To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

You'd be bitter too if you spent half your shift on your own while people took constant fag breaks to call their partners.

Or then had to put up with a furiously texting colleague who's annoyed because her call wasn't answered

Not forgetting the one who spent the whole day on the bar as her boyfriend was working with another woman.

I've seen this exact same topic on MN before, pretty much a carbon copy of this thread. I'm amazed that anyone would be so naive as to assume that couples don't share gossip like this, or that their incredibly important secrets aren't regularly being shared with someone else that that person uses as their own confidante (not necessarily a partner).

"Secrets" are like relationship currency, most of the time people share them as a way of strengthening a bond. Revealing secrets about themselves have the highest value, but sharing a secret about someone else also has a value. That means that the minute you tell someone a secret you hand them "currency". If there is another relationship which is more important to that person they may well decide to use your secret as way of doing some relationship building of their own.

All this is pretty obvious, particularly if you are trusted and a good listener as you end up being told "secrets" from all sorts of people. It's just human nature to gossip like this, I can't understand any adult being remotely surprised by this revelation. Irritated perhaps, but surely not surprised!

If you really don't want a secret getting out, tell no one - it's the only way.

But some people obviously don't bluegrass.

Bluegrass - it boils down to one thing. Some people are capable of keeping a confidence and some simply aren't. It's not necessarily gossip - someone may want some genuine heartfelt advice and not know who else to turn to. To divulge their personal situation to anyone else is a betrayal of their trust in you and, in my book, makes you a flaky friend.

I've had friends tell me things and not wanted me to tell anyone else and I haven't, including my OH. There are confidences I have kept for over 10 years or more. I simply wouldn't, especially about important things.

kytti I can understand you feel the need to tell your partner everything about yourself. But why everything about somebody else? Seriously?

kytti, congratulations for publishing the most vomit-inducingly ridiculous post of the day. But hey, when you are the only couple in love in the entirely World you can afford to look like a twat on an online forum.

Mistress, my husband wouldn't judge.

It actually annoys me about him at times he is the least judgmental person I know, I think he is abnormally non-judgmental if anything.

It stems from his past when he was judged. So again, you are wrong. I wouldn't share a secret with someone who was so judgemental that they would then think less of my friend.

bette06, in my job I have to keep confidentially as I work with vulnerable people. I have never once shared anything with my husband, and like I said earlier, I have someone I can talk to at work if something is weighing on me because they recognise that at times staff simply need to share a burden with someone else who is also 'sworn' to keep confidentially.

My kytti and I are two people with different lives, but because we love each other and share our life together we tell each other everything. It's called being in love.

I am so glad that when I was having to discreetly sell jewellery to fund my escape from my abusive husband I did not have friends like you. So you wouldn't have been able to keep your gob shut in those circumstances because you're 'in love'.

I'm sure their are all sorts of moral issues where people's stance varies wildly. You may know you are scrupulous and straight as a die on one issue on which other's aren't (but are probably less so on something else).

I understand the compulsion to feel moralistic when you feel sure you occupy the high ground on one particular issue, but some people are suggesting that they are genuinely surprised that not everyone shares the exact same moral stance on this topic. I find that hard to believe.

This is people we are talking about, gloriously complicated, fallible people. How can anyone be surprised by this, unless "surprised" is being used in the sense of "am hoiking up my judgy pants and feeling the warm glow of righteous indignation and moral superiority about this"!

Right. So you work in a bank. One of your friends banks there. She has a massive overdraft.

Do you automatically tell your partner?

it boils down to one thing. Some people are capable of keeping a confidence and some simply aren't.
Or some people have a moral compass and some people haven't.

Giles you're correct about the phone calls in the case of the woman I know. She was very much a stepford wife, in fact she often put her husband over her children.
What Bluegrass said about currency does ring true in her case as well. She was always desperately trying to keep him interested and entertained.

"This is people we are talking about, gloriously complicated, fallible people."

Absolutely. But we are not talking about somebody accidentally letting slip a friend's secret to their partner. We are talking about people thinking it is the right thing to do.

This is people we are talking about, gloriously complicated, fallible people. How can anyone be surprised by this, unless "surprised" is being used in the sense of "am hoiking up my judgy pants and feeling the warm glow of righteous indignation and moral superiority about this"!

Utter nonsense. It has nothing to do with feeling 'superior'. It has everything to do with respecting other people.

Enough with the defensive pseudo-psychobabble. Once again, it's really really simple.

DON'T TELL ANYONE MEANS DON'T TELL ANYONE.

Flailing around invoking the fabulous taciturnity of your partner, or your own needs for support, or your Amazing Lurve, is totally irrelevant. It is off-point. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada, to do with this. It is not about different views of relationships. It's really, really simple.

It's coming across as superior and smug and holier than thou though.

Well obviously that's just your perception, everlong, because you have to justify your own stance. Personally, I don't find anything 'superior, smug' or holier than thou' in people being able to keep their mouths shut when asked.

everlong not right now, and don't want one either.
However, when I was married that didn't stop me respecting other people's privacy. Why would it?

Obviously not, everlong. I am an embittered spinster who sits alone surrounded by cats, unable to work out why I am incapable and/or unworthy of love. Sometimes I stroke my extensive collection of pictures of Tom Jones and weep.