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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:54

What, and you want me to agree with them? But I don't. I want you to concede that breaking a confidence is wrong, and you won't do that either.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 21:57

Giles, that is a very good point.

I know 100% that he wouldn't let it slip and I am not sure how my friend would ever figure it out if I had of told someone else all those years ago, but yeah, that is something I hadn't thought of and would now make me think twice about sharing something like that.

everlong · 12/05/2014 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KathrynJaneway · 12/05/2014 22:07

I think unless the person said don't tell anyone incl your dh I probably would tell him. A friend of mine told me she was pregnant awhile back, it was very early days and she said don't tell anyone incl dh. It killed me not saying it, we meet one evening a week and dh would say how's so and so or how come you two aren't going to the gym these days and I had to lie. I resented that. Dh is great if a friend tells him something confidential he's like the CIA you couldn't get it out of him at all. But then his family are great at being secretive!

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 22:09

Flowers Everlong

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 22:12

Kathryn, I would resent that too. I wouldn't put a friend in that position.

MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2014 22:57

We're grown women we know when its appropriate to tell a friend's secret, and when it is not. There are some things a friend can tell you that are very, very personal and she is turning to you as a good friend for advice. Since when is your man privy to all that, simply by virtue of being your partner? Actually a good friend wouldn't have to say to me 'don't tell anyone' - I do keep secrets well especially when I know a friend would be embarassed if anyone else knew. Funny, with those advocating telling their DH everything, haven't mentioned possibility of their DH thinking 'less' of their friend. So, nobody's DH is ever judgmental then? Doesn't have any opinion about friend who's 'got herself into this mess' one way or the other? Doesn't perhaps take pleasure in letting said friend know, he is privy to her deep secrets? She of course, not being privy to his?

Because people can and very often do judge, and thats what is being skirted around here. Makes no difference if its your DH he is YOUR DH he isnt your friend's DH where he would then know many things about her. Internet boards are a good thing, I think. At least you can say how you feel and not feel your secret is simply an interesting topic between a couple. Especially where perhaps a 'friend' might get busy every so often getting all the details of your sadness then runninng back to share with her DH.

I bet they won't then go back to friend and say 'well I told my DH and he says the best course of action for you to take would be......'

Now that bit, they can manage to keep secret.

Gossips.

twofingerstoGideon · 12/05/2014 23:06

But you didn't need to 'lie', Kathryn. If your husband asked why your friend couldn't go to the gym you could just say she couldn't go at the moment for personal reasons. What would happen if you said that? Further probing? Sulking? I really, really don't buy this idea of needing to tell one's OH everything.

This thread is an eye-opener. I'm genuinely shocked at the number of posters who would go home and blab someone else's confidences because - well just because they've got an OH it seems.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 23:06

Mistress you're assuming an awful lot there. Most of its rubbish actually, but go ahead with the name calling.

Actually I don't judged people with problems, neither does DH. We're more the type to say "there for the grace of god go I".

You seem to be judging people on this thread rather a lot though.

twofingerstoGideon · 12/05/2014 23:07

Yep, Mistress, my thoughts entirely.

twofingerstoGideon · 12/05/2014 23:10

I wouldn't put a friend in that position.

So a good friend tells you she's pregnant, but doesn't want people to know yet, and you think she's putting you in an awkward position...?

Jesus wept.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 23:16

Well it put kathryn in an awkward position. She couldn't tell her DH why she wasnt meeting her friend once a week. So no, I wouldn't put a friend in that situation. I'd say "don't tell anyone apart from DH/partner that I'm pregnant"

MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2014 23:16

ExcuseTypos I assume nothing, and know when to keep my mouth shut. Loyalty and not embarassing a friend is important to me.

Thats why I can say what I think without resorting to not much to say such as 'oh you're talking rubbish, its namecalling'.

Its called having the courage of your own convictions. Try it sometime, it makes you less defensive

twofingerstoGideon · 12/05/2014 23:22

ExcuseTypos - did you see my suggestion above, that Kathryn could have just told her OH that said friend couldn't go to gym for a few weeks 'for personal reasons'? What's so 'awkward' about that?

I'm really struggling with the idea that it is any way excusable to betray a confidence when a friend has asked you not to. The only circumstances I can think of that would warrant 'sharing' are if the friend told you they'd done something highly illegal or something that put others in danger.

KathrynJaneway · 12/05/2014 23:25

I would have rathered she hadn't told me at all to be honest. It didn't help that I was so excited for her it was hard not to talk about it if she was visiting and dh was in the room.

twofingerstoGideon · 12/05/2014 23:28

Perhaps you could just let your friends know that you'd rather they didn't tell you anything personal at all. That should cover all bases and then everyone would know where they stood.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 23:31

I did see that and as I said, I wouldn't put a friend in the situation where she had to use the term "personal reasons" to her husband as an explanation.
It sounds like some statement released by a PR company.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 23:33

two I've said upthread that in my friendship circle, we all know we tell our DH stuff. I assume whatever I say will be shared with partners/DH's. therefore I don't tell them anything I wouldn't want their DH to know.

KathrynJaneway · 12/05/2014 23:47

Perhaps

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/05/2014 00:30

If your friend wouldn't have the conversation with you if your DH was sat in between the pair of you,that should tell you loud and clear that she does not want him to know

littlemisssarcastic · 13/05/2014 01:29

I don't confide in friends who tell their husbands everything.
If I tell a friend a secret, quite often it is personal. I don't want a stranger knowing about it, and a lot of my friends husbands are relative strangers to me.
I have one friend who tells her husband everything. I cannot stand him. Very few of her friends can bear to be in the same room as him.
Why oh why would I want him knowing my most personal secrets?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/05/2014 02:47

I haven't rtft, sorry. Just the first page.
But my take is that she shouldn't have told her dh. You asked her not to tell anyone. you shouldn't need to clarify who "anyone" is.

It wasn't a burden. She was gossiping.
Also, if one is going to share one's friends' confidences with one's dh one need to make sure one's DH knows how to be discreet. They both have flappy gums. Don't tell her anything really important FGS.

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 13/05/2014 03:03

I wouldn't as I would be afraid he would let it slip!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2014 06:44

So even happy news is a burden?

Good grief.

wtffgs · 13/05/2014 06:55

I get annoyed when DSis, whom I love, shares my stuff with BIL, whom I loathe Grin.

I don't get it. I am single but was married for 10 years. Why on earth would I tell H/P everything? Confused