To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

In Everlongs scenario- where her DH asks where she'd be, if that were me, I just couldn't say to him "I can't tell you".
I do tell my DH everything, I don't have any secrets from him. So that's why I find it odd that you wouldn't tell your DH the truth if he asked you a question. The same applies to my DH by the way- I'm not some "step ford wife" as someone accused us of being upthread.

As I said upthread, I wouldn't tell anyone, anything I didn't want their partner/DH to know, as I assume they might tell them.

Then whys it matter if he knows something or not?

Nothing wrong with talking no.

Bit of ots not about gossiping and it's not about trust then what's it about?

Why can't you talk about other things

There's everything wrong with revealing your friend's personal business to someone else.

Hmmmmm... I never do, unless my friend specifically says it's ok. Whilst marriage makes most things jointly-owned, we each understand that that doesn't include access to our friends' deepest and darkest. I take the view that if they don't want their own friends and family and sometimes their own partner to know something, they won't want my DH to know - he'd be pretty low in the secret-sharing hierarchy, even if they are friends. Interestingly, a couple of friends have been surprised that I haven't shared what is their v v intimate/personal info with DH (I mean v intimate - IVF, abortion, change in sexuality, threatened suicide, rape, eating disorder, affair, falling out of love to name a few). NO WAY that I would. Not my secret to tell.

I'd hope and expect my friends to take the same position re anything sensitive or that I'd asked to stay secret.

Why would you need to reveal your friend's diagnosis? Why just not say she had an important appointment, or words to that effect?

I think it's the people who don't understand the meaning of privacy who have trust issues if anyone does, frankly.

Why are you trying to justify breaking a confidence by making out those who question you, have issues with trust?

It's not about who I trust. It's not about if you can trust your dh.

It's about whether your friends can trust you. Clearly they can't.

My DP would probably forget what I'd told him within an hour.

Mine would say oh, ooh, look interested and the swear blind I had never told him anything
He does this about everything
Pretends he us listening then goes. Oh God you never even told me the bathroom was flooded, the neighbour fell in our cesspit, you have been having an affair with pat mustard

I tell my dog stuff but she can't talk and the worst she will do is stare you out and make you feel guilty

I couldn't even imagine a situation where I would want someone to tell me someone else's secrets and I would have a very low opinion of anybody who did, no matter what relationship they had with me.

If I love and trust someone then I trust that they would not damage our relationship so I do not need to know the content of their private conversations.

I wouldn't trust someone if their own friends shouldn't.

everlong - your school friend example is a total red herring. If she had told you her diagnosis and said 'Please don't tell anyone', would you have still told your DH? That's the point.

I'm now thinking I will re-examine most of my friendships because I don't know which of them I can trust (they're nearly all in LTRs). As a single parent, that makes me feel really sad and really alone. Because essentially you're telling me that my friendship means very little to you

usually i'm 99% certain DH doesn't hear ANYTHING I say, so you can tell me anything at all.

tbh, I did have a friend, well DO have a friend, that has explicitly told me, it's a friendship deal breaker if I should discuss her personal problems with DH. And I agree. If you can't trust your friends...

OK, I have a scenario, and I am genuinely interested to see if we're all just talking at cross purposes or not.

Say you have a friend. She's your friend, but maybe once a year or so you all go to a party with your DH's, so your DH probably knows you friend's husband enough to say hi to in the street.

Your friend says she needs to tell you something in absolute strictest confidence. She then tells you that she had a one night stand on a work do that she hugely regrets. She's upset but knows she wants to be with her husband etc.

So it is a secret that your DH doesn't need to know, because it doesn't impact on him and your life at all.

Would posters then tell their DH's?

I am always amazed at these threads, at the number of people who tell their partner other people's confidences.

I remember, as a young teen, confiding in my mother, and then having my father know all about it. I stopped telling her anything.

Of course it's a red herring. The OP was asking if, when told something that is supposed to be a secret, posters then go and tell their partners. Your example is, it now emerges, not something that was supposed to be a secret. So completely pointless as an example.