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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 17:12

And I'm not sure how not telling your dh about something your friend said or did that has no effect on your dh at all, is somehow something that impacts on a relationship no one goes home and word for word re enacts entire conversations that they had with friends? Ergo your dh has little idea of anything that was said anywAy. So why is That one piece of information regarding a drs appointment or a parents evening suddenly the defining feature of some ones relationship.? and something the dp should know no matter how personal or boring it is

everlong · 12/05/2014 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 17:18

So why not just say "X needs a hand over the next few weeks- could you pick up Fred on Thursday?" Why did you have to tell him the details?

Thurlow · 12/05/2014 17:20

But everlong, did she say "please don't tell anyone, I'm telling you this in confidence" or did she say "I haven't told anyone else yet"? There's a massive difference between the two.

StarDustInTheWind · 12/05/2014 17:21

trouble is, we talk about loads of stuff, and having to remember if I'm allowed to talk about X Y and Z is a pain...

sooooooo many people seem to say "don't tell anyone but... " over the slightest thing... how on earth do you remember what you ARE allowed to talk about....

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 17:24

If that were the only example, everlong, it would be slightly different - though frankly the summing-up here you've given would be sufficient, I wouldn't be disclosing private medical details. But you, and numerous others, seem to think it's de rigeur to betray everyone's confidences.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 17:25

"sooooooo many people seem to say "don't tell anyone but... " over the slightest thing... how on earth do you remember what you ARE allowed to talk about...."

So by that token, how do you manage rocket anything secret from anyone?

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 17:40

So everlong does your dh not trust you when you say I need to help out x this week.

And either you and he are available to help or your not. Would your offer be dependant on your dh's decision of whether it's serious enough to or decide what's a good enough reason to help or not.

You could have just told him you needed to help

everlong · 12/05/2014 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 17:51

No, but if your friend tells you something in private is there really a problem with "S has got some health stuff going on - it's private - so I took a chance and said you'd take DS to a club?"

I don't think that's lying. I do think you're defending breaching confidences, and what's more I think you're using one outlying example to justify a general habit.

CorrieDale · 12/05/2014 17:52

If someone tells me something and makes it clear it's confidential I don't tell anyone - including DH - because it's not my secret.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 17:53

Yes. It's really, really simple. "This is confidential" is, er, confidential.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 17:54

But you wouldn't be lying to him.

"X needs some help this week. I can't say why, it's very personal and she's still fragile and isn't ready to tell everyone yet"

What part of that is lying?

As you trust eachother completely , there should be no question that your telling the truth.

Golferman · 12/05/2014 17:58

But how many times do we see on MN OPs upset about their partners lying to them or keeping secrets? Neither trait is good for a strong relationship in my opinion.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 17:59

Why is it lying to say "could you collect Bert on Thursday- I need to give X a hand with something?"

ikeaismylocal · 12/05/2014 17:59

Is anyone else wondering if all these dp's subjected to knowing EVERYTHING their wife/girlfriend gets told are probably incredibly bored by "ohhhh, you'll never guess what, Jane's having to get her episiotomy stitches redone next week, it got all infected down there" and "you know Tracey from playgroup? She's pregnant with baby number 2 but don't say anything she only told me as we have 2 so close in age and she wanted to know how I cope" or "Kate got her tests back and she's got chlamydia!"

I imagine most dp's are trying to ignore all the gossipy twaddle that some of you feel is your duty to share with them.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 18:01

There's a difference between keeping a friends confidence and lying to your wife about how much money you spent or going to a lap dancing club.

Ones a purposeful deceit on something they promised not to do.

The other is your wife trying to help a dear friend without embarrassing/exposing/upsetting them.

Ones for personal gain with zero respect for your w/h

Ones an act of kindness and friendship

squoosh · 12/05/2014 18:01

'But how many times do we see on MN OPs upset about their partners lying to them or keeping secrets? Neither trait is good for a strong relationship in my opinion.'

Why would anyone get upset that their wife hadn't told them that her close friend Janet was having an affair? How could that possibly undermine their relationship.

Mind boggling.

everlong · 12/05/2014 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 12/05/2014 18:05

I live in a world where I keep a friend's confidence if asked. Nothing too odd about that.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 18:05

I don't view keeping a friends confidence as an odd world.

I still remember secrets friends at school/college told me 20 years ago. I've never told, not any of the partners I had in that time.

everlong · 12/05/2014 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 18:07

Yep. I live in a world where I really love and value my friends as well as my partner, and I don't want to lie to them either, by agreeing to keep something secret and then telling my partner.

Thurlow · 12/05/2014 18:07

everlong, you haven't said yet whether she said it was in complete confidence or whether she.just.hasn't told anyone yet. The two are very different.

Most of us are talking about examples where you have been specifically asked not to tell anyone but where some posters would tell their DH. You're example is probably not at all what most people are thinking of in terms of "please don't tell anyone this secret".

everlong · 12/05/2014 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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