To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

I would tell dh.

I've asked a couple of questions I'd love to see answers to.

If you work in a bank and happen to see a friend's humumgous overdraft, do you tell your Dp?

Why would it be OK in your minds for me to tell my Dp and not my long term (as in 40 years) best friend?

I wonder of it all comes down to attention seeking.

That nothing can be simple case of I'm
Going to see Kelly after work today. See you later.

Concise, to the point, no one needs to ask any questions as to why how etc.

Instead it's:

Kelly visits Sarah at work. Kelly is upset and Sarah offers to pop round later for a cry and a coffee.

Phone call one:
Sarah- dh I've gotta go round Kelly's tonight she's really really upset her boyfriend broke up with her.

Dh-ok (really nt interested or bothered)

Sarah: yeah she's so upset you would not believe what he's done. I can't believe it I'm gonna kill him.he was chatting up.... Spills tons of info.

Hangs up.

Sarah calls Kelly ; oh yeah later did you want me to....,

Sarah then calls dh: oh I've got an Idea ill et her some chocolates and flowers can you drive me over to the shop so I can pick them up and then you can pick me up at 9.

Dh- I finish work at six so i won't be able to take you til half past. And I'm picking up Dave at mine so can I meet you at Kelly's at 10?

Sarah calls Kelly to re arrange timings

Repeat several times.

Turns one simple gesture into some major event tat drags in everyone. This emphasising just how kind you are to your friends and the attentions all on you for putting you and hour dh out so much to help.

motherinferior. I'm sure that's exactly how the gossips picture those of us who don't struggle to keep schtum.

I'm single, too. I had to leave my husband because he got arsey when I wouldn't tell him shit like other people's secrets (not)

I actually do have a partner. A delightful chap of impeccable discretion.

I don't work in either of the places any more everlong I was giving examples of people I've worked with in various places over the years

And having a bloke has nothing to do with it, I've never told whilst single or living with someone or dating someone.

Again, not about trusting your partner it's about respecting the wishes of a friend.

Martorana, I think it's about being in a life partnership with someone but not necessarily one where you shag them. Or was, the last time I tried to work it out. I was soundly berated for suggesting sex was part of it.

Those who say they tell their OH "everything" are the ones coming across as holier than thou and smug on this thread and I found Everlong's "Have any of you lot even got a fella?" rude as hell.

For one thing, there is at least one man on this thread. And no, I don't have a fella, because I am not gay.

Interesting how the posters with fluffy-wuffy user names consider their partners a part of themselves. Scary.

This has got to be one of the weirdest threads ever.

Yes I found everlongs post a bit rude and condescending as well. Almost as if a single persons opinions aren't quite valid.

"Have any of you lot even got a fella?"

Everlong, I normally like you and respect you on MN but that comment was low, rude and uncalled for.

I'm still waiting for one poster to actually explain what it is intrinsically about your marriage vows, sharing a mortgage or having a DC together that makes that person magically exempt from the whole rest of the world when asked not to tell anyone anything.

It's not about being superior. It's about having some morals and listening to what your friend has asked you to do.

People can say all they like about not liking to lie to their partners or tell them everything but the bottom line is that it is morally indefensible to do something you have been specifically asked not to do.

Yep got a fella, just don't feel something my FRIEND has confided in my is anything but her business to share. Not mine. It's not yours. You have been trusted. Yet you willingly betray this trust to go running to your partner to 'share' because you're married.

When I was in the 6th form I managed to convince some people that David McCallum was my boyfriend...........

Which comments would they be ever long?

I've read this whole thread and to me, it seems that those who would tell their partners aren't quite understanding the concept of friendship. It's not always about YOU and who YOU want to tell and how YOU feel, sometimes it's about the other person. It would definitely affect my friendship to know someone was telling everything to their partner. I'd certainly be more guarded around them.

My questions too difficult then?

The gossip comments are not rude. They are just saying how the situation feels to half the posters on this thread. Those of us who would not tell their OH something told them in secret see a wife sharing a secret with her husband as gossip, nothing more, nothing less.

If somebody tells you something in confidence and you pass it on that's gossip. By definition.

If you have a relationship where you have no separate life that's being a Stepford Wife.

If you feel that not telling your partner everything is a threat to your relationship, that's insecure.

If a friend asked me to keep a secret from DH I would but otherwise it might get told in chat between us. He is the soul of discretion though and would NEVER mention it. Odd of your friend's partner to mention it?

Is there a time limit on when your OH becomes close enough for everyone to assume you tell them everything?

One year?

Two years?

When you sign the mortgage deed?

When you get married? (Is that what actually happens on your wedding night, you sit down and tell them all your friends' secrets that you've been keeping from them?)

When should we all start assuming that someone is now telling their OH even stuff we have expressly asked them to keep secret?

If it is so 'normal' - really, tell when when we should start assuming this?