To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

I think if you are one of those who do break trust by telling then its down to you to be totally open about this with other people by telling them before they disclose any information to you.

Not doing so is dishonest

Yeah, Alisvolatpropiis, way to miss my point. You don't have to tell him about your friend's smear test, but it's your right to do so if you want to. And yes I do think that people who put other relationships ahead of their marriage are on the fast track to splitsville. Sorry.

Thurlow, for me, kids would definitely mean life partner, though I can understand if other people felt that way about someone even if they didn't have kids together. It's up to the individual, really, I was just giving my opinion on when a relationship become primary. If you don't have a partner, then no, you probably don't have the right to tell anyone else.

I believe that anyone who assumes they have the right to tell their partner everything is a pretty crap friend and has a very skewed idea of morality.

Well, that's certainly your right to believe that, but clearly lots of people disagree, so I'd be careful with your assumptions in the future.

MaidOfStars, How does me not telling my husband that Friend A had a termination at 19 years old, or that Friend B had severe cold feet about their marriage, or that Friend C one snogged Friend D, fail to prioritise my primary relationship?

It doesn't - and I never said that. I said not believing you have the right to tell your DH if you want to because of loyalty to friends A, B, C and D would be failing to prioritise your primary relationship, which should be more important to you than your friendships.

Martorana, When my mother was dying I prioritized her over my partner- when his mother has psychotic episodes he prioritises her over me.

There's a difference between giving time and attention to close friends and family when they need it, and prioritising their needs ahead of your partner's. In your above examples, I doubt the other partner was saying, 'You're spending too much time with your mother, I don't like it.' And if they had, that would be unreasonable. But if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's.

motherinferior, it's fine for other people to matter to you, but not for them to matter more to you than your life partner. Obviously.

"But if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's."

Always ? Why?

You mean it's obvious to you.

if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's.

That's just your opinion. Me, I'm a free agent able to make my own choices, thanks.

You've got this pyramid hierarchy of Partner at the top and then Everyone Else below. Just don't expect everyone to share it. And do stop making these Predictions of Doom. MN's full of the stories of women who did in fact put their partners first and split up anyway, so it's just a bit silly to keep on banging that particular drum.

You don't have to tell him about your friend's smear test, but it's your right to do so if you want to.

You see, in my (presumably, to your mind warped) world-view, that's quite immoral, really. It's her cervix, not his.

I said not believing you have the right to tell your DH if you want to because of loyalty to friends A, B, C and D would be failing to prioritise your primary relationship, which should be more important to you than your friendships

But this still makes no sense to me, you've just reiterated your stance.

My primary relationship is, in general, more important to me than my "secondary" friendships, OK we'll go with that.

I do not believe that I have the automatic right to pass on my friends' secrets to anyone. You think this fails to prioritise my primary relationship. In what way? What do you mean by "prioritise"?

If I feel that keeping the secret would in some way damage my primary relationship, I may be inclined to tell. However, I would have to expect "real" damage, not the rather abstract notion I think you are pushing, which is that the withholding of secrets is, in itself, damage to a relationship?

But if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's.

Well, as any person who demanded information about his partner's friends would be making an unreasonable demand, I guess we're in agreement that it's right for people to keep schtum!

There's such a breathtaking arrogance in thinking that you are entitled to tell your partner of your friend's health issues. Certainly not a trait I'd look for in a life partner.

I take it that OPohdear doesn't work as an HCP. Well, I bloody hope she doesn't.

She'd be prioritising work over her partner! Divorce or sacking would surely ensue.

If you don't have a partner, then no, you probably don't have the right to tell anyone else

If you stop and look at that comment - really, how awful is that? So if you are single for whatever reason, tough shit, you just have to put up with secrets that are bothering you, but if you happen to be seeing someone, you are allowed to share other people's secrets? Even though I'm arguing for the exact opposite of that statement, even I can see how inherently unequal and hypocritical that comment is.

But if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's - I agree with motherinferior on this, and to echo your earlier comment to me, I would be careful with your assumptions that everyone else would do that.

I don't want to look as if I am picking on you because I'm just coming back to your comments at the moment, but I really don't understand them. Take You don't have to tell him about your friend's smear test, but it's your right to do so if you want to. The information about her smear test belongs to your friend. When she 'gives' that information to you, regardless of the reason why, how does that become your information to do with what you want? It is not your right to give anything you want to your partner when it was not yours in the first place.

OPohdear

It isn't "my right" to divulge details of a friends smear test to my dp. I'd go bonkers if I found out a friend had shared details of something like that with her partner.

I think some people here are overestimating how interested their partners are in people who have nothing to do with them.

