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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish about holiday

189 replies

desperatedino · 13/05/2014 16:06

We have a holiday booked in July to the med for me, DH, and our 3 DC.

I have been looking forward to this in ages as we really don't spend much family time together.

DH has just announced that SIL is going to be joining us, all this was arranged without my consent, I told DH I was hoping it could be just us and he went off on one completely saying I was selfish and it's his holiday too.

I don't dislike SIL but she is a drama queen and caused a row when she came away with us before.

So AIBU to just want us on holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
desperatedino · 13/05/2014 16:29

I told him he was a bully but he is so pig headed at times.

I am sorely tempted to not even go, he said the children would be disappointed, but I rather spend the week in a caravan with them.

OP posts:
struggling100 · 13/05/2014 16:32

What? I would go completely bonkers if DH did that. Out. Of. Line.

It's NOT selfish to want family time on holidays.

Original poster
desperatedino · 13/05/2014 16:33

I would be the enemy of the family if I told him that SIL could not go as she would go running to her mum, then she would be on the phone.

If I can face speaking to him later, I am going to tell him from now on we will have separate holidays, he can do his thing and I will do mine.

I am a SAHM and I think that he is under the impression that as he paid he can invite who he wants.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 13/05/2014 16:33

Call his bluff - I know a holiday is a big thing to do this on but this is about more than a holiday. The kids will get over it but he's treating you like shit - not giving a crap about how you feel. You need to stop that now. Are there any other examples of this behaviour?

MrsKoala · 13/05/2014 16:34

But if they are disappointed it will be his fault. He changed the plans, not you. he;s using the dc as blackmail and he's banking on you rolling over so they are not upset. I'd tell him their disappointment lies solely at his door and he can resolve it by explaining to his sister that he made a mistake, you ALL had your hearts set on some family time.

OhCobblers · 13/05/2014 16:35

Oh and don't go (I know I know, easy for me to say) he and his sister can look after the kids.

growingolddicustingly · 13/05/2014 16:35

but when it comes to his family they come first.

He needs reminding that you and your DCs are his family and should come first.

OhCobblers · 13/05/2014 16:36

How old is SIL?

Ditto what MrsKoala said.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/05/2014 16:42

Keep very very calm and just shrug and say 'cancel then, but you tell the kids, and NOT that it's my fault.'

This is emotional black mail. He needs pulling up on it. Twat.

LadyintheRadiator · 13/05/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 13/05/2014 16:43

i take it you are a SAHM for dc that are half his? and that he agreed to this when the dc came along? in which case his wage is family money, and you are 'paying' just as much as he is. You have earned your fair share by providing all the childcare. This means you get an equal say in all holiday arrangements.

Leeds2 · 13/05/2014 16:44

I too would call his bluff, and tell him to cancel. I suspect he won't.

It is very, very unreasonable to ask someone else on a family holiday without consulting with the other adult first.

littleballerina · 13/05/2014 16:45

I'd leave them to it and go off for a break on my own but I am the queen of sulks.

Fairenuff · 13/05/2014 16:46

Firstly tell him that if he wants to cancel that's up to him. If he decides not to cancel but insists on taking SIL, then just tell him you're not going.

SATSmadness · 13/05/2014 16:47

Would it be pertinent of me to ask why SIL has no-one to go on holiday with and therefore wishes to holiday with her brother and his young family ?

I would not tolerate this at all.

It's not just that he thinks it's O.K. It's that he didn't even consult you.

It smacks of "I'm taking the wife and kids on holiday this year, oh and anyone else I feel like asking to come along too".

YouTheCat · 13/05/2014 16:47

Let him and his precious sister go on holiday and take the kids with them.

Then you get a whole week where the house won't get untidy. You can drink wine. You can have as many uninterrupted baths as you like and you can eat all your favourite foods without having to cook for a family.

Everyone wins. Wink

Chottie · 13/05/2014 16:50

Why?!?!? I can't believe he did this!!!

Perhaps you need to let SiL come on the holiday and when she turns into drama queen diva, do not try to smooth things over. Leave him and his sis to it. Shrug your shoulders, say your sis, your problem and take your DC out for the day.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/05/2014 16:51

He's hit the roof because he's got to go back and uninvite his sister. Well, that's just too bad. It's not even as if the last time she tagged along it was all sweetness and light, was it? If you haven't brought that up yet, you should do so at the earliest opportunity

I'd definitely call his bluff and tell him that it's hols with only your kids or it's no holiday at all. I'd be quite happy to threaten to go away with just the kids if he won't give in on this one.

He's been a twat

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/05/2014 16:51

I would be bloody seething and would refuse to go, tell him to cancel and see if he goes through with it.

Why on earth did he see fit to invite her, twat!

MellowAutumn · 13/05/2014 16:51

I would defiantly do as Youthecat says - don't disappoint the kids just let dh and sil 'holiday' together. Win win for me cause I bet SIL is not the hand son help type ;)

Doodleloomoo · 13/05/2014 16:52

I'm a pretty non-confrontational people pleaser, but I too would call his bluff. Tell him that you like his sister (assuming you do) but it was a family holiday you agreed to, and that is all you will agree to still. Let him cancel and then explain to the children.

Has his sister actually booked/paid for anything?

Please don't believe that because you are a sahm you have no say on how family money is spent.

SATSmadness · 13/05/2014 16:52

Perhaps tell him that he and his sister can take the kids away together and you'll have a lovely time at home free of all c/care duties.

Alternatively I'd be telling him that if he can't see why this is totally not on, you'll see him next in counselling. Ask him to move out for a while until you have considered whether you want to continue in a marriage with someone who has so little regard for your feelings.

Does he get on especially well with his sister ?

Why does she have no-one to holiday with ?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/05/2014 16:55

I am sorely tempted to not even go, he said the children would be disappointed, but I rather spend the week in a caravan with them.

Sod the caravan, let him cancel & then rebook a nice hotel for you & the DCs. After all, he doesn't want the children to be disappointed!

YANBU BTW - this definitely is something that needs talking through first!

MrsKoala · 13/05/2014 16:56

How would he feel if you invited someone from your family? would he mind or would he think the more the merrier?

Original poster
desperatedino · 13/05/2014 16:58

She is separated with a grown up child, lives alone.

I have been hearing them on the phone for weeks with her asking about our holiday dates, I asked him why she kept asking and he said she was just being nosy, so he has been lying for ages.

I just asked him apparently she has not booked yet, but left it there as the children are about. He said he knew I would be like this thats why he never said anything. He can go by his bloody self for all I care.

OP posts: