSis to eat with us without consulting me first and then invited her tto come & stay with us for 'a little break', when we, as a family, had not been away for over 4 years Shock Angry

clam · 13/05/2014 20:19

Actually yes, you could tell him it's up to him whether he upsets his wife or his sister, but that he ought to bear in mind which one he's presumably hoping to have sex with in future.

Igggi · 13/05/2014 20:22

..unless his sister is called Cersei.

dreamingbohemian · 13/05/2014 20:28

YANBU

This may be going out on a limb but -- you say you don't have a lot of family time together. Why is that? Does your husband normally make an effort to spend time with just you and DC? Basically, is this part of a larger problem of your husband not prioritising time with you all?

TheFairyCaravan · 13/05/2014 20:40

I would have gone up the bloody wall if DH had pulled this trick. It is the deceit and the lies that I couldn't live with. In your shoes OP I wouldn't go. Even if it meant staying at home on my own I would because I am a stubborn cow.

My nan was widowed just before I was born, my mum was an only child, and from us being very young my nan holidayed with us. It worked very, very well, but, and it is a massive but, my parents sat down and talked about it and agreed that she should be invited before she was.

BuggersMuddle · 13/05/2014 20:55

I can't understand the - admittedly few - posters suggesting this is a good thing.

If I was going away with a mate (and I have done) then we'd have a conversation to agree:

  • Where we want to go
  • When we want to go
  • How much we want to spend
  • Who's going

Now for example, I went hillwalking with my best friend & we agreed accommodation, who was driving etc. DP was invited but didn't want to come. If my friend had suddenly suggested that he bring was 10 people of varying abilities, I would have been peeved because I get embarrassed about my low walking speed. If he had suddenly suggested that he brought his other mate who I like but who is an ace mountaineer, I would have been peeved (because they are both ace mountaineers and I would have felt like a 3rd wheel).

I think it's worse on a marriage or partnership, but if I'd put money down on a weekend with a friend I wouldn't expect it to radically change. I'm afraid going from nuclear family to inlaws is a radical change for me, as it is for the OP.

My DP's extended family holiday together every year BTW, despite mostly living near each other. Myself and PIL (who are much further away) pitch up for a couple of nights when we can, but do not make that our main holiday.

Bunbaker · 13/05/2014 21:10

I think Softlysoftly is the SIL

SisterMoonshine · 13/05/2014 21:20

I'm also amazed at the cheek of the SIL actually booking the holiday without at least a conversation with you first.

I think you do need to speak to her.

Tansie · 13/05/2014 21:24

My DH is a great bloke- but I had to wrest him from the 'comfort' of a seriously controlling mother!

She and I 'rubbed along' with a few 'issues' between me and DH (or fiancé as maybe he was, then) largely based on him and me leaving our jobs at 5pm Friday, driving the 3 hours up to theirs, then being coolly questioned as to why we'd arrived at 9 pm not 8? Hmm? He never said 'Because Tansie and I, unlike you, bloody well WORK and have OTHER STUFF in our lives, you stupid bitch woman'. And God Forbid we'd try and leave there before 8pm on Sunday- although I'd have to be at work at 8am Monday, 3 hours away... We might be cold shouldered for a week for that transgression (Grin).

Anyway, this all finally reached a head when DS1 was born. It was a difficult time for us, anyway; he wasn't a straight-forward baby and I was an older mum. MIL came 'to help' (and never, ever without her lovely but wholly ineffectual DH and DH's older, bachelor SAH DB in tow- the three of them, joined at the hip). DS howled and howled, she couldn't understand it! What was I doing wrong?? She was such a cow that eventually, 2 weeks of agony in, DH had to be A Man. He had to explain that his loyalties lay with me, not her, and that he'd support me over her if he were forced to choose, and that she'd just have to get her head around it.... Bearing in mind that at our wedding, 2 years prior, MIL came up to me and said 'How wonderful you're joining my family to which I said "Yes, but I see myself and DH as forming our own family separate to you or my parents " (so back off, woman)...

Off they flounced. what followed was a blissful month of radio silence. Then DB called to build bridges, mentioning how 'hurt' mother was- to which DH retorted that he didn't know the facts and that mother needed to respect some boundaries. So, no discussion, or air-clearing followed BUT she sure as hell respected those boundaries after that!

My DH is not a willful or 'strong', opinionated man, but when it counted, he made it clear to his family that his own, chosen, new family was his new loyalty so they'd just better accept it.

It hasn't been plain sailing; with the demise of DH's parents, DBIL (still single) thinks I am a witch but he knows better that to cite it.

Which boils down to the fact the OP has to have 'The Chat' with his family.....

