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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for an apology or just leave it

271 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 12/05/2014 10:08

Last year some friends came for a Holiday with their 14 yo DD. Quite frankly the girl was nightmare but assume no different from any other 14 yo's forced to come on holiday with their parents traipsing round stately homes and the like. She spent all of the evenings on her ipad but again I guess that's normal teenage behaviour.

She perked up a bit when I let her look at my jewellery and was very taken with a gated bracelet in rose gold with a lozenge dangling from it that used to hang from my Great Granddads fob watch.

The day after she saw it when we were out I noticed it on her wrist I was a bit upset as its a family heirloom and didn't want it to get lost, I didn't make a thing about it just told her I never take it out and put it in my handbag.

The day they left just when they were about to leave I suddenly had a 'feeling' looked in my jewellery case and it was gone.

I tried to ask her away from her parents if she had it but she went into one took it out of her pocket and threw it at me her mum was so embarrassed but as they had to leave to get their ferry I had to leave it.

I had assumed she had disciplined her DD and had hoped that I would get a least an email saying sorry but the incident has never been mentioned again.

Now they want to come again in August I asked my friend if her DD was happy about coming but as she said they don't have much money and coming to us with no hotel costs was the only way they can have a holiday by the sea.

AIBU to at least expect an apology from the girl when she is here, am assuming that at age 15 she might be more willing to do so.

I am happy for them all to come but TBH I am still a bit upset by it all.

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 12/05/2014 11:08

I wouldn't have them back as none of them have any respect for you and you are being taken for a mug. If you aren't sure just tell them you have other people in August.

NatashaBee · 12/05/2014 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 12/05/2014 11:11

This has bad news written allllll over it! Don't have them to stay, you will never be able to relax, and they will simply take advantage over and over again. Make excuses, just say no it doesn't work, whatever you want, but DO NOT have them to stay. EVER.

GlaikitFizzog · 12/05/2014 11:11

Bit of a cheek tbh. I find if you need to ask for an apology they then tend to not mean it.

Maybe point out that she wasn't very happy staying with you last time. Are they sure they want to go to the expense of ferries etc whe. They could maybe do something day trip wise their dd would enjoy more?

Ps. How are the penguins?

BeggingYouForBirdseed · 12/05/2014 11:11

Ywnbu to tell them to fuck right off! I wouldn't have the little madam back in the house especially if she hadn't apologised. At 14 she should have apologised herself. I can't imagine how mortified I would be if that was my daughter, I'd be far too embarrassed to ask to come back!

forgettable words it brilliantly. You should reply with that. If they get arsey about it, it's their problem.

TSSDNCOP · 12/05/2014 11:11

She's a kid, and kids do stupid and unpleasant things.

But

The lack of contrition
Failure of the parents to make her apologise
Evident feeling that you're their only way of scoring a cheap seaside holiday

All add up to a big No from me. I would be sad to see a friendship die, but if they can't see why they have a major issue.

Groovee · 12/05/2014 11:14

They want a free holiday and you to accept them in to your home without any consideration or apologies for last year. I'd just say no. A holiday is not a right!

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 12/05/2014 11:15

I wouldn't let them back in my house after that as I'd be constantly worried that she'd nick something again. I'd suggest that they buy a tent and go camping if they need a holiday by the sea that much.

DorisAllTheDay · 12/05/2014 11:17

I think part of your response has to depend on how close you are/were/want to be with the girl's parents, and what you feel able to say to them. If it's a friendship you value and don't want to lose, and you genuinely would like to offer them hospitality, I'd say something like, 'Look, I'd love you to stay but I don't feel I can trust your DD after she stole twice from me last year. What can you/she do to rebuild that trust so that I feel OK about having her in the house?' If this results in some kind of action e.g. genuine apology and assurance that you're happy with, fine. If not, refuse to have them.

If it's not a particularly close friendship and you're not that bothered about having them to stay, then I would just cut your losses now and walk away. It's your house and they're not entitled to knowingly allow their DD to abuse your hospitality. Offering them the opportunity to rebuild trust would be an act of kindness on your part, but you're not obliged to do it.

Whatever you decide, I certainly would not recommend having them to stay with no more said. Even if their DD has got through a difficult phase, you'd be on tenterhooks all the time wondering what's going to disappear next.

Squirrelsmum · 12/05/2014 11:18

It seems to me that the daughter tried twice to take your bracelet, apology or not I would tell them to buy a tent if they want a cheap holiday.

Doooooowop · 12/05/2014 11:19

I would be upfront and say that you are not happy to host the term after the incident and had she been forthcoming with an apology by email or letter then you might be feeling more relaxed about a potential holiday with the teen again. See what they reply with?

If they come you will be on tenterhooks, in your own homehowever having said your piece in advance might make them parent their DD better.

ZenNudist · 12/05/2014 11:30

Just tell then it's not convenient for them to stay, try not to make a big deal of it and don't be guilt tripped into being their free hotel.

If they were contrite they would have apologised by now. Like you say, an email would be the least you'd expect.

I hope they sent flowers and thanked you for last years holiday?

Some people are really ignorant. The friendship isn't worth saving but saying no to holiday and not making fuss about stealing is best way to leave the door open for future continued friendship.

Sneezecakesmum · 12/05/2014 11:30

I wouldn't have her or her family in my house ever again.

Shewhowines · 12/05/2014 11:42

Good point zen
Did they buy flowers, meals or show any other signs of being appreciative of last years holiday?

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2014 11:45

Just refuse to let them stay!

The dd stole, threw the item at you, didn't apologise, and they didn't either?! And are now guilt tripping you about their finances making you their only option?

Don't be a doormat.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 12/05/2014 11:48

No I would not let them come back just on the basis they see you as a free holiday not to mention the their thieving dd and lack of apology

drinkingtea · 12/05/2014 11:57

I also wouldn't have somebody to stay who opennly admitted they were using me as a free B&B that would just have to do on the basis of being better than no holiday... Hmm even before considering the fact the daughter stole something valuable twice last time... Friend should be in inverted commas, surely?

spindlyspindler · 12/05/2014 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cereal0ffender · 12/05/2014 12:07

I wouldn't have them back in the house

Tinkerball · 12/05/2014 12:16

I can't believe they haven't said anything go you since but equally why you haven't raised it with them.

Topaz25 · 12/05/2014 12:18

She stole from you! Her parents have a cheek asking to stay again without even acknowledging or apologising for the incident. I would refuse and make it clear why. What have you got to lose when they clearly don't care about your feelings or possessions? This is not real friendship, they are using you for a cheap holiday!

Topaz25 · 12/05/2014 12:19

Actually I think it's cheeky full stop for them to invite themselves to someone else's home.

Ludoole · 12/05/2014 12:19

When ds2 was 5 he "borrowed" a gold watch from his friends house. Not only did he apologise in person, he wrote a lovely letter to his friends mum and used some money out of his piggy bank to buy some chocolates.

He has never taken anything since.

GreenShadow · 12/05/2014 12:24

We had a similar thing happen when one of DS3's friends attempted to take home some relatively expensive and desirable toys.

Luckily (for me), he was acting incredibly shiftily both just before leaving (shut himself in DS's room by himself) and then keeping a hand over his pockets while trying to get his shoes on. I hated accusing him, but obviously had no choice. His mum wasn't impressed but didn't make a big fuss (at least within our hearing) and just left. I'm not usually one to make a big thing about apologies, but did feel a quick word from either her or DS next time we saw them would have been polite.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2014 12:29

Message her links to campsites and online retailers of camping goods. Tell her to get her klepto daughter to steal some jewellery from a few shops to pay for it.