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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for an apology or just leave it

271 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 12/05/2014 10:08

Last year some friends came for a Holiday with their 14 yo DD. Quite frankly the girl was nightmare but assume no different from any other 14 yo's forced to come on holiday with their parents traipsing round stately homes and the like. She spent all of the evenings on her ipad but again I guess that's normal teenage behaviour.

She perked up a bit when I let her look at my jewellery and was very taken with a gated bracelet in rose gold with a lozenge dangling from it that used to hang from my Great Granddads fob watch.

The day after she saw it when we were out I noticed it on her wrist I was a bit upset as its a family heirloom and didn't want it to get lost, I didn't make a thing about it just told her I never take it out and put it in my handbag.

The day they left just when they were about to leave I suddenly had a 'feeling' looked in my jewellery case and it was gone.

I tried to ask her away from her parents if she had it but she went into one took it out of her pocket and threw it at me her mum was so embarrassed but as they had to leave to get their ferry I had to leave it.

I had assumed she had disciplined her DD and had hoped that I would get a least an email saying sorry but the incident has never been mentioned again.

Now they want to come again in August I asked my friend if her DD was happy about coming but as she said they don't have much money and coming to us with no hotel costs was the only way they can have a holiday by the sea.

AIBU to at least expect an apology from the girl when she is here, am assuming that at age 15 she might be more willing to do so.

I am happy for them all to come but TBH I am still a bit upset by it all.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 12/05/2014 10:44

If you can't afford a holiday, then you don't get one. Tough shit.

I wouldn't allow any of them in my home again.

Burren · 12/05/2014 10:45

Are you crazy, woman? The daughter stole a valuable heirloom from you, and only your gut instinct stopped her getting away with it, her sole response was anger at being found out, AND you've never received an apology from either mother or daughter? Do you honestly think that if you hadn't guessed, you would ever have got your bracelet back??? The fact that neither of them take this seriously is underlined by the fact that they are expecting to have a free holiday at your house, regardless of the daughter's thieving?

There is absolutely no way you should accept them back into your house, apology or not. Thieving valuable heirlooms from your mother's friends is not normal teenage behaviour, and these people are taking you for a mug. Their lack of holiday finances are not your problem. Why on earth are you asking whether the daughter is happy to return? Surely you should be thinking of whether YOU are happy to have her back?

Blondiebrownie · 12/05/2014 10:47

If I felt the need to lock my valuables away because my visitor had stolen from me in the past and I would be on edge in case it happened again for the whole holiday she wouldn't be welcome back. I wouldn't ever have someone who disrespected my possessions let alone someone who threw it at me when I had confronted her about stealing!

No way.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 12/05/2014 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/05/2014 10:50

I think teenagers can have a hard time coming to grips with their new role in life. Sort of adults but still at their parents' mercy. They test waters and get things wrong. Petty theft is a common phase for people who end up becoming perfectly lovely adults. After a year she may well be a very different person and deeply regret the incident but doesn't know how to deal with that (it doesn't look like her parents are good role models there). On the other hand she might still just regret getting caught.

You don't have to let them come to visit at all, but if you do want them to come and want it to be nice for everyone I think you have to do two things:

  1. You need to resolve last years incident. I would suggest very openly saying to your friend that it's still bothering you and while you'd love to see her, you need to talk first about the incident last year and be sure her daughter regrets what she did. I don't think there's any point simply asking for an apology - it's not really the words you need is it? They could be probably be forced from her the way she was forced on holiday. You need her to be sorry for the action, not for being caught or being punished (not that I'm against her parents punishing her for that, just it doesn't help you). Be ready for the fact that the girl might not actually be sorry about it.

  2. You need to think carefully about whether their daughter really is welcome at your house. You haven't got over the incident (which isn't surprising) are you going to be thinking she's taken anything of value that you can't lay your hands on while she's there? It would be a natural reaction, but one that would make the holiday unpleasent for all of you and would be particularly hard on the girl if she's mended her ways.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/05/2014 10:51

No way would I have any of them in my house, the daughter because she's a thief & the parents because they are disrespectful freeloaders.
They are not your friends.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 10:52

Well if they are such old friends then why can she not be honest with this gal about her thieving daughter.

And sorry, but as someone who cannot afford a 'holiday by the sea without hotel costs' I woud be mortified to guilt trip a friend like that. Buy a tent, FFS.

KeinBock · 12/05/2014 10:53

I agree with brdgrl - tell them exactly why you don't want them to stay.

Gennz · 12/05/2014 10:56

OMG OP I can't believe you are considering having them back, let alone whether you should ask for an apology! You shouldn't need to ask for an apology! If I'd pulled a stunt like that at 14 my mother would have probably packed me off to borstal.