Thurlow, So if you are single for whatever reason, tough shit, you just have to put up with secrets that are bothering you, but if you happen to be seeing someone, you are allowed to share other people's secrets?

Not 'happen to be seeing someone', but in a life partnership. I guess you could call it one of the 'perks'. The point is that a life partnership has supremacy over all other relationships by definition, while even a 40+ year friendship doesn't.

But if you're asked to choose between satisfying the reasonable demands of two people, then you have to pick your partner's

This is obvious - if you refuse to satisfy your partner's reasonable demand because you're too busy satisfying someone else's, they have every right to get pissed off with you!

When she 'gives' that information to you, regardless of the reason why, how does that become your information to do with what you want?

Not 'to do with what you want', but by 'giving' you the information, she should accept it is now yours to share with your life partner if you want to. She 'gave' it to you, after all.

TillyTellTale, yes the key issue is what's reasonable (hence the name of this board). Oh, and I'm a he, not a she ('by parents for parents').

MaidOfStars, I restated my position because you misrepresented it. And you're still missing my point - it's not that you must tell your DP every secret you hear, but that, if you want to (for whatever reason, eg it's worrying you, or it affects them in some way, or you think it will strengthen your primary relationship) then no-one can tell you that you don't have that right. But be prepared for some fallout from the friend if they find out...

Its fine for other people to matter to you, but not for them to matter more to you than your life partner. Obviously

Why? Who says you have to choose. What's going to happen if you dont tell your partner about your friend? Does an alarm go off that you have witheld a tiny scrap of information about your day?

Why is it not possible to hae a conversation with someone and not go running to a partner? Are you trying to pore you are the most open honest secret less person on the planet or are you just a gossip?

What would happen. Seriously?

Prove

"This is obvious - if you refuse to satisfy your partner's reasonable demand because you're too busy satisfying someone else's, they have every right to get pissed off with you!"

Really?? In my relationship it would be perfectly fine to say "I know you want X, but I think I'm going to have to go and do Y for Fred. Can we do X next week?" And no, my Dp would not have the right to be pissed off. Disappointed, possibly, but not pissed off.

Not 'happen to be seeing someone', but in a life partnership. I guess you could call it one of the 'perks'. The point is that a life partnership has supremacy over all other relationships by definition, while even a 40+ year friendship doesn't

That sounds like you have been brain washed tbh.

Sounds like some mantra from a controlling arse that this he/she is the centre of the univers.

Have you friends left if they are so easily ditches thaks to a partner who seems to now own all aspects of your life such as free will, to know what's appropriate to share and what's not.

I can't believe that someone like OPohdear actually exists.

I'm actually worried about her. Her life partner seems to have her well and truly brainwashed and appears to even own her thoughts and feelings and controls whatshe says to who.

Not 'to do with what you want', but by 'giving' you the information, she should accept it is now yours to share with your life partner if you want to. She 'gave' it to you, after all.

I disagree - which is the point of this thread, clearly, with some very entrenched positions. A friend who has asked you not to tell anyone does not have to accept that it is now yours to share with your life partner when they asked you not to tell anyone. Anyone. That means don't tell a soul.

I would say that I would reserve every right to be pissed off in return with my partner if they expected me to tell them something I had said I couldn't, because it was private and not my secret to tell them. Even if it created some slight problems, I would expect the man I chose to be with to hold similar standards to be and respect that I as holding a friend's confidence.

If, for example, a friend asked me to go to hospital with them for something very private they didn't want anyone to know about, and that involved my partner juggling his day to help with childcare, I still wouldn't tell him the exact details. I would say that my friend needed me, and it wasn't my information to share, and I hope he would trust and respect me that this was what I/we needed to do. And I know that my partner values my morals, and would respect that it was not my information to share.

So, OPohdear, is it that you have the right to tell your partner all about your friends' lives, or that she wouldn't love you enough if she didn't tell you everything about hers?

P.S: we've just celebrated our 11th anniversary. No sign of divorce here yet...

Jeez, Giles, another one missing my point!

Why is it not possible to hae a conversation with someone and not go running to a partner?

Of course it is - I'm not saying you have to tell your DP, I'm saying it's your right to tell them if you want to.

fatlazymummy, I can't believe half the people here have ever had life partners. No really, I can't.

Why is it your right to blab someone else's personal information? You're still to make that clear.

It's a bloke, Thurlow.

Why would you want to though that's the point. Why would you want to actively betray your friend just to exveecise some right to tell your partner?

A partner who may not even know the friend or care.

You might want to, you might be tempted to, you might be physically able to but no, it's not your right.