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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
xeno · 13/05/2014 20:40

Now read the rest of the thread and I'm even more baffled. Shock at all the double standards! but glad to be enlightened... Grin

scattaboy · 13/05/2014 21:01

I think yabu a bit,I tell DH EVERYTHING,also my best friend and our neighbour (two different people) also a few select work colleagues, our postman who is very friendly and my Granny.Other than that your secret would be safe with me.

Hogwash · 13/05/2014 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 14/05/2014 07:05

DH and I are a team. We met yonks ago and have supported each other through good and bad times. I love and respect my DH. However I also love and respect my close friends and wouldn't betray their trust.

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 14/05/2014 07:11

I think if you are asked to keep a secret, those that blab to their hubby's need to fess up before they are actually told the secret. So ...

'Can I tell you something but I don't want you to tell anyone'
'Yes I won't tell anyone except DH'

OP I'd tell your friend that you are not going to confined in her anymore as she isn't able to hold your confidence.

SarahAndFuck · 14/05/2014 09:56

BarbarianMum your example is one that most people wouldn't be able to keep secret, no, because it involves an extremely distressed person actually moving into your home for a considerable length of time.

That's something that would obviously need to be discussed in more depth than "dunno" or "personal reasons" would cover, although it is possible to say "X is in a bad way because she's dealing with the aftermath of being abused as a child and she can't stay at home right now. I can't go into details of what happened but she needs somewhere to stay for a few weeks. Can she come here?"

And equally to say "X you know you are more than welcome to come and stay but I will need to tell DH why it's necessary. I won't go into details but I do need to tell him what you are facing right now so he understands why you need to stay with us for a while. He won't say anything to anyone."

Then everyone knows where they stand. And obviously that would have been said in your own words rather than mine but I imagine the gist would be the same.

But that is a very extreme example, as are some of the other hypothetical ones being given on the thread, and the OP wasn't talking about anything that major or horrific, to use her own words.

And without her telling all of us (and thereby making her friends breach of confidence a moot point Grin ) we can only imagine it was something small but private, nothing that her friend would need support or advice of her DH over, nothing that would impact on his life in any way, nothing that would require a favour from either of them, nothing the friend would have to lie about.

So really, a small, private confidence that the OP should have been able to share and the OP's friend should have been able to keep to herself without any difficulty.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 11:36

It's ridiculous, unreasonable and selfish to ask or expect anyone to keep anything from their life partner. For most people, their marriage (or life partnership) is the most important relationship in their life, and to expect them to put a friendship ahead of that is, again, ridiculous, unreasonable and selfish. It's clear from this thread that many people consider it their right to share everything with their life partners, so my advice to those of you with secrets to offload would be, don't tell your friends anything you wouldn't be comfortable with their life partners knowing. But I think you've probably figured that out by now already.

squoosh · 14/05/2014 11:41

'life partner' makes me want to puke.

Swoosg · 14/05/2014 11:45

I don't tell my partner everything my friends tell me... he's so not interested for a start. If a friend asked me not to tell anyone, I wouldn't... unless not telling caused me stress. My dh would never ever let on that he knew though. Your friend's husband is an idiot!

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 11:49

I don't give away my friends' secrets to my husband. I have been known to openly refuse to elaborate to him in order to protect their secrets (although I'd mostly claim not to have any knowledge of XYZ).

Those saying they would tell, do you mean:

  1. You get home and deliberately tell apropos of nothing? For me, that's just gossiping and I can't see how it somehow betrays your relationship to keep your mouth shut.
  2. You might answer a conversational question by revealing the secret? More understandable, perhaps. So if s/he asks "How was Friend after that situation last week?", you might reply by telling him the secret?
Thurlow · 14/05/2014 11:50

But OPohdear, how is keeping a secret than in the majority of cases probably does not affect let alone even interest your partner putting your friendship ahead of your relationship?

This thread has highlighted a few minority examples where a partner might be affected in which case you would need to tell them. But the majority of secrets probably don't affect the partner and they don't need to know. Would you really tell them in that situation? How is that different, to you, from gossiping?

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 12:13

Thurlow, it's not about whether you would or should tell your life partner (puke away, squoosh) a friend's secret, it's about whether you have the right to do so. In many cases there would be no reason to tell, so there's no need to tell. But if you felt there was a reason to tell, then I think it's your right. And the fact that many people here agree shows it's a good idea to assume that anyone you tell a secret to might end up telling their life partner.

Feeling like you don't have the right to tell your life partner something you want to, for whatever reason, would be putting your friendship ahead of your primary relationship.

squoosh · 14/05/2014 12:17

'Feeling like you don't have the right to tell your life partner something you want to, for whatever reason, would be putting your friendship ahead of your primary relationship.'

What absolute drivel.

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 12:19

See, I just don't get that at all. I just don't get how decided to be with someone (like I said before, whether that's getting married, buying a house, having kids) gives you the right to divulge your friend's secrets to them. After all, when do they become your life partner and privy to all your friends secrets? When is that magic cut off point? Should I assume only my friends who are married will do this, or that a friend who has been with a boyfriend six months will do this, as she sees him as a 'keeper'?

