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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for an apology or just leave it

271 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 12/05/2014 10:08

Last year some friends came for a Holiday with their 14 yo DD. Quite frankly the girl was nightmare but assume no different from any other 14 yo's forced to come on holiday with their parents traipsing round stately homes and the like. She spent all of the evenings on her ipad but again I guess that's normal teenage behaviour.

She perked up a bit when I let her look at my jewellery and was very taken with a gated bracelet in rose gold with a lozenge dangling from it that used to hang from my Great Granddads fob watch.

The day after she saw it when we were out I noticed it on her wrist I was a bit upset as its a family heirloom and didn't want it to get lost, I didn't make a thing about it just told her I never take it out and put it in my handbag.

The day they left just when they were about to leave I suddenly had a 'feeling' looked in my jewellery case and it was gone.

I tried to ask her away from her parents if she had it but she went into one took it out of her pocket and threw it at me her mum was so embarrassed but as they had to leave to get their ferry I had to leave it.

I had assumed she had disciplined her DD and had hoped that I would get a least an email saying sorry but the incident has never been mentioned again.

Now they want to come again in August I asked my friend if her DD was happy about coming but as she said they don't have much money and coming to us with no hotel costs was the only way they can have a holiday by the sea.

AIBU to at least expect an apology from the girl when she is here, am assuming that at age 15 she might be more willing to do so.

I am happy for them all to come but TBH I am still a bit upset by it all.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 17:49

Maybe if they cut back on the gadgets they could buy a tent. Our well-reviewed Hi Gear with room for 5 plus four hefty bags, SIMs and gear was cheaper than one iPad.

Of course, maybe she saw it at someone's house, liked it and so half-inched it.

rollonthesummer · 12/05/2014 17:49

That unpleasant daughter will be really pissed off and you now and it wouldn't surprise me if she spends the week secretly stealing from you or vandalising your house. You're a total mug if you let them back. They sound like a couple of chancers lying through their teeth so you'll let them come and stay.

Is this a real island? Are you abroad?
Do they pay for anything when they come for a week!

rollonthesummer · 12/05/2014 17:51

Will it make any difference now if they force her (again) to apologise? She clearly doesn't mean it!

How many times have you seen/ heard from them since that visit? They sound like they're using you completely. WhAt sort of friend hangs up like that?!

RenterNomad · 12/05/2014 17:53

Or you could do B&B properly, be part of some nice tourists' holiday, but be protected by clear contractual boundaries!

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 12/05/2014 17:54

Oh dear

Purpleroxy · 12/05/2014 17:57

Yabvu if you let them stay again.

They are putting their financial situation on to you.

Would you feel differently if she knocked on your door and said oh I see you have 2 cars, will you give us one as otherwise we won't be able to afford one?

MirandaGoshawk · 12/05/2014 17:59

She put the phone down on you? Shock

What sort of person is this? Totally self-centred, for a start.

Shewhowines · 12/05/2014 18:02

So she stole twice, didn't apologise when told to if she really was told to and will now bear a grudge for being in trouble again a year later. Yep an ideal holiday guest.

Did they show appreciation for last years holiday? Have you all been in contact since?

They would have to be really, really good friends to be allowed back.

If you do go for it if you are mad I don't think they could blame you for saying that they are welcome, but not dd, given the thieving and lying about the apology.

OnlyLovers · 12/05/2014 18:04

I think it's bollocks too.

  • Even if the DD did send her email shortly after the event, didn't she or either of the parents think it odd that they didn't hear from you?
  • As someone else said, if it was me I'd make the DD apologise but apologise myself too, as the adult and the (supposed) friend.
  • they had the brass neck to basically tell you that they wanted to come and abuse your hospitality again, not because they really like your company but because it's their only way to get a seaside holiday.

The best excuse I can think of for her bursting into tears and hanging up is that the DD's stealing/possible other bad behaviour is ongoing and causing them all much stress. But that still doesn't mean she shouldn't have made her apologise and then followed it up herself when she didn't hear an acknowledgement from you.

SueDNim · 12/05/2014 18:16

I wouldn't let them back. Perhaps they could stay with a different friend and if the DD manages to sell enough stolen goods from that friend they could afford a hotel by the sea next year.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2014 18:19

What a cock and bull story that is

Dumplings4ever · 12/05/2014 18:30

OP - Have you considered how you're going to feel having that girl in your home again??

