Oooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

[Putthenerfdown]

NC for this and in no way a stealth boast.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this about myself.

Met DPs family for the first time. We went for dinner and I was polite, we had an interesting discussion about the elections, I talked to his mum about books, we had a good time. I sent a nice text the next day thanking them for paying for the meal.

DP spoke to them today. I asked him if they had a good time "yes they enjoyed it, they said how pretty you are". Um ok...anything else "no just that your pretty oh and my DM thinks your very slim"

Which is lovely. Unless your bored of bring pretty or having a nice figure. And yes I TOTALLY know how this reads (like I'm a conceited bitch). But I've heard this for years and just once it would be nice to be funny or clever or kind or interesting and not yes she's got good genes.

AIBU and should shut up or not? DP doesn't see the problem "but you are pretty" was his reply.

kaekae Enjoy it while it lasts because very quickly you won't always be the pretty one. You'll be the old one

I am already the old one and I still get it. It wears very thin. My mother got it up until a few days before she died at 66, although the comments of the nurses in the cancer ward were more in awe and factually descriptive than sexist.

A friend of mine, sitting in between her boyfriend and his father on the sofa at a family get together - father says "Whoar look at her legs, you've done well boy". Says she has never felt so uncomfortable in her whole life. She dumped him and went off to study medicine.

chelsy

That's not so much to do with your friends looks as it is her ex boyfriends dad being a creepy, inappropriate perv. Vile sounding man!

I think there's a would of difference between a factual observation "she's very pretty/attractive" and a lecherous "phwoar look at her arse/legs/tits". The latter I would think sexist, the former I probably wouldn't. Not if said by people I knew at any rate.

Alisvolatpropiis I get your point, but the father was clearly teaching the son to comment on women's appearance.

You see, I just don't want my appearance commented upon. Why would I? I don't lack confidence. I don't make a living as a model, or from my looks in any way. I don't dress eye-catchingly or use loads of make up. I don't want to be singled out and commented upon, as would anyone about their appearance.

When I meet someone's partner for the first time, and they ask me 'what did you think of him/her?' I choose a combination from the following adjectives: nice, lovely, pretty, good-looking, interesting (the latter two only if it is true). Most people know it is not wise to say anything more until you see how the relationship pans out. '

YABU
Banal comments, yes, but they are just trying to be polite and inoffensive. When they know you better I am sure they will have more to say

If anyone thinks women over 40 are routinely referred to as 'pretty' then I think you are deluding yourselves.

And thank fuck for that. 'Pretty' is not a compliment any woman should crave. It's mimsy and objectifying.

But I bet you'll miss it when it's gone.

You are going to hate me, but I have said the same to someone I know, almost every time I've met her. The reason? She is very pretty, but also I do not know her enough to make any other positive comment...
Ok, I will be completely honest, she is a bit of a bitch but my mother always said to me : say something nice or nothing at all, or something like that...

I had a teacher who told my mum at parents night, oh she's such a lovely girl, so beautiful. My mum (career women and owned her own business) quickly shut her up by saying, yes but shes not going to pass exams with looks is she? You just have to weigh it up op. There will be times when you will, even if you don't admit it, trade on your looks. Its human nature.

I find threads like this so embarrassing and I am cringing reading it.

Also, wanting to tell someone to 'fuck off' for paying you a compliment. I wouldn't be surprised if your in laws could only muster that compliment as they saw your ugly personality.

Just making an observation.

I was just wondering OP if someone had said to your OH 'Wow, interesting girl but average looking,mate'.

Would you be happy then?

It could be so much worse.
Would you rather everyone commented on your broad accent, or your quirky taste in handbags? Or your unusually long fingers, or your talent for recall?
They are being complimentary.
I wish people said similar about me rather than "she is so nice" (which feels as though they think I'm boring).

I don't understand why the op is getting such a hard time - all she is saying is that she would like to be noticed for her personality and achievements rather than her looks.

tbh I would be a bit upset if people only appeared to notice superficial stuff about me.

Unfortunately some people don't have much imagination and a persons looks are an easy target plus I expect they thought your DP would view it as positive feedback which it sounds like he did !

I wouldn't overthink it if I were you

I was slightly non-plussed the other day when someone described my altogether gorgeous, bright, sensitive, wise, artistic, and lovely dd as "very elegant" but I suppose I am being unreasonable, as 1) I'm bloody lucky to have such a lovely dd and 2) at least it's a slightly unusual compliment that doesn't overtly refer to her appearance, and 3) I guess it is a positive comment

'I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time'

I think it's probably because of the language used - the 'fuck offs'. Like it's the worst thing in the world.

Spero, I was still being called pretty at 40+ but didn't like it, because it feels ... well, mimsy though I suppose you have to be generous about people's motives. Older people with the good fortune to have the right physical structure tend to be called beautiful and good-looking.

You're wrong. I don't miss it. I know few women who do - and those few work very hard at staying 'youthful', which is their prerogative. I'm always posting that I don't miss it, and nobody believes me! That just shows how deeply-embedded our worship of prettiness is. Luckily, anyone with brains grows out of that.

I do understand where some of you are coming from. My daughter is quite severely disabled. She also happens to be very good looking and people act as though her looks somehow negate her disability, which of course they don't.

I still think the op doesn't come across as well as she might have done. There's no need to be aggressive about something mildly irritating.

Oooh, Verity, it's annoying when someone posts an 'achievement' picture of their child on FB, and all the comments say how pretty/handsome they look! Praise the achievement, FFS!!

ceres But does she actually have achievements worth commenting on? Is she definitely interesting and clever etc?

Despite feeling that I look appalling I do often get comments about my hair and the fact that I am thin and that apparently I look young to have the position that I do in my profession. About 20:80 compared to the comments about my professional achievements. With the 80% being comments about my achievements. If I went round moaning that people don't say I'm pretty often enough for my ego, I'd be laughed at. And that would be because I would be being laughable. If the OP's prospective PiLs were not impressed with her wit and wisdom, she needs to work at displaying it more - if she wants them to be impressed, that is. I'm not actually fussed what my in laws think of me really, I see them rarely and they don't understand my job anyway. A brief social encounter is unlikely to leave the people you meet reeling with your erudition and achievements, even if you put all your medals on the table from the outset, IYSWIM.

I'm also a bit about people who feel the need to boast about having read 'an obscure book'. Unless it's something I wrote (practically the definition of obscure - well, niche anyway) in which case I'm

You meanie, Corus

Maybe 'your' not intelligent enough for them to be able to comment on that?

'Unless your bored of bring pretty'.