They sound AWFUL.

brdgrl · 12/05/2014 10:57

I don't agree that it is the DD who is the problem - obviously she is a problem, and the OP states that she was a nightmare in other ways (no, not normal teen age behaviour, I know many teens who even if having a really shit holiday and hating their parents, would still be polite to their hostess!) -
But the REAL problem here is the parents. The OP presumably wouldn't be inviting the DD on her own, she is there because of the parents and is their responsibility. Whatever excuse or lies DD told her parents afterwards, the decent thing to do would have been to check that version with OP and apologise for bringing a guest who mistreated the OP. Even if the DD somehow convinced them that the OP was 'at fault' - they at the very least saw her chuck the item back - no excuse for that!
The DD acted horribly, but her parents also acted badly, and they bore more responsibility to the OP, so they need to make amends.

Burren · 12/05/2014 10:57

BoomBoom, a spot of minor shoplifting might be considered common enough to be 'normal' in teenagers -though still a prosecutable offence -but stealing your mother's friend's valuable bracelet and becoming angry and throwing it at her when found out is not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Neither is a parent not insisting on an apology, far less trying to guilt-trip the victim if the thieving into having the thief back in her house.

Forgettable · 12/05/2014 10:57

Please tell the people that you have reflected on last year and you no longer feel able to offer your home as a holiday base for them.

If they challenge then you say along the lines of "your child stole from me and I feel that under the circs I cannot have someone I do not trust in my house"

There ya go, job done

Daisymasie · 12/05/2014 10:58

They're acting like they're some kind of charity case. Yes, a holiday by the sea is nice - but it's not a huge deprivation in life if you have to go the occasional Summer without one.
I would tell them you're not happy about having their daughter in the house as she attempted to steal a piece of your jewellery last year. If they're offended, so be it. They didn't seem to mind offending you last year by offering no apology for their daughter's disgraceful behaviour.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 12/05/2014 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 12/05/2014 10:59

Yes, forgettable has the wording exactly right. Say that.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 11:01

OldBag is the pisstaking parent.

She stole an heirloom bracelet twice. She threw it at its owner.

The parents saw her throw it back. They did FA.

They guilt trip for a free holiday.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 12/05/2014 11:01

I would say no to them staying again. I wouldn't fee comfortable having them in my home.
You are still clearly upset about what happened (understandable) so I doubt it will make for a pleasant visit for you.
Say no to them staying. They clearly are using you for a free holiday, and that on its own is bad enough, but their child disrespected you and stole from you. By letting them stay they will never learn that their behaviour (the daughter for stealing, the parents for using you) was unacceptable.

Shewhowines · 12/05/2014 11:02

She sounds like a troubled girl. I feel sorry for her (although I still wouldn't have her back without evidence of a massive change).

She was caught with it on her wrist so she knew, you knew she had stolen it the first time. She should have thanked her lucky stars that you didn't create a fuss then. No way would a sane teenager then steal the same thing, from the same person without expecting to get caught, unless they wanted to get caught for some reason. It sounds like a cry for help.

An honest talk with her parents might make your way forward a bit clearer.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 12/05/2014 11:02

Are you mad? Your 'friends' saw that their daughter STOLE a valuable piece of jewellery from you, there's been NO apology, but they're perfectly upfront about wanting to use you for a free holiday?

Um, no way would they be staying. And yes I would have expected a fucking big apology!

I'd be emailing back and saying actually, I've had a long think about this and I'm not happy with you staying. As you know full well, last time you were here X tried to steal valuable jewellery from me. I've had no apology for that, no information on whether she was even disciplined. I'm afraid that to be perfectly honest your lack of reaction and apology for her behaviour simply makes me afraid we'll have the same problem again. So I'm sorry for changing my mind, but a few days with the thought of you staying here again has made me feel pretty anxious. And also angry, to be honest - I had no contact apologising for the theft, but you were quick enough to get in touch when you wanted somewhere to stay.

perfumedlife · 12/05/2014 11:02

Wow. Exactly what expat said! How can you even contemplate having these rude people back in your home?

OnlyLovers · 12/05/2014 11:04

They've got a fucking cheek telling you that 'coming to us with no hotel costs was the only way they can have a holiday by the sea.'

So, essentially, 'we don't necessarily like you or enjoy our holidays with you that much, but it's either that or no seaside so we just put up with it.'

I agree with forgettable too, but would add 'and she didn't apologise and, as far as I could tell, wasn't asked to.'

Shewhowines · 12/05/2014 11:04

same thing from the same person again - I mean

Shewhowines · 12/05/2014 11:05

I think people are failing to realise that she stole it twice. - except expat

OldBagWantsNewBag · 12/05/2014 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HauntedNoddyCar · 12/05/2014 11:08

My Dd has Aspergers and she is coming up to 8. She has recently stolen some things.

She has been made to hand the things back and apologise properly. And been punished. I take it very seriously and am absolutely mortified that this has happened. I've apologised.

I don't see how you can have them to stay without some acknowledgement and agreement of how to handle it happening again. Dd knows that she may be searched when she leaves a house!