To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

thurlow - I absolutely wouldn't share that secret!! Some things should definitely be treated with complete confidence!

No I wouldn't tell my dh. thurlow

Nope, I wouldn't.

I don't keep secrets from dh. It's not that I tell him everything but I wouldn't like there to be anything I couldn't tell him iyswim. This is particularly true of things that I'd find upsetting or worrying ie the sort of things people ask you to keep secret.

I am however delighted for people not to share their secrets with me. I hate the burden they impose and am always worried I'll inadvertently let something slip.

No I wouldn't tell my DP. Thurlow.

See, I think that is the kind of example people who are saying they don't share everything with their partner is thinking about.

The OP said she told her friend not to tell anyone. That's the same thing.

everlong's scenario is very different - "I haven't told anyone yet" is clearly different from "don't tell anyone" in terms of the level of secret.

The scenario I put forward is not keeping a secret from your partner - it is respecting a friend's confidence.

Er, no, what on earth makes you leap to the assumption I'd tell other mothers? I just said it didn't fit the original scenario.

I'm inferior, btw.

In all honesty I would take "I haven't told anyone yet"

Or "no one knows yet"

As a given that it's not something o should tell anyone. Especially as in many cases the person has only just found out and still processing it all"

I am my own person, I don't have to tell my husband anything and he would never, ever expect me too but if a secret is a weight on me I will share it with him. I am not a gossip but if I need help supporting a friend through something I will not feel at all bad about leaning on my husband.

I hate it when people twist it around to make it sound like those who share have no independence and are not their own person. I value my husbands advice and if I want it I will get it whether or not my friend wants him to know or not.

One of the best things for me about being married is having someone to talk to when I need advice or just someone to lean on if I am worried.

Thankfully, it rarely happens because I don't have many friends who have these huge secrets that would burden me.

I am not pathetic, a step ford wife or any of the other shit that has been spouted on here. I do not feel any need to tell my husband that my friend had sex 6 times last night or that she had a massive row with her husband but if she tells me she has a health problem that worries me or something serious then I will.

Even if your friend doesn't want him to know, you would still tell him?

So everlong (I'm trying to understand the logic, not picking on you) you wouldn't tell your DH in thurlow's eg because it doesn't impact on him. But if it did, you would? That's a totally different thing I think.

It's surely difficult to judge those two scenarios as one genuinely does impact on a DH because he needs to cover childcare.

U2 - please, please do your friends the courtesy of telling them that you're not mature enough to cope with scary information on your own. Then at least they know where they stand.

What is absolutely unforgivable is telling a friend that you won't tell anyone and then going home and telling your husband. If you did that to me, I'd never speak to you again. It seems like a pretty dangerous game if you value your close friendships

OP here - I think I might tell my friend what a can of worms she has opened up on MN

I remember, as a young teen, confiding in my mother, and then having my father know all about it. I stopped telling her anything.

Yes. I've had that happen with my mom, told my father and took it a step further and told all her sisters who love to gossip. I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't want other people knowing anymore. My husband told her something I didn't want him to, and next thing I knew she was telling my aunt to "get advice". I just about killed him. Anyway, now we both know to keep my mother in the dark about things we don't want shared.

I am mature enough to deal with scary information on my own. I just choose to share that with my husband if I feel the need to talk to someone.

There has been plenty of stuff I have dealt with alone so I am certainly mature enough to do so (I have to do it every day in my job for a start) but if I am worrying about something and it starts to affect me then yes, I will lean on my husband and that doesn't make me immature, it makes me a human who sometimes takes comfort from sharing something big with my husband if it is getting on top of me.

I actually happen to think it is wrong to burden someone with a secret that has the potential to affect me long term and then ask me to not get support from someone else. If my friend asked me to keep her super secret knowing it would weigh on me and then expected me to keep it from my husband I would think that is selfish too. I would assume my friend is telling me because she needs support and advice, well it is unfair to then expect me not to get any myself while going through it with her.

Obviously is depends on the secret. If my friend was getting beat up every night that is something that would keep ME awake at night, something that would affect me and I don't think it makes me immature to want my husband to lean on.
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Dealing with scary information on your own is grossly overrated. That's why people confide in others in the first place - a problem shared etc.

No I don't usually tell my husband secrets if my friends tell me not to. But they don't tell me any heavy secrets either and honestly I've forgotten them a day or so later.

The only time I told DH what was going on was a time a "friend" told me in confidence something that DH said or did. So I went to him to see if that was true. He didn't, and he explained what really happened. The same "friend" was telling DH bullshit about me. We confronted friend about this and he just played martyr about how we lied to him and he trusted us not to divulge what he said. We told him we didn't keep secrets from each other and that if something bugged us, we talked about it. Anyway, he did something a while later and kept telling his room mate everything about something. I called him on it and he was just like "I don't keep secrets from my roommate". He was a special kind of stupid.

Right, so it's her fault for telling you in the first place?