Oooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

[Putthenerfdown]

NC for this and in no way a stealth boast.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this about myself.

Met DPs family for the first time. We went for dinner and I was polite, we had an interesting discussion about the elections, I talked to his mum about books, we had a good time. I sent a nice text the next day thanking them for paying for the meal.

DP spoke to them today. I asked him if they had a good time "yes they enjoyed it, they said how pretty you are". Um ok...anything else "no just that your pretty oh and my DM thinks your very slim"

Which is lovely. Unless your bored of bring pretty or having a nice figure. And yes I TOTALLY know how this reads (like I'm a conceited bitch). But I've heard this for years and just once it would be nice to be funny or clever or kind or interesting and not yes she's got good genes.

AIBU and should shut up or not? DP doesn't see the problem "but you are pretty" was his reply.

I don't think you're being U and it is annoying but I don't really know what you can do about it. Over time people will get to know the real you and see for themselves that there is more to you than just looks. Annoying and shallow but not ill intentioned.

OP's parents are entitled to say what the hell they like. It's their opinion.
They may not have even thought she was clever or interesting.
They still gave a compliment about her to their son!
Also how do we not know he didn't say 'hey m/d don't you think she's pretty?' to which they may have simply agreed.

*OP's partners parents.

To Walton and the others commenting on ageism:

The degree to which people will focus on looks will almost certainly decline over time. It's just the truth.

I had similar when younger about my height- incessantly. It was my defining feature.

It irked me at the time. As I've got older and realised most people are not great conversationalists and I am now accepting of that and try to improve my own chat. I also seem to be shrinking or else everyone else is taller..

Skipped some posts. I know exactly what you mean.

When people meet me some tell me the obvious I'm tall, I'm pretty, I have big boobs (not everyone, mostly men) always like you don't know or with pretty like you've done it deliberately.

There are some brilliant articles out there about how damaging the whole girls are pretty, boys are clever thing is. I feel sad that you've had so many negative comments on here from women.

Yanbu to be fed up with the constant adoration of your appearance, but, really, you should enjoy it as, one day, it will stop (and, you'll miss it)!!

Don't worry OP, they transfer the compliments onto your DD when you have one and only then notice your sparkling wit and intelligence when the pregnancy has done it's best to take the edge off it. Why can't they notice those when it was razor sharp? Because my dazzling good looks were blinding them from seeing anything else

In fact, to be more specific, I'd like to respond to Walton's:

A huge FUCK OFF to all the posters who say it'll stop when you are older - and all the other ageist comments

The point here is that it is highly likely that "it" will tail off at some point as you get older. Talk to any great beauty of advancing age. You'll still get people noticing, but the comments, the degree to which it can define you, will reduce. To make such an observation is not ageist. To try to block discussion of these trends in our society can do a lot of harm.

DHs boss once ruffled my hair whilst cooing "oooh, you are so pretty it doesn't matter that you are so stupid".

I'm half way through a degree in financial services!

how to talk to little girls. This really made me think how I compliment my little girl.

YANBU. Its really patronising and belittling if you are judged by your looks, whatever sort of looks and figure you have.

YANBU. An attractive woman is considered fair game for all to have her appearance commented on. I have had:-

• negative comments from inlaws (who are not the best presented) about being "too attractive", "too focussed on my looks", "I should spend more time looking after DH than my own appearance" (I don't even use make up unlike them FFS)

• friend decided to send me a message informing me I was attracting attention by posting a total of 4 photos on FB because I was "showing off" how slim and photogenic I was.

• turned up to a gym class in sports vest and shorts ie normal running attire and will almost certainly get comments from other women about "how brave" I am or how I'm not scared to show off my body, even though there are plenty of other women dressed the same.

Any chance they could just not comment on appearance, like I do with them?!

Enjoy it while it lasts because very quickly you won't always be the pretty one. You'll be the old one.

I think it is really sad how many women on this thread totally buy into the objectification of women.

Like turkeys voting for Christmas.

Walton

Older women often are attractive but the comments lessen with age.

Helen Mirren for example is attractive but more comments will be made about Scarlett Johannsens looks.

Not quite the same but I am overweight and have been for most of my adult life.

I get "you have such a pretty face" in a surprised yet wistful tone.

You just know what the subtext of that is!

It's not ageist to say or imply that looks don't last forever.
Things change as we grow older, might as well be honest about them.

I don't know, my mum is 55 and gets more comments on her attractiveness now more than ever.

So does my auntie at aged 66.

U2, I'm sure this is true for some people. But on average...?

I do compliment my children on their appearance, my middle daughter has the most amazing curls and I keep asking if I can pinch them and they all have their dad's amazing eyelashes. I do it because I don't want them to ever question their looks, I don't want my daughter ironing her hair to death because she thinks curls are horrible. I also tell them how clever they are, how nicely they play, how good they are at art (with two artist parents they have good genes), how well they sing (one of my pet peeves is telling people they can't sing)... but then I'm Mum and I get to do that all the time, it gets to me that girls and women can only be complimented or put down by strangers/ acquaintances by comments on their looks.

I think perhaps you might find it helpful to recognise that your DP's mother is just as influenced by social norms as most people are and was probably just trying to be nice. After all, for a great many women a compliment about their appearance is the nicest compliment they would choose to receive.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Men's appearance is a secondary adjective, whereas for women it always seems to come first. It's tiresome, regardless of which end of the spectrum you are (consider the vitriol aimed at Mary Berry for her refusal to conform).

But I can't see any benefit in getting angry over someone's attempt to be nice to you, however misguided and playing up to gender stereotypes that might be. I'd just accept graciously and see if you can talk some gender politics when the conversation lends itself that way in the future.

YANBU at all.

I gave a speech to a huge group of people that was picked up by the press a couple of years ago. A well-respected (male) journalist wrote a lovely piece about me focusing on my hair colour and the height of my heels.

Would it help to think that this isn't about you - it's about how society sees women. Some people think 'being pretty' is the top prize in the ballot of life - ick - but it tells you more about the people who say it than the person whom it is being said about.

• Yep. Just agreeing with everyone who said it's not you, it's the partiarchy.

• On ageing: Don't listen to the media! It does still happen throughout life to those who were blessed with a skeletal-muscular structure that ages in good form. And it remains irritating.

• On appreciating it while you've got it: My good looks have utterly collapsed in recent years, due to illness. I don't miss them at all. There's little real advantage to being perceived mainly as a decorative exterior; it's actually easier to be heard these days, as folks mostly look for something else to appreciate about you if they can't stop at 'attractive'. If I need to be physically noticeable, I have other means like wearing lurid clothes

I would love to have that so just for that, yabu. I usually just get "ooh she's really nice isn't she, very easy to talk to" or something like that. Just once I'd like to hear OOOhh isn't she beautiful!! Will never happen though!