To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

There are some circumstances when I might expect someone to share with their DH (still assuming the DH could be discreet)
For example, if they needed to make a decision, in someone else's genuine best interest, and the dh could actually be of help with that. or if the news was so dreadfully upsetting that the recipient needed to get it off their chest to prevent significant stress to themselves.

Most of the spousal sharing of news is nothing more than gossip and to pretend its anything more is disingenuous and a bit ridiculous. The "need" to share a d discuss with a dh is just a symptom of the person bursting with the news. I know how to keep a confidence and I hope my true friends do too.

Ever so slightly off topic: it would appear to me that When something actually needs to be shared in the interests of protecting someone (for example a child) it seems that very few ppl share the information. If you want to have someone keep a secret, tell them something truly dreadful. As operation yew tree has shown us.

Often if DH asks me about something and I don't want to tell him I say 'it's a long story' and he says 'oh, don't bother then'.

Saying someone can't do something for 'personal reasons' doesn't seem strange at all to me. That's because I accept that people might not want other people to know their business.
People do have 'personal reasons' for doing things - nothing odd about that at all.

How about "No,x isn't going to the gym at the moment" and if he asks further "Sorry, she's asked me not to tell anyone why"

Such drama. It's a perfectly valid reason. Or Just say you can't say.

God do husbands really sit there analysing how you speak trying to catch you out in a lie.

I wouldn't say 'personal reasons' to DH, it's not a turn of phrase I would use. I would say 'It's a long story'.

It's quite easy to avoid inappropriately breaking a confidence.
"Why can't she go to the gym?"
"I dunno?"

My dh simply accepts that there are some things I don't tell him. Because theyre none of his business.

Don't imagine your DP's all tell you what's going on. Why do you think women are always complaining their DP's don't know anything about their friends circumstances or aren't interested in the detail?
(yes, that's a generalisation)

I can't imagine actually saying "for personal reasons"- it seems a bit stilted. But there are loads of ways of saying "sorry can't say" No lying necessary.

If someone can't say I accept that straight away with no further questioning. And I let them tell me when they are ready.

I certainly don't think they are involved in some conspiracy to keep me out.

Or "I'll tell you later"
And then dont bother forget.

My DH really isn't interested, and I am sure he doesn't tell me loads of stuff because I wouldn't be.
I especially don't want to hear all about people I don't know at his work for instance, and he wouldn't bore me with it.

I don't tell DH everything. I might ask whether I can share/should keep secret from him. If I don't want friends to tell their DHs I will specifically secure that undertaking before telling them any secret.

Well yes everlong, obviously there are different ways of saying things. They basically mean the same thing -'I'm not telling you because it isn't your business'.

"DH would be fine with me not telling him. "

So why would you insist on telling him then?

Yes apparently, Giles. Your OH must know everything that you know, even a friend's shared confidence, otherwise you're withholding a burdensome secret from them apparently.

When people say 'but I tell my DH everything because you shouldn't have secrets within a marriage', can they really not see the difference between a secret like 'I spent the housekeeping on a lapdancer' (relationship-threatening) and 'my friend is pregnant but doesn't want to announce it yet' (non-relationship-threatening and nobody else's damn business.)

I would place the second firmly in the category of gossiping.

DH would be fine with me not telling him. He'd be bemused at my choice of words. In every day life I wouldn't use them.
So use slightly different words then. I'm sure you've got the imagination to think of something to say that wouldn't involve divulging someone else's confidences.

Well, there's a difference between 'keeping secrets about myself and our relationship' and keeping secrets about other people. It's a shame that some people don't understand that. Those people wouldn't make good friends.
But I would guess that wouldn't really bother them anyway.

My kytti and I are two people with different lives, but because we love each other and share our life together we tell each other everything. It's called being in love.

A question that I probably don't want to know the answer to:

Presumably some of you will work in areas that involve dealing with confidential information (e.g. medical roles or admin roles in that area, roles in banks or benefit processing were you may become aware of the financial situation of people you know, roles providing support to people in difficult circumstances). Do you also tell your partner about the personal information you've learnt through your job (whether about friends, acquaintances or strangers)?

Kytti - being in love means you have to tell your partner EVERYTHING? What rubbish.

This thread is another of those where you realise there are actually people like Howard & Hilda Hughes off Ever Decreasing Circles. No doubt these people who just can't keep a friend's confidence and who feel they have to tell their OH everything also wearing matching jumpers.

I'm wondering if they are also the people who I've worked with who call their partners about five times a day for no reason.

Then get annoyed they don't answer as tey are at work too