Tansie · 13/05/2014 21:32

For the record, my own mother can be difficult and opinionated (like me!), but, DH mentioned that he might book a holiday cottage for Whitsun and asked me 'With or without nanna? What do you think?'

I could kiss him, He doesn't get on amazingly with my mum but he behaves like an adult and sees that she might like the break; it means we can maybe have a night off at the pub; and that she will inject a different 'note' into the few days off. And she is 80 so won't be here for ever.

This is how it should be. Mutual respect, like I, maybe through gritted teeth, showed his mother til she demanded DH demonstrated preferences... her or ME! And he chose 'her'....that'd be me !Grin

As others have said, sadly, it demonstrates an elephant in the room. It needs sorting.

Wine
2rebecca · 13/05/2014 22:03

I'm the one in our relationship with single extended family members. I'd never invite anyone unless my husband was happy with it though, and I'd never have all our holidays with extended family members.
I would be upset and angry about this, but this is one reason I would never give up my financial independance. I don't want some man talking about doing what he wants with his money.
The SIL sounds a minor issue here though, it's more that the husband has no respect consideration or even affection for his wife and seems to be avoiding spending time alone with her and the kids and doesn't consider her an equal partner in the relationship. Not upsetting his sister is more important to him than not upsetting his wife and kids.
Saying he would upset his wife and kids by cancelling their holiday rather than telling his sister he'd made a mistake and hadn't discussed inviting her, and they prefer to just go as a family to have time together is very screwed up priorities.

HelenHen · 13/05/2014 22:30

Wow! This is messed up! I get on with sils, have been on holiday with them before and have suggested them come with us before... But never ever ever would dh dream of taking it upon himself to invite somebody on our goal without discussing it... Never! And then threatening to cancel? Something's off!

foslady · 13/05/2014 22:36

Unless he is ever going to say the words 'sorry I should have spoke to you 1st' I think this holiday is ruined - if SIL goes you will be unhappy, if she doesn't go your husband will be an arse.

Send him with SIL seeing as they are the only ones who want to go now. Amd when MIL asks why only them two don;t be afraid to tell her

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/05/2014 14:22

The issue that really needs facing is the influence sister in law and family have over husband, which leads him to upset his wife and children in preference to them. He knows his behaviour is unfair, which is why he concealed it; sister in law has deliberately muscled in on the family holiday and he is too weak to stand up to her. It is a very serious issue; his family and their influence on him are a powerful threat to their marriage; it needs confronting now. OP recognises this, which is why she is so upset over the holiday.

MaxPepsi · 14/05/2014 15:57

I hope you get it all sorted OP.

My DH is a saint when it comes to my family - we are a large and close and enjoy each others company most of the time There are plenty of family camping trips and days out etc. He actually prefers mine to his own but even so I wouldn't dream of inviting them anywhere when it was our time without asking him first, even if it was just a day out never mind a longed for holiday.

We did in fact take my mum away with us on our first anniversary holiday. It was his idea as it happens as he recognised she could probably do with the break. We had a 2 bedroom cottage booked and only needed one room so it cost her nothing. It was his way of thanking her for being such a marvellous MIL.

OhCobblers · 19/05/2014 14:19

Hi OP wondered how you are and if this was resolved?

Original poster
desperatedino · 12/06/2014 20:52

Hi

Thought I would update. Sorry for the delay. Well he aplogised said he should have asked first. However, she is all booked and going. Apparently I am still selfish as she hasnt gone away in years. Feel so down. I guess there are deeper seated problems in our marriage.

OP posts:
WaitMonkey · 12/06/2014 20:54

Unfortunately, I think you're right. Sad

deakymom · 12/06/2014 21:05

agree with monkey this feels a little wrong to me but my DH was trying to get his parents to come down when we were on holiday we have never been on holiday before and i really wanted it to be us but at every opportunity he invited them down luckily his stepdad took the hint and was "working" so they couldn't come down in the camper van Grin families at a distance is better than families too close

dalziel1 · 01/08/2014 08:57

Don't go (you will hate it anyway).

Personally, I would tell her that you aren't going because you were neither consulted nor informed. I'd say to her that its nothing to do with her, but you feel let down by your husband.

Let her feed that message back to MIL (and SIL who obviously kept it from you too).

dalziel1 · 01/08/2014 09:00

I am saying that as someone who got strong-armed into a holiday with the in-laws that wasn't right for me (due to being 8 months pregnant).

The tension built up over a few days and we had an argument halfway through the holiday that nearly ended our marriage. It took years to get past what happened that night.

Primafacie · 01/08/2014 09:02

ZOMBIE THREAD

thatstoast · 01/08/2014 09:07

I don't think it's a zombie thread when the op comes back to update, albeit 3 months later.