To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

That's not lying.

Frustrating maybe
Annoying , quite possibly.

But lying, it is not.

I agree ikea.

Don't understand why everyone is getting all arsey with everlong. I would have said the same to my DH if he was having to do something he doesn't normally. It isn't gossip.
It's not like he ever sees any other school Mums. Who would he tell?

Can you take Bert to his club on Monday?
Why where will you be?
Oh I'm picking up Lucy and taking her to a club.
Why where's her mum?
She's got some stuff going on - nothing serious but she swore me to secrecy.
OR
Well, she swore me to secrecy but she's got a diagnosis of XX and she's a bit worried and obviously doesn't want to tell anyone but...
WTF?

If I was married to a priest or dr who are kings/queens of confidentiality I still would not tell. Or expect to be told about something told in confidence

It's got nothing to do with whether or not we trust our partners! The point is that we don't entrust them with other people's private confidences!

Is that so hard to understand? I neither know, nor care, whether your husband is indeed a silent confidant or is secretly telling other people. It is not the point.

Your DH will so blab to all the other Mums everlong. Apparently.

I tell DH pretty much everything, but I would use my judgement and some personal things I would keep to myself.
I'm not a gossip, but I use DH to gain perspective and discuss things.

Ah, so you have picked an uncharacteristic example, if she said "don't tell other mums".

No. That's part of being a good friend, that friend being able to tell you anything without you telling your DH. I didn't tell my DH the ins/outs of my friends split with her H. And tbh, he doesn't really care that much about the details of my friends lives.

If they want him to know, they'd talk to him about it when they were over visiting.

No. That's part of being a good friend, that friend being able to tell you anything without you telling your DH. I didn't tell my DH the ins/outs of my friends split with her H. And tbh, he doesn't really care that much about the details of my friends lives.

If they want him to know, they'd talk to him about it when they were over visiting.

It doesn't mater whether or not he would tell somebody else. Obviously he wouldn't. That's not the point! The point is that a friend has asked you not to tell anyone her secret. So you don't.

As I said, I have a female friend of 40 years standing who is the soul of discretion. I wouldn't tell her a friend's secret- why is telling my Dp any different?

I'm not a gossip, but I use DH to gain perspective and discuss things.

Er...what's the difference between that and a good old gossip?

Don't get me wrong. I like gossip. If there is a juicy morsel circulating I may lay it pantingly at Mr Inferior's feet. But only if it's a public morsel.

There are things about my friends he doesn't, and probably won't ever, know. Because I was told in private. It's none of his business. If I told him, he wouldn't tell anyone. But that isn't the point.

It doesn't really matter whether the other person will be in a position to tell someone who might be interested in the secret, or whether they would never tell anyone. It's still betraying a confidence if you have specifically been asked not to tell anyone.

Everlong, sorry I missed that reply. I still don't think it's quite the example most posters have in mind, but if you had been told in absolute confidence I agree with others that there are plenty of ways to explain to your DH without going into detail.

Depends what it is but normally yep, I'd tell my DH as part of a discussion or his view on a topic.

This has made me realise though that some people might not be aware this may happen and I should try and ask "does that include DH?"

Can I ask the "of course I tell Dp" contingent what makes a Dp different? As I said, I have a long time female friend I have actually known longer than I have known Dp. Would it be all right to tell her someone else's secret?

im afraid i tell me DP .... and my mum everything! i cant help myself. but i 100% trust that neither would repeat what i told them.

Oh blimey cook don't bring Mums into this. That is another thing entirely.

I think I'm going to hold a meeting with my friend's to see how they feel on the matter. If they'd tell their DP they're not being told anything ever again

You could design a questionnaire and email them all Tequila.

But hogwash

It's not a bout you. It's about your friend and in their time of need when thy really need to be able to trust someone you "feeling uncomfortable" isn't something that's iportabtbrigt then.

Woman up
Suck it up.