I know we're all going round in circles with this debate but I genuinely, truly do not understand how being in a long-term relationship with someone gives you the right to blatantly ignore requests and wishes from friends, and why your needs and wishes overrides theirs, then it was their secret in the first place?

squoosh · 14/05/2014 12:19

If the issue in question has absolutely nothing to do with one's 'life partner' (puke) the only possible reason you could have for telling them is that you're a gossip.

motherinferior · 14/05/2014 12:21

There's nothing actually wrong with putting your friends first sometimes. We need - emotionally, psychologically, probably even physically if you look at the research into longevity and social networks - people in our lives that we love and trust and are trusted by. Not just investing everything in one relationship.

My life is enriched by having more than one person to love and be loved by, in different ways.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 12:37

When is that magic cut off point?

I think it's probably when you have kids. After that you really are life partners (hopefully).

I genuinely, truly do not understand how being in a long-term relationship with someone gives you the right to blatantly ignore requests and wishes from friends

It's about prioritising your primary relationship above all others. Again, I'm not saying you should reveal a friend's secret, but if you want to for the sake of your primary relationship, then you have that right. Anyone who doesn't assume that is a fool (see this thread). If you want to tell a friend something you really don't want them to tell their DP, then you have to say, 'Don't tell your DP' and give your friend the option of saying, 'Sorry, we don't keep anything from each other.'

There's nothing actually wrong with putting your friends first sometimes.

There's something very wrong about putting a friendship ahead of the most important relationship in your life! That way divorce lies...

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/05/2014 12:43

OPohdear

"That way divorce lies" Hmm

I won't prioritise my dp above everybody else unfailingly. I have other family members who at that time, might be more deserving of being put first.

I don't tell my dp lots of things, I don't consciously not tell him, it just doesn't cross my mind to tell him.

However now you've pointed out that me not telling him about my friends smear test results which she was worried about, for example, is jeapordising my relationship with him I'll get to it telling him everything.

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 12:48

What if you don't have kids? Why then? So my friend who has been in a relationship with three years and had a baby has more right to tell her partner something secret than my friend who is married but doesn't have kids yet?

There are a couple of points that really bother me about this idea that you just can tell your OH something if you want to, that you have a right to do this. One is that everyone's definition of when their partner becomes close enough to know everything is different, which creates problems. Another is that friendships are being demeaned by some posters, as if a friend of 30+ years can no longer be that important to you.

And the last is the inherent smugness of some posters' opinions - I have a partner, I have a husband, so I can tell him anything, we're half of one whole etc. What if you don't have a partner and you want to unburden yourself? Who are you allowed to tell then?

You say that anyone who doesn't assume that a friend tells their partner everything is a fool. I believe that anyone who assumes they have the right to tell their partner everything is a pretty crap friend and has a very skewed idea of morality.

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 12:51

It's about prioritising your primary relationship above all others

How does me not telling my husband that Friend A had a termination at 19 years old, or that Friend B had severe cold feet about their marriage, or that Friend C one snogged Friend D, fail to prioritise my primary relationship? In order to argue so, you have to demonstrate that my primary relationship has somehow suffered because I have not revealed these secrets, no?

Martorana · 14/05/2014 12:52

One of the things that characterizes a relationship likely to last is the fact that you don't need to put it first all the time. You are secure and confident enough for one or the other to be content to take a back seat for others. When my mother was dying I prioritized her over my partner- when his mother has psychotic episodes he prioritises her over me. When our children were small we both put them first. Sometimes we both put friends first- but we know with absolute certainty that we will come back to each other when the need has passed. Maybe it's something about not being married? We don't feel we have anything to prove.........

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 12:53

There are a couple of points that really bother me about this idea that you just can tell your OH something if you want to, that you have a right to do this

I agree, it's bothersome. I would come at it from the opposite direction to OPohdear: you do not have any right to reveal a friend's secret to your partner. However, in some cases, there may be mitigating circumstances that excuse you revealing it.

motherinferior · 14/05/2014 12:54

I suppose if I'd married a man who was so insecure that he always had to come first and refused to believe that other people also mattered to him, he might divorce me, yes.

On the other hand I wouldn't exactly be lonely, would I, because I'd have some good friends. Grin

Fortunately, Mr Inferior is a rather nice and sensible adult.

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 12:56

Just as there would be mitigating circumstances in some of the examples given above. You might need to tell your mum something, if she helps with your childcare, for example.

In most of the examples given earlier in the thread the reasons for telling someone are actually quite clear, because the poster actually can't get through supporting a friend (looking after kids, offering them a place to stay) without needing to share part of the secret with someone, most likely their partner, but it could be someone else.

LividofLondon · 14/05/2014 12:57

YANBU. Your friends argument that you should've added "...including your DP" is warped IMHO. Would she also expect you to say, "oh, and also don't tell your mum or your sisters" or she'd think it OK to tell them too because they're family? What happens if she and her DH split and he then has no loyalty to her to keep your secret!?

If I'm told something in confidence it doesn't get passed on to ANYONE. This would include my DP. If I did anything else I'd feel I'd betrayed the confessor's trust.

"Isn't that quite a big part of a relationship? Not having secrets?"
I agree, but I think keeping other people's secrets is a little different to hiding your own personal info from your partner.