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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 10:26

But why does the talking have to involve private Informatiom about friends.

There's books, tv,pets, work, weather, something funny on the bus, the kids, etc there's loads to talk about *other than that one^ thing surely?

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 10:27

So again you're making your friends secret about you though..

Nice that, discussing your friend's private business casually over a glass of wine.

everlong · 13/05/2014 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 13/05/2014 10:32

Er...because that is what this thread is about? Accusing someone about being obsessed with the subject of the thread is a bit like the 'have you got a fella' implication that we are all sad losers who Don't Have A Boyfriend so do not understand the true nature of a Real Relationship.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 10:32

I'm not. But you haven't answered the question. Why can't you talk about other things?

Thurlow · 13/05/2014 10:33

I imagine Giles is as interested in this as other's of us are, and that is finding out that things we may have told friends in complete confidence have just been idly shared over a glass of wine with their DH, with no thought given to how we, the person who this actually affects, might feel about it.

That's not too hard to understand, is it?

There is one thing that I told a friend in trust and confidence, and the thought that her DH knows... That's deeply, deeply hurtful. It was private, it was something I only wanted a close female friend to know. Yet according to some on MN, it's absolutely fine that she sat and shared this with her DH because her 'telling her husband everything' is more important than my trust in her?

everlong · 13/05/2014 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 10:48

There you go again, trying to turn it around on everyone else for being obsessed or that we need to "get real" because it doesn't happen every night.

It does not in my eyes or many others excuse betraying a friends trust like that. You just keep making it about ylu and how you feel about it.

twofingerstoGideon · 13/05/2014 10:49

everlong I have found some of these comments rude and condescending. If I'm honest.

So have I. Especially this one: Have any of you lot even got a fella?

Thurlow · 13/05/2014 11:14

You seriously think I have a secret to tell DH every night? - if you don't, then how is it so hard to keep the one very rare secret you have been told?

I genuinely don't understand how some poster's discomfit at having to keep a difficult secret trumps the wishes of the person the secret relates to.

And I am still interested to hear at what magical date in time we are supposed to assume that a friend is telling their partner everything.

Martorana · 13/05/2014 11:18

"And as for telling my DH about a friend being in debt because I am privy to her bank account. What would you like the answer to that be martorana ? you keep asking it. I'm sure to shit stir "

What do you mean, shit stir? You said you tell your Dp everything- even your friend's secrets. I was wondering whether this extended to secrets gained in a professional context. Quite a reasonable question, I would have thought......

everlong · 13/05/2014 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Martorana · 13/05/2014 11:28

No I can't.

Because based on what you have said, you would tell your Dp things you found out about friends in a professional capacity- but I can't really believe that you would.

Which is why I asked.

everlong · 13/05/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Martorana · 13/05/2014 11:43

It's not just you, everlong- the majority of people on here have said that confidentiality does not extend to husbands. You are the only one brave enough to answer this particular question.

So if a friend tells you she is in massive debt, but not to tell anyone, you tell your Dp. If you find out because you work in her bank you don't.

This is getting curiouser and curiouser.

Sallystyle · 13/05/2014 11:48

Martona, no I wouldn't.

Like I have said a hundred times, I would only share something that I needed advice on because it was affecting my life, something serious.

My friends overdraft wouldn't fall into that category.

I stand by my opinion that if a friend was to share something massive with me, something big enough that it would affect my life it would be selfish of her to expect me not to get some support with dealing with that as well. If she needs someone to share it with because it is so big then it stands to reason that I might need some help to. I would never personally tell someone a big secret that I know would affect my friend and then ask her to not speak to her husband about it.

The problem here is now people are twisting it around to make it sound like we are all gossips who tell our husbands as soon as our friends has a shag or piles. I think most of us have agreed that we would only share really big secrets that start to weigh on us or something so big we need help and advice on how best to support a friend. I have yet to read anyone here suggest they would run to their husband over anything a friend told them, but it has been twisted into that to make us sound like petty gossips who gossip just for the sake of it, not only when we have a valid reason to need some advice and someone to share the burden with.

