Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for an apology or just leave it

271 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 12/05/2014 10:08

Last year some friends came for a Holiday with their 14 yo DD. Quite frankly the girl was nightmare but assume no different from any other 14 yo's forced to come on holiday with their parents traipsing round stately homes and the like. She spent all of the evenings on her ipad but again I guess that's normal teenage behaviour.

She perked up a bit when I let her look at my jewellery and was very taken with a gated bracelet in rose gold with a lozenge dangling from it that used to hang from my Great Granddads fob watch.

The day after she saw it when we were out I noticed it on her wrist I was a bit upset as its a family heirloom and didn't want it to get lost, I didn't make a thing about it just told her I never take it out and put it in my handbag.

The day they left just when they were about to leave I suddenly had a 'feeling' looked in my jewellery case and it was gone.

I tried to ask her away from her parents if she had it but she went into one took it out of her pocket and threw it at me her mum was so embarrassed but as they had to leave to get their ferry I had to leave it.

I had assumed she had disciplined her DD and had hoped that I would get a least an email saying sorry but the incident has never been mentioned again.

Now they want to come again in August I asked my friend if her DD was happy about coming but as she said they don't have much money and coming to us with no hotel costs was the only way they can have a holiday by the sea.

AIBU to at least expect an apology from the girl when she is here, am assuming that at age 15 she might be more willing to do so.

I am happy for them all to come but TBH I am still a bit upset by it all.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 12/05/2014 18:58

MrsDC - how are the penguins? Grin

The fact that an old good friend hasn't been in touch since last year and their holiday doesn't bode well as I don't see why the onus should have been on you to contact them, when it was the teenaged daughter who was in the wrong. If it would have been me, I would have made my DD apologise there and then, then sent a written apology, followed up by my checking up n the old friend to see how they were. I also agree with PP that your old friend hanging up tearfully isn't a good sign either. Playing devils advocate, do you think she rang her husband and he's come up with a fail safe backup excuse?

Monmouth · 12/05/2014 19:00

What Expat said.

The daughter's behaviour when she was staying with you was appalling. I don't see how you could contemplate having her back in your house after all this.

quietbatperson · 12/05/2014 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StanleyLambchop · 12/05/2014 19:34

Are you the same OP from the penguin bollard thread? If so won't you have a new born by then( IIRC you were suffering terrible morning sickness?) That alone would make me say No to these house guests. I can't believe you agreed to have them over!

heraldgerald · 12/05/2014 19:40

You sound lovely, the parents sound as though stressed in trying circumstances, but likely lovely too. Teenage girl sounds more ghastly than the usual. You love your friends, they love you, and teenagers grow up. She will most likely be mortified about what she did. Preserve your friendship and try to welcome them back but with ground rules for the girl. Good luck.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 19:46

(thinks longingly of some of my mother's pieces . . . ), in particular, a 14-carat gold and emerald cross on a heavy chain, a big silver ring with a chunky piece of white turquoise, a pair of sapphire and diamond earrings.

Nope, never thought of just taking them and wearing them and if I had you can be sure it wouldn't be, 'Oh, I don't take that out,' but, 'What are you doing with my bracelet! You did not ask to wear that and I did not give permission. Take it off and give it back to me now.'

As it is, my sister and I have borrowed some pieces for special occasions (my sister at her wedding, at her master's degree graduation, a Whitby jet necklace I wore to read a passage at my grandmother's funeral Mass, the necklace having been a gift from my grandfather to her, he bought it during WWII when he was in England)but never as teens. We knew she would have said no with very good reason. Many teens are not the most sensible when it comes to sentimental pieces.

I have some pieces I hope to pass to my daughter, but she will not be getting them until well into adulthood.

My mother has a first cousin whose long-dead father had given her a string of pearls, natural ones, brought back from Hong Kong in the 1950s. She loaned them to one of her daughters to wear to a dance when she was about 16.

Can you guess where they are? Hope so, because they have not been seen since and that was about 30 years ago.

Her cousin was so upset at their loss, she was an only child and adored her father, she vomited all night.

And this was loaning things to your own family, not someone coming in and taking them with no permission.

I could not for a minute have someone like that in my home again, apology or no. It's not like she took a nice hand lotion or a lipstick.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 19:49

Who gets to that age and seriously thinks it okay to take someone's jewellery without her permission?

Yeah, teens make mistakes but seriously? My five-year-old has autism and knows that stealing is not allright.

TheNewSchmoo · 12/05/2014 19:57

Surely if she is actually your friend, long before now she would have said "did you get DthievingDs apology? I am so sorry that she did that". I smell bullshit. I wouldn't hang up on my friend, I'd be horrified!

Tell her to find another free holiday!

nauticant · 12/05/2014 20:02

If your friends are telling the truth then what probably happened is that they sort of asked their daughter to apologise and then averted their gaze to avoid having to deal with any further unpleasantness. Their daughter, knowing the score thought "naw, can't be arsed".

If you now get them to wring a grudging half-apology of out her, you're going to have an angry and resentful 15 year old in your house who's got form for stealing and having an expectation that she should not be called to account. What if she decides to carry out some form of retaliation when they're staying with you?

eddielizzard · 12/05/2014 20:03

i don't think taking what is clearly a very sentimental, valuable piece of jewellery is a 'mistake'. and she wasn't sorry at all.

the parents are just trying to salvage their holiday. it stinks.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/05/2014 20:08

I've also suffered through some of this, when a friend brought her 14 year old daughter on holiday wih us; nothing was stolen, but the constant sulk was truly one for the books and at no point did her mum correct her

About the "apology email" ... IF the parents stood over her and IF it bounced back, then an error message would have gone into the Inbox. Nor is it any use them saying they didn't notice, since they should have cared enough to check as well as apologising themselves

Therefore I'm afraid someone seems to be lying - the parents, the daughter or both. You've not said how often they contact you (apart from asking for a holiday) or whether they thanked you properly for the last one, but I'm afraid none of them would be coming again if it was me

SauvignonBlanche · 12/05/2014 20:09

She was old enough to know better.

