To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

Important
Ffs iPhone

Oh yes sparkling that may be a good idea.. there's a few other questions I think I'll ask whilst I'm at it

If you can't keep it quiet, make that clear at the beginning. Lots of us don't realise that we're actually telling some bloke we may not know at all.

Maybe next time I should just invite a friend's DH out and tell him instead. On the basis that if I tell him in 'utmost confidence' obviously I'm telling her too.

Dear friends,

Please note I am here for you, you can tell me anything as long as I can tel my husband/wife/mum/dog (delete as appropriate). Also, I'm sorry for what you are going through but knowing your ex have you an sti or you are pregnant , or your sister is sick but knowing will just make me uncomfortable.

Yours sincerely
Giles (it's all about my feelings) chainsaw

sounds like there needs to be some sort of 'friendship agreement' a la Sheldon Cooper......

I would tell my dh yes unless specifically asked not to.

Big Bang Theory everlong. he has written agreements with his friends and roommates as to what he deems acceptable or not. I think they have to sign.

Ps please remember to define the term "anyone" and I'd appreciate it if you would realise that everything you tell me will merely be used in order to prove just how much I trust my dh.

I'm obviously in a minority because I think if you are told something in confidence then it means just that - you don't tell anyone.

I had a similar experience where I had told a friend something in confidence (not something she would have been traumatised by and need to talk through with someone and not something that was a secret about or directly affecting her that she needed to be open with her boyfriend about. She also knew why I wanted to keep this information secret.)

She was someone I had known for a number of years, during most of which she had been single, and had always seemed a very trustworthy person who could keep a confidence. The problem this time was that she now had a boyfriend and I was unaware of this apparently agreed convention that, if you're in a relationship, you tell your boyfriend all your friends' personal information so next time I met up with both of them I was quickly made aware that she had told him everything :-(

Not particularly related to my experience above but I always thought that many women had some things (about their bodies etc) that they would only want to discuss with other female friends so it seems odd to me to think that groups of women have these all-female heart-to-hearts and then all individually go and disseminate the information to their boyfriends, partners etc!

From listening to friends over the years I have discovered that the great majority of married people do tell their spouses things which other people have asked them to keep confidential.
I don't. If someone asks me not to tell, I don't tell anyone at all. But I think I am really in the minority. I actually don't think the majority of people are able to keep a confidence, judging from the number of times someone has said to me "I'm not meant to tell anyone this, but..."
I'm a bit of a weird silent introverted person though.

So your friends are telling you something in strictest confidence because, presumably, they trust you 100% not to tell anyone. But you tell your husband because you trust him 100% not to tell anyone. And he tells his best friend because he trusts him 100%, etc, etc. Do you see the problem?

In fact, mother you might be better off with the husband, because they are all the soul of discretion!

Absolutely!!!!!!

Yes, bette and if/when they break up is he going to keep that personal info to himself, I wonder?

So some of the most humiliating things then

I find it odd too Everlong.

I know it's not the same but my DDs have always been really open with me. Even as teenagers, they'd tell me stuff they and their friends were doing- Their friends weren't telling their parents what they were up too, but I knew! On occasion I've told parents if I think their dc needed their help.

But why do you find it odd?

What's odd about not telling people everything about somebody else?

What's odd about being able to detach a friendship and your constant need to prove how much you trust your husband at the expense of best friends trust.

An the point is it's NOT about YOU and YOUR dh and how THEY feel. It's about your friend who you are aupposed to care about too.

And it's not about whether or not your dh is trustworthy or not.

That's NOT the point

This happened to me and I was very annoyed with my friend.

I think part of my annoyance stemmed from the fact that he seemed (or I thought he seemed) to like having information on me and enjoyed dropping it - or the threat of it - into the conversation. So maybe a slightly different situation.

Can you trust her DH?