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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
DealForTheKids · 12/05/2014 13:58

And in answer to the OP, I would probably mention it to DP (if only because he's so much better with advice than I am!) but if I was asked specifically not to then wouldn't dream of it. And DP knows full well not to bring it up with the person in question unless they raise it first!

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/05/2014 13:58

littleredsquirrel actually that is giving your friends the option.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 13:59

Don't be silly about a 'Chinese wall'. It's called discretion, and indeed a sense of boundaries. And respect for your friends/workplace.

littleredsquirrel · 12/05/2014 14:00

That would actually be quite unusual Deal. Most confidentiality clauses are quite strict. You shouldn't be telling your DP anything that is governed by a confidentiality clause.

Completely different of course to something told to you outside of a work environment.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:02

I'd probably say don't tell me then

Wow, lovely friend you are.

TillyTellTale · 12/05/2014 14:02

I think this thread is great, really.

I've always wondered the exact track that secrets take, in order to become public knowledge. Although, as I said before, blabbing to a partner seems less of a crime than blabbing to others, it hadn't occurred to me how much of this seepage of secrets might be due to people including spouses.

I guess it's a lot of it, then.

MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2014 14:03

No, I wouldnt tell. Id respect my friend's confidence and I don't see why I need to spill out her business to my OH and that just because he is with me, then by extension he is automaticll privy to private information about her. I won't disrespect a friend like that. Ive had this kind of situation with friends before. I wont make a big deal about it with them but I keep conversations very superficial where I know they tell their hubby everything. Very indiscreet of your friend's hubby, OP, to make you aware that he knew. Still in the future you know - don't tell her anything of importance.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:04

My best friend was raped and at the time I was the only person she would speak to. She gave me pretty grim details and made me promise I wouldn't tell.

If you lot were in my position, would you have told your DP's? Are you that unable to hold your own water you'd run home like good little women and abuse your friend's trust, telling your DP/DH something extremely personal and harrowing that isn't yours to tell?

struggling100 · 12/05/2014 14:06

I think it depends on the secret, and on the couple.

DH and I are very close, and I tell him most things. I would definitely tell him a secret if I felt that it would be corrosive to our relationship not to. But I make sure my friends all understand this upfront. For example, when one of my friends had to have an abortion in secret I went with her to the clinic, and spent the night at her house to make sure she was OK. If I hadn't told DH where I was, and why, I think he might have wondered as it would have been really out of character for me to spend a night away without it being for work. (Let alone if he heard from someone I'd been to the clinic - he might really have got the wrong idea!).

I generally don't feel it's healthy for most couples to keep much private from each other, but this is just a personal view.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:08

I generally don't feel it's healthy for most couples to keep much private from each other

That would make sense if it's your own business you're keeping private, but it's not. It's your friends business which should have no impact on your relationship.

bideyinn · 12/05/2014 14:09

I don't share confidences with my DP as they are not my secrets to tell. I think it's very insensitive.

Thurlow · 12/05/2014 14:11

I'd never tell OH if it was a serious, genuine please-don't-tell-anyone secret.

I'm me. He's him. We are not the Borg.

The fact that so many people tell their OH's such secrets never even crossed my mind before MN.

everlong · 12/05/2014 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 12/05/2014 14:12

struggling, in that situation I would have told my OH that my friend needed me to be there but not why. It's not your place to share that level of information, especially if you were the only person your friend had told. And if my OH didn't trust me when I said I needed to spend that night with a friend, there would be bigger issues at work.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:13

everlong should they really have to specify though? Surely 'dont tell anyone' or the fact they've chosen to confide in you in the first place is enough?

or should it be 'dont tell anyone, including your husband, your mum, your dog...'

Martorana · 12/05/2014 14:17

There have been threads like this before- and I was as horrified and outraged then as I am by this one. Since when has "please don't tell anyone" meant "please don't tell anyone- but it's OK for you to tell your Dp"?

Sharing a confidence you have agreed to keep is a disgusting thing to do- whoever you share it with.

OddFodd · 12/05/2014 14:18

Really DealForTheKids? None of the NDAs I've signed say that it's okay if I blab to someone just because I happen to be married to them.

everlong · 12/05/2014 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 14:24

No people shouldn't have to specify not to tell DHs. Don't tell anyone means don't tell anyone

Anyone- a person other than yourself. Are you your dh? No of course your not so ergo he's anyone/someone else.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:25

God how tiring to have to run through a list of people when all you're wanting to do is a share a secret.

If this secret was something massive and quite upsetting, I'd be furious at having to stipulate different people. ANYONE means anyone. Final.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 14:27

Why do people possibly think it's OK to tell their Dp? On what planet is that OK????????????

everlong · 12/05/2014 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 12/05/2014 14:33

We were talking about people saying 'dont tell anyone'. Anyone includes your DP. That isn't expecting people to be mind readers

eddielizzard · 12/05/2014 14:34

i can see some people would tell their dh.

i don't and i know my dh has kept confidences. this is normal to me. we don't become one person just because we're married. a confidence told to me is just that. i won't tell anyone.

cutefluffybunnes · 12/05/2014 14:34

If any friend said, Don't tell anyone - I'd assume that meant no one. Including DH. If it doesn't involve him in any way, why on earth does he need to know? I assume his family and friends have said things to him over the years in confidence, and I've not suffered any by not knowing every intimate detail of their lives. As long as he tells me HIS business, we're okay.