Some of the questions and comments suggest some aren't quite grasping that.

Sallystyle · 13/05/2014 11:52

Oh and Martona, if my friend told me she was in massive debt I doubt very much I would share that with my husband.

That isn't something that would affect me or something I would feel the need to ask DH advice on or lean on.

motherinferior · 13/05/2014 11:56

A few posts on this thread:

Always. He is my sounding block. Unless asked not to tell him specifically.

Sorry but I tell my husband everything.

I always tell my DH this sort of stuff. I simply wouldn't assume "don't tell anyone" means "don't tell your DH either".

I tell DH most things. I thought everyone shared stuff like that with their partners. He tells me confidential stuff too.

I tend to assume, unless particularly asked not to tell DH, that he is excluded from the general population.

My kytti and I are two people with different lives, but because we love each other and share our life together we tell each other everything. It's called being in love.

Now you're saying that 'everything' is not 'everything' but 'a selection of everything'?

It's like talking to Humpty Dumpty: 'when I say a word it says what I want it to mean'. Privacy ain't privacy, confidence isn't confidence, everything isn't everything...

motherinferior · 13/05/2014 11:57

...not to speak of the reproof I received for ignoring posts contradicting points I hadn't actually made...

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 12:04

I stand by my opinion that if a friend was to share something massive with me, something big enough that it would affect my life it would be selfish of her to expect me not to get some support with dealing with that as well. If she needs someone to share it with because it is so big then it stands to reason that I might need some help to

So, what of your friend was planning to leave her husband. She told you because she might need you to hold onto some money for her or baby sit, or take the cat for the day. And it was imperative that the husband didn't find out until she had any legalities sorted and a place to stay lined up etc

What if your dh for instance worked with her brother or was a friend of the husband?

Would you still tell your dh even though he was so close to the situation because you were worried about her?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 12:05

And that impacted on you an your life

Sallystyle · 13/05/2014 12:10

In that situation, no.

CoteDAzur · 13/05/2014 12:10

No. DH doesn't need to know my friends' secrets.

Those of you who say you share everything - I wonder what you would do if your close friends divorced. The woman is your good friend and her STBXH is your DH's. Would you tell each other what you know/hear?

This happened to us and we agreed not to breathe a word to each other about what we hear from our respective friends. If DH comes and tells me something about the divorce that my friend needs to hear, who should I betray - DH by repeating it to my friend, or my friend by withholding that information?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 12:14

So, it is possible then to keep the secret it's basically a case of "why should I"

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2014 12:15

And what if you can't carry the secret and support your friend? Do you just let it break you? Your marriage? Or walk away and leave your friend unsupported?

I once supported a friend through the aftermath of dealing with childhood abuse. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and it took years. Years of midnight phone calls begging me to come over, years of helping her access support -sort out housing/benefits/find work/find the right therapist. Years of listening to horrendous revelations. Years of hand-holding. Years of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do for the best, when they need to talk but talking seems to make it worse. Suicide attempt. Self harming.

Was I really supposed to just move her in for 4 months just after we got married and not say anything? What wonderful accommodating partners you all must have.

"X is moving in and she's having the bedroom"

"Why?"

"Dunno"

"X doesn't want to talk to her mum right now, so don't let her in even if she hammers on the door for 20min OK?"

"What's going on."

"Dunno"

"Can you come home from work right now and look after ds1. I need to go round to X's"

"When will you be back?"

"Dunno"

I never told the details but he did need to know something big was going on, and not being a stupid man, I'm sure he worked out what fairly quickly. Maybe a better friend would have given nothing away and just found the inner strength to take it all and kept on smiling for a mate. But she didn't have a better friend (they all disappeared pretty f*cking sharpish) - she just had poor old bigmouthed me.