Chippednailvarnish · 12/05/2014 20:10

Are you normally a people pleaser OP?

MellowAutumn · 12/05/2014 20:17

Hey op nail down your worldly goods, chuck you self esteem in the bin and get ready to listen to the dd really sulk at your hospitality - Volia ready for company !

CinderellaRockefeller · 12/05/2014 20:25

If she'd been genuine she wouldn't have put the phone down. First reaction would be confusion, "but she has apologised, she emailed?" Then the upset.

You don't assume the matter is closed if someone doesn't reply to am apology. You assume they're still cross!

Stokes · 12/05/2014 20:35

Maybe I'm too naive, but I believe their story. However, the ease with which the friend realised her daughter hadn't sent the email, and the fact that the friend burst into tears and hung up makes me think they may be at the end of their tether with their daughter.

Up to you whether you want to be involved with that. You may decide to support your friends in their hour of need, which would be commendable.

If you decide to take that approach and welcome them to your home, I'd give anything valuable (financial or sentimental) to a friend to mind while they're there. If you choose not to help them, that's absolutely fine - what she did was potentially unforgiveable and most would understand you not wanting her in your house again.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/05/2014 20:56

I can see, MrsDC, how a friend who is perhaps very conflict adverse could leave in a hurry, hugely embarrassed, when her daughter is found to have taken your braclet. Could then, in order to avoid confrontation, get her daughter to email an apology. Then, when you didn't mention it, assume you had put it behind you and, hugely relieved, put it out of her mind and pretend it never happened. Then when you bring it up after all this time be so mortified that, being so conflict adverse, she can't face talking to you and puts the phone down and gets her husband to phone you back. I think it's a bit cowardly but I've seen plenty of threads on here, and incidents in real life, with people explaining how they are completely incapable of having the most straightforward conversations with friends and relatives, so I see that some people have very poor social skills and might, I suppose, end up behaving so poorly.

You know your friend better than we do so if that (or some other way) is a plausible reading of the situation to you, then there's a chance it's true - she helped her daughter craft an apology and then assumed it was all in the past.

But - is a telephone apology from the girl enough for you now? Do you both believe what they've told you and feel it is sufficient? Will you enjoy the time if they come and stay with you this summer?

IwinIwin · 12/05/2014 20:58

Maybe this will teach them a valuable lesson, they should have followed up and asked her to ensure she did it and also then checked with you.

That's if their story is true. You know your friends OP, what do you think?

Personally reads as bull to me, but I'd have expected a proper apology from the teen and the friend to follow it up with one of her own.

indigo18 · 12/05/2014 20:59

Yup. Tears='oh no, what about my holiday?'
Delay and DH ringing back = concocted story.
Not sure you need these friends.

Roseformeplease · 12/05/2014 21:05

Sorry to be a bit lighthearted about this, but can you suggest she stays with your horrible neighbour and use the penguins to keep her out.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 12/05/2014 21:27

What?

Do people like this really exist?

WitchWay · 12/05/2014 21:56

I am horrified that it is only being mentioned now, when they want another holiday. If I'd been her mother I would have died of embarrassment, been very angry & risked missing my ferry home in order to deal with it at the time. New tickets would have been paid for out of my daughter's allowance. I would have insisted my daughter write a proper apology which I would have supervised. I would have made amends with my friend by sending flowers & a written apology myself. I would have expressed regret, & hope that our friendship could remain intact. I would have refused to bring the now 15 yo daughter on the next visit, but made alternative arrangements for her. Please don't let them take you for a mug.

Icimoi · 12/05/2014 22:10

I rather agree with Stokes and BoomBoom - I don't think it's impossible that friend's story is true. There just are people who bury their heads in the sand like that, and it is equally distinctly possible that the reaction on the phone was a reaction to realising that their daughter had apparently been lying to them again.

But I must say, in their position if I came to visit there is no way the daughter would come with me - it would be far too embarrassing being aware that OP had locked everything away and was still watching her like a hawk. Part of her punishment would be being deprived of the holiday, and I'd send her to someone like my mother with strict instructions to make her life miserable.

brdgrl · 12/05/2014 22:31

I think it is possible (just) that the friend's story is true-ish - that she thought her DD had apologised, and was mortified and at wits end etc when you reminded her of it etc etc as BoomBoom has outlined. I actually find it less likely that the hang-up and call back from husband was a calculated move to get a holiday.

The problem is - that's still not good enough. As others have said (see, I am agreeing with everyone today!) - your friends STILL ought to have made an apology of their own.

And they really ought to have followed up when there was no response to the apology they'd told DD to make.

And they really, really, ought not to have been NC for the entire intervening year.

I think you sound very nice, OP, and I don't think you should be being mocked for your kindness. It's easy for us on here to see it in black and white; harder when it is a real life relationship. But I think you should put your foot down over this.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/05/2014 22:32

Oh dear, they have handled this badly haven't they?! Assuming they're not telling porky pies when they realised you hadn't happily forgiven and forgotten their dthievingd as soon as they themselves had.

Why would real friends go a year without any communication when the last time was an embarrassing email apology? Are they do caught up in their social cowardice they thought the embarrassment would be too much - except when they wanted another holiday that is!

Humm, they just don't sound that nice. I wouldn't rely on them for anything if I was you...