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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:23

U2 "I actually happen to think it is wrong to burden someone with a secret that has the potential to affect me long term and then ask me to not get support from someone else. If my friend asked me to keep her super secret knowing it would weigh on me and then expected me to keep it from my husband I would think that is selfish too. I would assume my friend is telling me because she needs support and advice, well it is unfair to then expect me not to get any myself while going through it with her."

^^agree 100%

ThePinkOcelot · 12/05/2014 21:24

No, I wouldn't have discussed you with my DH. I don't tell him everything.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 21:25

BTW at work if something gets on top of us and we need to talk there is a person who we can talk to. That person also has to keep the confidentially but we are allowed to discuss a confidential problem that might weigh on us with someone else, in fact, it is encouraged because they know that sometimes things weigh on you and it helps to share and you are better equipped to deal with the problem if you have someone also supporting you.

It's the same out of work for me. I guess I see my husband as that person, someone I can talk to when I need to who will also share the secret with me, someone who also understands the importance of the secret not getting out.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 21:27

I keep asking, but nobody will answer. I have a friend I have known for 40 years- 10 years longer than I have been with my Dp. Is it OK for me to tell her my friends' confidences, because I know she is very discreet?

IwinIwin · 12/05/2014 21:28

I don't tell DP everything. I have two very horrible secrets of friends that he has no business knowing and I have no right to break a confidence for. I'm sure he's guessed what one involved given that I got very angry and passionate about a subject related to it while out having a drink but he's never asked what exactly it is and which friend.

I tell him other small, minor things that aren't really confidences or secrets and I know the people involved would share with their DPs if things were reversed.

For me it's all about common sense, breaking a confidence which would hurt, embarrass or upset a friend would make you a shitty one imo. Mentioning how something innocuous would not. My friend told her DP about tests I was having done, I didn't mind that at all because they were pretty routine and he then understood several more things that he'd been wondering on. My other friend, for some reason, passed on to her DH the fact I had terrible thrush to which he offered my advice on non-biological washing powder. Which i already used!

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:30

I think it would be OK if you started having sex with her, Martorana. You might have to marry her too.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 21:30

Martorana, if a secret is weighing on you and you needed to share it to get some support and you told your friend then there would be no judgment from me.

A friend, your mum, your husband whatever.. if someone is burdened by a secret and needs to share it with someone they trust then I don't see a massive issue.

If it's gossipy shit then yes, but if it is affecting your life, your emotional health I would probably encourage you to share it with a trustworthy person so you too can get some support.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/05/2014 21:33

If a friend tells me something and says don't tell anyone then no I wouldn't and havnt told dp

A Secret is a secret

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:33

Mort, I wouldn't do it, as I would have talked to DH about it and wouldn't tell anyone else.

If you couldn't speak to your DH but felt you had to discuss something that was worrying you, then yes I think you could tell your very discreet friend.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:35

MI it's got nothing to do with who you're having sex with.Hmm

Many people have said that and you seem to be ignoring them.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:39

Who's said it's got nothing to do with who you're having sex with? Do please cite them. All I've seen is a strong implication from the vast majority - with, now, the exception from U2 - that it's different when you tell your partner.

Partners are usually, in our culture, differentiated as the person with whom you have (in theory, if not always in practice) exclusive sex with, and a domestic/emotional relationship stemming from that. The move from 'friend' to 'partner' is usually when you start shagging them. So it's probably the marker which would turn Martorana's friend into someone to whom she could disclose a third party's information.

MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2014 21:39

No woman needs their husband's support in order to help a friend through a problem where its not a matter of life & death; how ridiculous, to play the 'weak woman' card when really, your friend's problem is just pillow talk juicy gossip for you and your man. Honestly, the transparent 'reasons' people come up with for blabbing disloyalty and the unkindness of breaching their friends' confidence are so very shallow. Too many women have entirely forgotten the meaning of female friendship solidarity...and that type of woman normally in general wants to hold herself up to her man as being a favourable comparison to 'other women with issues'. Competitive nonsense.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:40

In fact just skimming the thread I keep seeing references to 'couples'/'one half of a couple' and so on. They may, of course, not be having sex much or at all, but it tends to be assumed that they'll have the occasional shag.

OddFodd · 12/05/2014 21:41

But U2 - as I said (in other words) earlier on the thread, what if your DH thinks the secret you've told him is a terrible burden and feels the need to share it? Is that okay? Or would you be cross if he'd told some other person?

Martorana · 12/05/2014 21:42

We nearly did In1978 MI- does that count?

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:43

They been several references to Stepford wives/little wifies running home to gossip to their husbands and several people in the thread have repeated that isn't so, yet you seem to be ignoring them.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:44

God knows, I'm now totally confused.

It really seems simpler to interpret 'don't tell anyone' as 'don't tell anyone' but hell, what do I know.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:46

Oh god hear we go again - "playing the weak woman card". "Competitive nonsense".

You really have no idea what you're talking about Mistress.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 21:46

Please find one reference I have made to 'Stepford wives' or 'little wifies'.

I have simply said, repeatedly, that a confidence is a confidence, and that claiming you need to 'share' is just an excuse to gossip. I've even admitted that I quite like gossip, personally, which is rather more than the 'I only tell DH' people have done.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 21:47

I am far from a weak woman.

I love a great discussion but when things like 'weak woman' and shit come out I think it kind of spoils it.

I have never and would never share a friends secret simply for pillow talk and you are wrong, people, even very strong people, sometimes will want or need support if they are helping someone deal with a very serious problem.

I had a friend years ago in a very abusive marriage, this was before I was married. I am the kind of person who will take on peoples problems if I really care for them. The worry and fear was awful and if I had been married to my husband sharing that with him would have helped me help her better. You can belittle that into being just pillow talk between 'me and my man' but that simply isn't true.

OddFodd · 12/05/2014 21:47

ExcuseTypos - if you have the type of relationship where you don't feel able to keep someone else's secret, that's fine. I think it's a bit odd but it's your relationship. What isn't fine is agreeing to 'not tell anyone' and then going home and telling your husband.

Can we all agree on that at least?

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 21:50

You know what, as hard as it is, if your friend is telling you of violence or whatever then tbh if he's not got you then she's not got anyone. If you slip up accidently even once or she figures out you told someone else, you take away the last trust she had in anyone. And if she doesn't tell you or doesn't have you to go to for help then they are in far more danger than they were before.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 21:51

Well that's what I would be thinking if someone told me a secret that bad. I don't doubt it would be hard but I would not want to be the person who let's her down on top of everything else my friend is going through.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 21:51

MI, I didn't say you had made those references. I meant during this thread there have been those references.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 21:52

OddFodd he wouldn't. He is actually pretty different to me in this respect, I don't think he would tell me a secret if a friend had shared something with him.

He wouldn't need to share it with a friend because if the secret burdened him we would just lean on each other, there would be no need to share with another person as well.

We don't have any mutual friends so it would be very unlikely that my friends secret would upset him enough that he needed support and if he did that person would be me.

I am not a gossip, there would have to be a good reason for me to share something with him.