I doubt you'll relax for a minute because you'll be wondering what she's upto and, more importantly, what she may have helped herself to.

The girl is clearly self centred and has no moral values - what would have happened if you hadn't felt suspicious and checked for the bracelet before she left???

Suppose you didn't notice it's absence for a week or two - would you have asked the family if the girl had it? And, if she wasn't caught red handed, would she have returned it??

Under the circumstances I suggest that you explain you are uneasy with events and are unable to host them this year. The DH offered an "out" when he rang you up and said he'd understand if you didn't want them round - please use that offer and decline to accommodate them and their thieving daughter.

eddielizzard · 12/05/2014 18:31

i think she saw the chance of her holiday slipping away so she pulled out the tears and hung up. then cooked up a reasonable story with her dh.

uncharitable of me but i also think it depends on how they are when staying with you.

do they contribute in any way?

Dubjackeen · 12/05/2014 18:37

Another here who thinks they dreamt up a story when they saw their free holiday in jeopardy. Surely they should have apologised properly, following the incident, and not relied on their daughter supposedly sending an email.
I'd think long and hard about it, before agreeing to have them again.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 18:37

If you hadn't caught her, you would never have seen that bracelet again.

Hogwash · 12/05/2014 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verdiletta · 12/05/2014 18:39

I think it's very harsh calling the op a mug and a wet blouse and saying she has no self respect. She sounds like a lovely and kind person. I agree that what should have happened was a letter or phone call from dd, and flowers by way of apology from parents. These friends have not behaved well. However, not everyone is comfortable confronting people about stuff like this.
(Op, there's a good book called 'the curse of lovely', might be good to have a read)

Hogwash · 12/05/2014 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriousGoosebumps · 12/05/2014 18:44

The story of the email that was sent but never received simply doesn’t hold water and as, others have said, if your 14 year old daughter had been caught stealing a valuable piece of jewellery from a “dear” friend you would ensure that she apologised and also send your own apology plus a little gift.

You deserve better friends than these.

Please, please, please send them as email telling them that on reflection you don’t think it would be a good idea for them to visit. It will be interesting to see how they respond to the risk of their free holidays being cut off for ever.

oldgrandmama · 12/05/2014 18:45

Oh dear, sorry, call me a cynical old bat but ... is this thread for real? Does the OP REALLY intend inviting these freeloading 'friends' with the thieving cow of a daughter back to stay on 'the island'?

The nastly little piece of work of a daughter nicked the 'heirloom' bracelet not once, but bloody TWICE. She knew it had huge sentimental value but still she stole it. Apologies? Nah. Your user friends just ignored the crime and have the sodding nerve to ask AGAIN if they can have another freebie. Jesus wept!

And I repeat - NO APOLOGY. Until OP mentions it to those ghastly freeloaders and the subsequent putting down the phone etc. etc. stuff.

Oh really, surely this whole thread is a windup? PLEASE tell me it is. And if it isn't, then ... OP, you are just off the scale when it comes to suckers.

OK, I'm a horrible, uncharitable, judgemental old cow. But really ...!

ebwy · 12/05/2014 18:49

it's a real island... the isle of wight.

OP, I wouldn't have that girl in my house again if I was you... you'll not be able to relax.

Osmiornica · 12/05/2014 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/05/2014 18:53

Well they are your friends so I suppose you can choose to believe them or not.

But even if you do believe them, an email apology a year old that was not followed up by the grown ups? Because you "chose" to drop the matter so clearly it was "dealt with"? That is good enough for you? Fuck that, not good enough for me.

drLu · 12/05/2014 18:55

Sorry but I would let them come! Appalling behaviour. What will she steal next time! They are using you.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 18:56

At 14, most know that pinching someone's gear is very, very wrong.

She just helped herself and you saw it on her. I mean , WTF?

My daughter comes home with a new sticker on and I ask her what it's for.

She's got a gold bracelet with a gold lozenge hanging of it, that is YOURS, that she did not ask to wear, and all you did was be a kitten about it?

My mother has a great deal of very beautiful jewellery. She has been married to my father for 50 years and he has always given her jewellery as gifts.

It would never, even at 14, have occurred to me to help myself to wear a single piece of it without asking her permission, because it's not mine. Duh.