To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

"You can't expect people to be mind readers."

But you expect people to be able to read your mind. Otherwise how are they going to know that when you say "no of course I won't tell anyone" you mean "anyone except my Dp"

Mind reader?

What's to be a mind reader about "don't tell anyone"

It's self explanatory.

I sometimes think Giles is me

Thurlow - as I said in my last post, I checked that the friend in question was happy for me to tell DH about it before I did so.

As all our friends are in common, and as she happens to be DH's ex, it would have been very odd for me to go over to her house without him for an evening without some explanation. (He would normally also have been on the front line of support for her but for obvious reasons, he couldn't be in this case).

"You can't expect people to be mind readers"

But it wouldn't cross my mind that they would tell their DH!

You can't be a mind-reader yourself.

I don't just think it's a matter of him divulging though, it's the fact you're telling something about someone else that isn't yours to tell. They chose to trust you, but you feel you need tell someone else? I don't think that's fair.

I feel that when a lady is specifically told "do not tell anyone", it's usually understood as "MAKE SURE YOU TELL EVERYONE, or at least tell one person, who'll then gossip".

But it doesn't matter that you know him inside out or that he won't divulge. That's not the point. You were trusted to not to tell anyone. And as for being burdened, well hour friends going to feel far worse when he or she discovers that she can't trust you to keep a secret.

Yanbu you told her not to tell, so she should not have told her dh, unless it concerns him. Just because you are married to someone does not mean all information should be shared.

How's your

Or just your
Bloody typos

That's not the point though is it everlong.

There's just certain things you only want certain people knowing. If she wanted your DH to know she'll have told him

We tell each other everything whether we are asked to or not. No secrets between us, nor should there be in a strong, trusting relationship IMO.

Unless your friend found out through conversation down the line tht you tell dh every thing.

Or she tells dh when she pops over and he slips up slightly and says "yes we...."

Or she was talking to someone else who mentioned that you told dh about something after it got out and he appeared to know already...

But again, it's not the point

Do you tell them when you've had a particularly large poo?

Do you tell them about every sexual encounter you've ever had?

Or would that be oversharing? Bit like sharing your friend's secret would be.

Golferman - what if you were on a jury?

I'd say an inability to maintain confidences is a demonstration of anything but a strong, trusting relationship. It smacks to me of insecurity

"No secrets between us, nor should there be in a strong, trusting relationship"

But something a friend has told you in confidence isn't a secret, not in the same way. It's probably no more that random gossip to your OH, so why is not telling them 'keeping a secret'?

Didn't J K Rowling get outed by a tattling spouse, when it was obvious that the information (about her writing under a pseudonym) should not have been shared? I'm sure the people involved swore blind they'd keep it secret, and look how that turned out. Wonder if the lawyer who trusted their spouse was able to justify their breech of client confidence by claiming it was to be expected they'd share with their spouse who they trusted implicitly?

Of course there's such a thing as over sharing.

I know I'd worry about my DHs ability to keep a secret if they told me all their friends private information.

To trust them surely you have to see them act in a way that enables them to be trusted.

You don't "over share" when you're married. No such thing.

really?